W.O.L.F (Witch of Lightning Forest)(Unique Wolf Story)

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W.O.L.F (Witch of Lightning Forest)(Unique Wolf Story)

Postby Bℓυ ωιитєя » Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:36 pm

Chapter One
A foggy night

Mist slowly moved across the cold forest floor, the full moon beating down upon the softly rustling trees as the wind threaded through the leaves, producing the only sounds to be heard. But deep, deathly sounds broke the peace of the silent night, as the hollow howls of the kings guard echoed accross the forest, announcing that the hunt had begun. Guided by the moonlight a white she-wolf streaked between the trees, her neck decorated with a stunning necklace, holding a blue pulsating jewel in the form of a star, but in her mouth she held a bundle of white fur, which struggled weakly. Glancing over her shoulder at the shadows that appeared close behind her she swung around, dropping her bundle and whimpered a few unaudible words. The wolves that pursued her lit up, squealing in pain as they burned, falling down to the forest floor to wither in agony. Gently picking up her package again she bolted away, escaping the sounds of the tortured dogs behind her, but more would come. Slowing down the white wolf panted, her sides heaving and legs shaking as she dropped her little white bundle, which gave a squeal of protest. Nosing the small creature into some bushes she began to lick at it, her light blue eyes searching her package for injury.
"Mother must go now, stay here, Someone will find you, Frost, last of the witches..." The young white wolf murmured quickly to her pup, closing her magical eyes as a tear slipped down her glistening white fur. Hesitating she turned away as the sound of the guard drew ever closer, but then quickly turned back, dipping her head and giving herself a small shake so that the necklace around her neck slipped from her fur and then fell around the little pups neck. Picking up the back of the chain she looped it doubling it around the pups neck so it fit then turned and fled, but she knew she would not escape, and that night her death was announced by the shrill high pitched cry, followed the by the chant of the guard, that spread over the forest, drifting back to the kingdom of Lightning Forest were a young prince sat beside his father, who smiled slighty, turning to glance at his young son.
"The last witch has fallen! The last witch had fallen! Long live the King!"
Last edited by Bℓυ ωιитєя on Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:11 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: W.O.L.F (Witch of Lightning Forest)(New Wolf Story)

Postby Bℓυ ωιитєя » Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:38 pm

-Please drop a comment Below, I love feedback and I will happilly reply to any suggestions or crit. Also if you see a spelling mistake let me know so I can fix it :)-
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Re: W.O.L.F (Witch of Lightning Forest)(New Wolf Story)

Postby Dawny05~008 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:46 pm

it sounds cool! i cant wait to read more ^^ and here's some crits:
Mist slowly moved accross the cold forest floor, the full moon beating down upon the rustling trees, producing the only sounds to be heard.

very powerful begining sentence, but it makes it sound like the full moon is producing the only sounds to be heard X3 maybe you could word it more like 'down upon the rustling trees, which were producing the only sounds to be heard.'

and you added an extra c in across x3

'began' should be 'begun'

'shaped in the form of' is slightly redundant. maybe you could ditch the 'shaped' and just have 'a blue pulsating jewel in the form of a star'

falling down to the forest and began withering in agony.

you switched tenses :3 (is that how you spell tenses? i dont know XD) it should be 'falling down to the forest floor and beginning to writhe in agony'

other than that, it seems pretty good! there are a few places where a comma wouldn't be a bad thing, but it sounds great! very gripping :D
Last edited by Dawny05~008 on Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: W.O.L.F (Witch of Lightning Forest)(New Wolf Story)

Postby Bℓυ ωιитєя » Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:54 pm

Thanks so much for the crit :D I will fix these errors I very much appreciate it.
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Re: W.O.L.F (Witch of Lightning Forest)(Unique Wolf Story)

Postby Dawny05~008 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:35 pm

no problem! it looks great now x3
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