my night before christmas

[Abby-normal]

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
every creature was stirring, a little boiling mouse.
The stockings were strewn all over the floor,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas would fall through the door.
The children were jumping all over their beds,
while candy and sugarplums rotted the teeth in their heads.
With ma in her hairnet and me in my cap,
we'd just settled down for our long winter's nap.

Then, yikes! Duty called, I had to dash!
so I ran to the window and threw up the sash.
and as I unzipped, such a clatter I heard,
I thought that it must be my daughter's pet bird.
with a click and a clack, angrily I said
"I thought I told those kids to go to bed!"

I checked the clock, twas a quarter to two,
"I can't go to sleep, so what should I do?"
And then, BAM! it came, like a flash from above,
I would wait for Santa Clause to come in through the stove.
Since we don't have a chimney,
how else could he enter our little alcove?

I waited and waited, with still no avail,
and then I heard, the beginning of hail!
Awake all through the night, I have strong endurance,
I only hope, that Saint Nick has insurance!

I was almost asleep, but then I heard,
a noise in the kitchen, Those little turds!
My kids must be up, and looking for snacks,
I could only pray that they would step on some tacks!

I rolled my eyes and descended the stairs,
then i heard a noise that parted my hairs!
I ran downstairs, and from the stove,
i heard a noise say "help me, Joe!"
"Santa?" I said then I heard a great BAM!
"this is what you get for eating too much Christmas ham!"

I opened the oven and said "Are you hurt?"
and Santa popped out and said "wear for worst,"
"I'm fine," he said "and I'll tell you what,
I'll give you a treat for saving my butt!"
"A treat?" I asked. "A ride in my sleigh!
you don't get to do that everyday!"

I'm not a frequent flyer, you must know,
and I was scared as i looked out the window.
"But it's cold!" I complained to the empty air!
Santa had already Road-Runnered out of here.

I ran to the door, I felt like a weenie,
as Santa pulled up, in a red Lamborghini!
"Nice wheels!" I said as the window rolled down
"Yup, it's the hottest car in town!"
"Come on!" he yelled as I put on my boots,
"I still gotta visit the miserly old coots!"

"I'm here," I panted as I slid in the side,
"Finally!" he said as he put in drive.
"so, where's the reindeer?" I asked a little confused.
"Like Dasher and Dancer and all of those dudes?"
"Oh, I still got 'em," he said and laughed.
Then pushed the green button on his dash.

The sleigh molded and changed, at a rapid rate,
and Santa said "we're above northern state!"
I watched, amazed as out of thin air,
Pop pop pop pop pop pop! Eight tiny reindeer!
i Gazed at them and said "Whoa."
Saint Nick cracked the whip from the glove box and yelled
"Come on, go guys go! Go Slasher, Go Hacker, Go Whacker and Vixen!
On Conner, On Stupid, On Donor and Nickson!"

I listen to their names and smiled some.
I said "Santa, thank you, now take me home."
We made a U-turn in the middle of air,
with the wind in my face and the wind in my hair,
we turned towards home, I was ready to crash!
to wake up in the morning, hungry for chicken and hash.

We went into a dive, heading for my door,
Santa put his foot down, it went right through the floor!
"Oh, @#!*% !" he said as he tried for the break.
"Come on, Santa, my life is at stake!"
I tried for the handbrake but it broke apart,
what a crud Christmas! where do I start?!

I decided that I had to flee for my life,
and I wondered, will I live to see my wife?
I opened the door and Santa said "hey!
You owe me, Joe, come on, wadda ya say?"
"No can do, Santa, I'm out in a tick,
it's kill or be killed, here. Take your bloody pick!"

I jumped out of the flying car with ease,
it was a close call, but I scaled the trees,
I landed hard, on a pile of brush,
snow in my coat and my face in the slush.
I staggered upright and looked around,
praying to god that i would be found,

i watched for Santa's sleigh, it was nowhere to be seen,
and god, did i really need to go to the latrine!
finally, i saw him, his car in the flames,
as he yelled, he call me some horrible names.
and then I heard Santa yell as he fell through the night:
screw Christmas y'all, what a helluva night!"

if you want to read more of my work, just type my name in to the SEARCH box above the Share Your Writing forum. thanks!

[DreamCaster]

nice story

[Abby-normal]

thanks. it took me eleven hours to write

[.:Ash~cloud:.]

haha good twist on the actual story =D

[. silent]

Its all right. Since this is an actual story and you just tweaked a few words, and it was not your idea, then you should not get credit.

[Abby-normal]

well, technically. but i don't care about getting credit, i just think it was funny to write and i wondered weither anyone would like it. obviously, someone did.