Moonchild CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM WANTED!

[wildfire6]

Chapter 1. Dark Deals

A 14 year old girl lies in a hospital bed, a downwards facing pentagram on the ceiling above her. She grits her teeth before reading from the old leather bound book in her hands,

“Evil smiling down on me
And cats eyes all I can see
Fur like storm clouds, deathly grey
Stripes like amethyst he smiles say,
Star of red and shining light
Betelgeuse come before me this night”


A smiling grey tabby with purple stripes leaps onto the hospital bed and turns its head to the girl, “What need you?”

“I-I need healing.” the girl stutters, starring at the cat’s emancipated body.

“Of what?” the cat asks bored

“There’s a tumor … they only gave me a month to live at best, if you heal me … if you make me a Moonchild, I’ll survive.” the girl replies gathering her courage.

“And why would I do that?” asks the cat, grin never leaving his face.

“I’ll perform the one task for you, whatever you ask.” the girl replies quickly.

“Would you kill for your life?” the cat asks more interested.

“Yes.”

“Lean closer.” the cat whispers.

The girl obeys.

“Kill the hound.” the cat whispers as he slit’s the girl’s throat and his own in one swift motion. He presses them together, ”If you wish to back out on our agreement you will return to me before my blood takes it’s full effect on you, if you do this however, you will die. After my blood takes full effect there is no turning back, understand?”

The place where the cat slit the girl’s throat glows red as it heals and she nods.

“Then we are done here.” the cat’s body disappears in black smoke, leaving only his eye’s and grin. Eventually, those fade too.

The girl runs her hand along the burning scar the cat left, a symbol of their agreement. She was now a Moonchild, tainted by a Cheshire Cat named Betelgeuse.

Her name was Emily Watson.

((I'll add more later, please add comments and constuctive ctitisism))

[wildfire6]

Alright, Basicly this is what the story is about.

If somone takes a demons blood for whatever reason they'll get their one request as long as they do one thing for the demon, the act of taking or giving the demon blood is called tainting and the human involved is called a Moonchild. Chapter 2 is more explanitory (and it has more action) than chapter 1.

[wildfire6]

Chapter 2. Orphan Boy, Rebel

Sherlock had been a Moonchild ever since his parents died in a car wreck when he was 10, he’d just woken from a coma but his body wouldn’t accept anything the doctors gave him … he was dying. He’d summoned Sirius, a Baskervilles hound, who’d made him a Moonchild on the condition that he killed a malphas, or crow demon … he succeeded.

Since then the demons had taken overrun the humans and taken over the world, they devoured souls left and right. Sherlock had joined a group of rebel Moonchildren attempting to kill as many demons as possible.

That would be why he was at the Arlington Memorial Hospital, he’d heard rumors that a girl was summoning Betelgeuse, a Cheshire cat and he planned to kill it as soon as she was done.

Yeah, that wasn’t exactly working for him. The cat had sent pipers, giant demonic rats after him and they weren’t friendly.

Sherlock skidded down the tiled hospital halls, his black converse not giving him half as much traction as he needed. He looked back, his semiautomatic handgun wouldn’t cut it … those things needed to be torched.

“Rodger, I’m gonna retreat, it’s to dangerous in here.”, he yelled into the crappy cellphone he’d been given.

“ Retreat? You can’t retreat, this could be the only chance we get!”, the computer nerd yelled back.

“I’m not staying!”, he yelled right as he tripped.

He pulled out his gun and turned around in hopes of holding the pipers off just a bit longer, they disappeared in black smoke … that ment the cat was gone too.

A girl with a scar across her neck walked out of her hospital room, “Excuse me, but would you mind telling me who you are?”

“Sherlock. You?”

“Emily, what are you doing?”

“ Hunting down a demon cat, getting chased by demonic rats and failing horribly at the hunting part.”

“Why?”, Emily asked curiously.

“Well, we can’t just let the demons keep their hold on the world, can we?”

“What are you talking about? Everything is just fine! At least … I think it is …. I wouldn’t know, I was in a coma.”
“ How long?”

“ 4 years, they told me 4 years.”

“You honestly missed the whole thing … we have to get you to Mr.Watson, he’ll fill you in.”

Emily’s expression showed that she recognized th name. She followed.

[wildfire6]

Bump

[comcom123]

This is a very good story! I would give a tweak more discription though. Like what do they look like? you didnt give much on their looks. But I love this and will eagerly be waiting for the next chapter.

[wildfire6]

Lol, thanks, I'll try to do that in chapter 3!

[wildfire6]

Chapter 3. Holy Ground

When the boy … Sherlock led Emily out of the hospital she was amazed. The world was not as she had left it, buildings were crumbling, the sky was the color of blood and the trees lacked all signs they’d ever possessed leaves, in short it looked like Hell on Earth.

“How was the hospital … normal?” Emily asked shocked at how the world had changed.

Sherlock turned to her, the sudden movement causing his shaggy brown hair to move largely, “Demons can’t enter holy ground in general and they can’t enter places of healing unless summoned.”

His eyes were an inhuman green, like neon signs from Las Vegas, no highlights or lowlights, just flat color and his pupils.

“What are you staring at?” he snapped as he turned back around, “Come on, we have to find holy ground before nightfall, we wont make it to base.”

“Why are your eyes …” Emily trailed.

“Neon? I’m a Moonchild, eye color is the first visible sign, your eyes are yellow.” he said it like it was completely normal.

“Yellow?” Emily said, surprise filling her voice.

“Like a cat, now shut up, I need to concentrate.”

Emily remained silent for the rest of the walk and Sherlock said nothing. Eventually they came to a churchyard. An old man opened the door, never stepping foot outside it, “Wha do ya want?” he said harshly.

“Sir, my friend and I need a place to stay.” Sherlock said, looking downwards.

“Look up.”, the man stated flatly.

Sherlock obeyed.

“MOONCHILDREN! How do I know your task isn’t to kill me?!?!” the man exclaimed.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” Sherlock recited flatly.

“You’re a rebel … I’ll take you, but what of the girl?”

Emily toyed with her grey hair … wait, that wasn’t right, she pulled it all over to the side, it was now grey with purple streaks … like Betelgeuse.

“She was an assignment, just became a Moonchild tonight.” Sherlock said.

“LIAR!” the man cried, “The blood’s already taken full effect!”

Sherlock spun around in a blur and starred at Emily, his neon eyes as wide as they could get. Emily was not as she’d been when they got there.

The old man slammed the door behind Sherlock.

Demons blood usually took months to get full effect, but it’d only taken hours on Emily.

[wildfire6]

Bump

[wildfire6]

Finishing Chapter 4, I'm gonna try to post pics with it