Critique my creative writing please!

[IzzyJoFo]

I have an assignment due at the end of the week and was wondering if y'all could help me out! It is two short stories for the moment, with a third coming soon.

My biggest concern is, does it make sense? These stories make sense to me because I know my story inside and out, but do they make sense to the average reader?

Ok here's the first one

My name is Cosmo… or at least, I think it is. You can never be sure when you’ve lost as many memories as I have. As you might be able to tell, I’m cursed. You can really see when I pull back on the collar of my shirt, like this. See the white spots? That’s the first place I saw them. I was living in my car at the time. It was winter, and my heater had stopped working the week prior, so I had been in shelters more than I’d usually like. I’m sure that’s where I got the curse. I couldn’t believe it when I first saw the spots. I was in disbelief for a few days, thinking maybe it was just frostbite.

God, I hoped it was frostbite.

After 3 days, though, they hadn’t gotten better. In fact, they had spread. Of course, I didn’t have anybody to really keep me in town, no one to say goodbye to, so I left town pretty quickly. You wouldn’t believe how crazy some people get when they see someone who’s cursed, though, I suppose I understand. Losing your memories is nothing to scoff at.

There was a rumor in the town about a woman in the mountains who could cure the curse. I knew it was a long shot, but it was the only hope I had at that point. I knew my way around the mountains pretty well. I have… a certain set of experiences that taught me survival skills. It was about sunset on my second night traveling when I realized that I couldn’t remember the names of my parents, or even their faces for that matter. I think that really motivated me.

I made it to the shack that night.

That shack is one thing I will never forget. It was surprisingly warm, despite the apparent lack of insulation. It smelled very floral inside, to the point where I wondered if someone spilled a bottle of perfume on the floor. There were maroon curtains surrounding a round table. The table had cliché ‘fortune teller’ artifacts scattered sensibly around it. The thing that drew my eye, though, was a large pen in the center of the table. It was dipped in a well of ink so dark, it seemed to suck the light from the candles lighting the room. I looked around at the walls, which were covered in symbols I couldn’t understand. Then, I heard a voice beside me.

“Hello, darling.”

I turned my head quickly. Standing behind the table was a short woman. Her curly hair was tied messily into a ponytail, and she had a gold choker around her neck. Her eyes seemed to stare straight through my soul. They seemed… yellow? No. It must have been a trick of the light.

“My name is Lilith, and yes, I am the person you’ve heard about. You can already feel the curse progressing, I’m sure. How does it feel to have forgotten your parents?”

I reached my hand toward my collarbone as if it would cover the spots. How did she know what I had forgotten? It must have been a lucky guess, right?

“Let’s get down to business.” She said with a grin. “I can stop your curse from progressing any further.”

“Really?” I responded in disbelief. Getting cursed was seen as a death sentence in the town, there was no coming back from it.

“Of course, honey. All you have to do is sign the contract!”

She pulled out a roll of parchment seemingly from nowhere. Written on it were more of those strange symbols. The woman handed me the pen that had been sitting in the center of the table with a grin.

I signed it without much thought. In hindsight, I should have realized it was too good to be true, but I was desperate. As soon as I had finished, the lady whipped the contract away from me and looked it over. She let out a sinister chuckle and snapped her fingers. The last thing I remember seeing was her yellow eyes.

When I woke up, I was in an unfamiliar room, laying on a bed. The room felt like what I imagined a dorm room to be like. I had never gone to college, but I had seen my fair share of pictures and movies about it. It felt very industrial. I got up from the bed, ran towards the door, and swung it open. I saw two guys sitting on couches in a living area, and a girl sitting across the room from them.

“Oh, hey. You’re finally up.” One of them said. He had dark skin, and his hair was tied up in dreads. He had a soft, kind voice.

“About time.” The other one said. His voice was much harsher.

The girl turned towards the first guy. “You got a new roommate?”

“Yeah,” He responded. “He just came in today.”

“I’m sorry, can anyone explain what’s going on here?” I said anxiously.

“Well,” the first guy said, “you signed the contract, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, so?” I replied. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Then you signed your spirit to the curse.”

I was confused and in disbelief. “What?”

“Humans are made up of three things. Soul, spirit, and essence. Your soul is your person, and it’s most tied to your physical body. Your spirit is what keeps you alive and breathing, it’s your life. Your essence is your memories, and who you are as a person. The curse infects your essence and slowly rots it away. Now, humans can survive without their essence, but they are basically a husk of a person, it’s not a good life. The thing is, though, we can’t survive without our soul or spirit. Your spirit is easier to take hold of, so that’s what you sign away in the contract.”

