A story. Please comment and critique.

[lynettetan1]

Yeah, this is a story I have been working on for a while, not sure what to call it though. Please comment and critique.
Prologue
Rubble, nothing but rubble. Blocks of buildings were sunk into the soil, half buried into the ground, bits of soil swirling around the blocks with the wind. A small black kitten looked around, having been washed away by a flood, from her family, from her home. She had been a wild born cat, and her family was nice and happy when they gave birth to her and two other siblings. One day though, one of them turned cold and just disappeared. The flood had come soon after though, and swept through the place. She had been able to open her eyes then, and saw with her own eyes her mother, grabbing her scruff and trying her best to swim against the current. A piece of wood hit her though, and as she saw her mother’s eyes suddenly grow dim, felt her grip loosen, she mewled loudly, but then again, no one was there to notice. The small black kitten then tumbled in the waves, up, down, left, right, spinning, spinning. The current had soon dragged the little kitten unto shore, where she was now. It had taken a while for her to awake, but there she stood, on the bare, dusty ground, nothing left of the land. She was no longer in the forest, and the sights and sounds confounded her. Where was she? No one knew. Her grey eyes surveyed the damage done, lost. All she knew was that she could only see rubble for miles, the flood looked like it did a lot of damage. “Why hello there kitten. What are you doing here? A little darling like you to. “ Came a voice, and she turned around. It was a full grown cat, larger then her parents, and her parents were normal sized cats. He was a intimidating cat, large, with short smooth fur, and he looked down at her with steely eyes, and was slightly taken aback as she mewled softly. “Grey eyes… Well I’ll be…” he murmured softly, before grabbing her scruff and walking off. “You, are coming with me.”

[lynettetan1]

bump

[AlexiM01]

MOAR!!! Awesome !!! MOAR!!!

[lynettetan1]

thanks!

[lynettetan1]

bump.

[lynettetan1]

Bump.

[KatieKaitlynz]

Hello there. Good story. I definitely want to know what grey eyes symbolize. I don't know how you feel about grammar, but I am highlighting all mistakes and personal notes.

Red is the mistake. Orange is my solution. Keep in mind, you do not have to take my suggestions. I apologize beforehand if this is difficult for you to read or if you are colorblind.

Rubble, nothing but rubble. The repetition works here. It's a good way to describe the scene and give the audience the idea that rubble is all that the main character can process in his or her mind. Blocks of buildings were sunk into the soil, half buried into Take the "to" out. It's half buried IN the ground. Not into. the ground, bits of soil No. Repeating the word soil takes away the tone. In fact, I would remove the whole phrase "bits of soil" at the end. swirling around the blocks New word for "blocks" please. Avoid repetition at all costs. with the wind. Can blocks really swirl with the wind? Maybe debris can, but whole chunks of metal and who knows what else? A bit unrealistic. A small black kitten looked around, having been washed away by a flood, This comma isn't necessary. from her family, from her home. She had been a wild born cat, and her family was nice and happy Better adjectives please. "Nice" and "happy" are things I see in children's stories. when they gave birth to her and her two other siblings. One day though, one of them turned cold and just disappeared. Alright. What on earth are you saying here? That a sibling disappeared? If so, please remove the phrase "turned cold." It's not common terminology and an audience needs to be able to understand what is going on. Also, you repeat the word "though" a lot after this.The flood had come soon after though, and swept through the place. She had been able to open her eyes then, and saw with her own eyes We got this when you said she had been able to open her eyes then. her mother, Unnecessary comma. grabbing her scruff and trying her best to swim against the current. A piece of wood hit her though Let's not overuse this word, shall we?, and as Remove. she saw her mother’s eyes suddenly grow dim, Remove and add an "and" here. felt her grip loosen, Replace with a period. she Capitalize. mewled loudly, but then again, Remove. no one was there to notice. The small black kitten then tumbled in the waves, up, down, left, right, spinning, spinning. Very nice onomatopoeia. The current had Keep it one verb tense. Remove. soon dragged the little kitten unto "Onto shore" works better here. shore, where she was now. It had taken a while Awhile is one word in this sentence. for her to awake Awaken sounds more formal., but there she stood, No comma. on the bare, dusty ground,with nothing left of the land. She was no longer in the forest, and the sights and sounds confounded her. Where was she? No one knew. Remove. No one is around to know. She is alone. Her grey eyes surveyed the damage done, lost. By adding this, you are saying the damage lost. No damage was lost so removing the word itself plus the preceding comma would be wise. All she knew was that she could only see rubble for miles This was established in the very first sentence., the flood looked like it did a lot of damage. Again, we get the idea. “Why hello there kitten. What are you doing here? A little darling like you to. To what? Also, he is supposed to be intimidating. "Darling" isn't exactly my idea of instilling respect into people." came a voice, and she turned around. It was a full grown cat, larger then Than, not then. her parents, and her parents were normal sized cats. How about larger than regularly full grown cats? He was an intimidating cat, large, Intimidatingly large cat with short smooth fur, Not necessary. and he looked down at her with steely eyes, No comma. and was slightly taken aback as she mewled softly. “Grey eyes… Well I’ll be…” he murmured softly New word. You just used softly a couple of sentences before., before grabbing her scruff and walking off. “You, I realize you want a dramatic pause here, but you have to put something that deems that comma necessary. For example: "You, young one, are coming with me." Anything you like you can put. are coming with me.”

Repetition is your biggest weakness. Thesaurus.com is amazing help. New words for kitten would be tremendous. Also, know where and where not to put your commas. A good story. It has potential and I definitely want to know what happens next.

[bear]

Wow, good story! I love it

[Sylverr]

This is amazing Lynettetan1!

[lynettetan1]

Chapter 1
“No, please! I didn’t mean to trespass!” A cat mewled, sprawled on the floor, but a large cat with red eyes motioned, his black and white fur slightly gleaming in the moonlight. A black cat moved forward, the average size for any cat, and this cat felt like he was looking into a grave, so cold was the grey were her eyes, so… empty. He looked at the female, and whimpered, knowing there was no more chance. Moments later, a yowl split the air, and the cat was on the floor, it’s blood staining it’s dark fur, it’s eyes were glazed over, and the female moved forward, sheathing her claws and gently using her now velvety paws to close the grey cat’s eyes permanently. They would never open again. The male smiled as he heard cheering and caterwauling in the background. “That just says what would happen to anyone who goes unto my territory, keep it in mind. Raven, come. We will go to our quarters. I bid you farewell.” The male said, leaving his group of cats. The female trotted in. “Ragnar. “”Yes, Raven?” The female fidgeted a little before asking. “Did we really, have to do that?” he nodded surely. “Yes. But come here darl.” She padded closer, and snuggled next to his side, just like any kitten would, making it hard to believe that she had killed another just now. She looked at him. “What will happen when my kits are born?” “Well darl, they will follow in our footsteps, join us and rule the city.” Raven nodded. She had been expecting that. “Raven darl, we cant avoid them not seeing bloodshed, bloodshed is everywhere around us, there is no escaping bloodshed in the city." Ragnar said, sensing the female's concern. She nodded. And that’s why Ill be going out of the city.

(Thanks, Ill keep it in mind, though this was written before that so yeah.)