“So…” I said, “I traded my spirit for my essence?”

“Basically.” He replied. “You still have your essence. It’s just being held hostage by the curse. Well… the curse and Lilith, that is.”

I grasped my chest. What did I just do?

“Aw, get over it.” The other guy said. “You’re alive, and you still got some memories. You’ll get used to it.” He paused. “We all do.”

“Did… did you sign the contract too?” I asked, sheepishly.

“What are you, stupid? We all did. That’s why we’re here.”

“Give him a break, Jerry.” The first guy said. He walked up to me and extended his hand. “I’m Jakeb. That’s Jerry, and that girl over there is my sister, Kaysha.”

I shook his hand. “My name is Cosmo…

…or at least, I think it is.”


and here's the second one

October 23
It has been a few weeks since I woke up. Woke up fully cursed, that is. I suppose I should describe this now rather than later.
For now, I’m calling it ‘the glow.’ I wish a different name would come to mind, but I’ve never been that creative. I don’t remember anything other than what is written down here in this journal, but I am sure nothing like this happened before I was cursed.
The glow appears to come from me, crazy as that sounds. I’ve tried to explain it with logic, perhaps a bioluminescent creature unable to be seen by the human eye, or maybe a trick of the eye, but nothing checks out.

October 29
I found a book in the cottage I have been living in. The inside of the front cover has “The Journal of Genesis” scrawled on it in pen. It has bled and faded over years of use, but I can still make out the letters.
This book is fantastic
The author knows so much about the curse. About these mountains. About this cottage. It’s astounding.
Unfortunately, every time I go to look at the book, the glow starts. It’s so bright, I can hardly focus on the print. Though, I have been using it as a learning opportunity. One of these times, I looked in the mirror. I happened to catch a glimpse of the center of the glow. A symbol was on my chest. It was undeniable. It almost looked like a book itself.

November 3
I found a boy today. He was almost completely cursed by the time I found him. I managed to give him one of my fabricated remedies that we had worked on before I got cursed, but I didn’t manage to save much of him. He got to keep his freckles. I’ll have to wait to see if he has any memories when he wakes up.

November 4
The glow is happening even more now. Perhaps it has something to do with this kid?

November 9
Riley, the kid, he also has a glow. His is different, though. Instead of being blue, his is orange, and it clusters into a symbol that looks like a house rather than a book.

November 11
The author talks about Soul, Spirit, and Essence. He claims that these are three spiritual forces that reside in each human body. Apparently, the curse affects “Essence.”
Do I believe this?
I’m not sure.
I have always been a person to believe in facts and logic rather than “heart” or “spirit,” but this book has been right about everything else…

November 14
My glow is blue. Apparently, my favorite color was blue.
That must be a coincidence.

November 18
I read through the Journal of Genesis again. How did this one man know so much about the curse, but mention nothing about the glow?

November 20
I don’t believe the author was cursed. He doesn’t talk about any memory loss or the typical physical traits seen in the curse.

November 21
If he wasn’t cursed, how does he know so much?



December 1
I know what the author did.



December 15
I haven’t had the glow for a while. Riley still has it every once in a while, but mine seems to have stopped.
December 20
Where do I begin.
I found another person today. They were fully cursed already. I was too late to try and salvage some essence, but my glow came back. I am not entirely sure why, but it was brighter than ever. It engulfed the two of us.
I have come to the conclusion that the glow appears because of the lack of essence in cursed humans. I don’t know if this new person will have a glow at all. My current hypothesis is that, since Riley and I have a minuscule amount of essence from the fabricated cure, the glow appears to fill the gaps that the missing essence leaves.
I suppose I will update this when this new guy wakes up.

December 21
So far, this guy hasn’t had a glow. He has no memories at all, no defining characteristics. His essence is completely drained. Only time will tell if my hypothesis remains true.

January 3
It’s pink
Kasey, the new guy, his glow, it’s pink. He found a guitar in the attic, and he’s a natural. Riley says that he thinks Kasey has perfect pitch, whatever that is. Kasey’s glow is a music note, and it’s pink. He lit up the entire attic.
I’ve never seen him so happy.

[IzzyJoFo]

*bump*

[IzzyJoFo]

bump