my 3 braincells idk

[pixieknees]

──────── yea ─────────────────────────

[pixieknees]

HAVE:
xxxx 5 stars
─ c0 klee
─ c0 jean
─ aether
─ kazuha!!
xxxx 4 stars
─ c4 fischl
─ c1 xinyan
─ c0 xingqiu
─ c0 ningguang
─ c1 barbara
─ c0 xiangling
─ c2 sucrose
─ c1 razor
─ c4 bennett
─ c0 diona
─ c0 kaeya
─ c0 lisa
─ c0 amber
─ c0 noelle
─ c? chongyun
─ c0 yanfei
─ c0 rosaria

[21/34]

DONT HAVE:
xxxx 5 stars
─ eula
─ zhongli
─ hu tao
─ venti
─ ganyu
─ tar tar taglia
─ keqing
─ qiqi
─ diluc
─ mona
─ albedo
─ xiao
xxxx 4 stars
─ beidou

[13/34]

[pixieknees]

wHY DO I KEEP GETTING BENNETT EHAJEHAK I HAVE HIM C3 NOW
like?? does he have a crush on me/?? stop coming home dude-

[pixieknees]

whOHOOO I GOT KAZUHA AT 81 PITY!!
and i also got yanfei in the same pull <3
before that i gt c0 rosaria! :D

[pixieknees]

her hands grip the sheets
they tremble.
she dreams of a heavy love,
a heavy love that weighs her chest,
a heavy love that gives her life meaning.

she dreams of a lover who'll love her so strongly their knuckles would turn white
she grips the sheets, harder.
she wants a love that numbs her
a love that burns her like icy water.

do you dream of her?

sweat gathers above her lip
red, bloody gloss is smeared across her mouth
her lips shake
she wants a heavy love.
one that suffocates

a love that grips her by the shoulders
she wants a heavy love
so heavy it'll bruise
heavy and weighted and overpowering
that she will forget.

she wants a heavy love,
and as she wants
the dreariness tightens,
her head swims.

is she in a dream?

she wants a heavy love.
it sits on her chest and crushes her throat.
her lungs quake.
she has her heavy love.
it tightens around her throat
and she loosens.

[pixieknees]

everybody says youre so cool
open your skin and let me see inside
its dark and wet and cold and true
i wanna get a look at the secrets that you hide

you're a nasty little thing, it makes me hate you
please just use me, use me, please be cruel
i want to hurt, i want to see this through

i wish i could hold you but I know I'm not allowed

your fingers curl tightly around my wrist
eyes of shadows stare into my soul
the darkness in me is slowly unshroud
there's pain in my chest, slowly, you twist

tell me, how does it feel?

please patch up the cracks in my joints
just so you can break them again

you're in control and my lungs are aching
with a quiver, my heart expands
why do you hurt me?
that fleeting feeling
i hate it

i hate you

everybody says you're so cool

but its dark and nothing matters
and these letters are blurry
i don't know how to finish this
nothing matters
but you do
and i hate it

[pixieknees]

why do you like me
thats suspicious HEJAHEJAEHKJEHJK
what
you think you're gonna use me
what do you want from me
i cant give you anything
I'm numb to affection EHWAJEK
why do you want me
??

[pixieknees]

what do you want from me
my future is gone
like I'm literally
*beatboxes cutely*
awooga
no future baby
I'm gnna become a raccoon
in a forest
with little grabby hands

[pixieknees]

just htought id update
they dont like me! aha
whew
i am just a convenience to them
if youre my friend and you tihnk you know who this is about no u don't goodbye this is so humiliating
but I'm gonna vent
I'm so sick of being a second choice
i don't feel that way as much anymore because i have two amazing friends
that i value and that value me
but I've known this feeling of hollow disappointment for so long that its like an old friend returning from a journey
it hurts but in a way that comforts
but i am so sick of being a second option
the leftover one
i try so hard not to put myself in that position
and yet it seems like thats where i belong
no matter what i do, that role is where i fit best
no matter how much i change myself, i always roll back there
but the sad thing is
is that i likely had a chance to change that
i don't like them. i don't like them romantically.
but I'm possessive of them as they replace me
and i could've had them wrapped around my finger
i was in the position for it
but
i didn't want to hurt them needlessly even though my feelings toward them were complicated, a strange concoction of dislike and neediness.
i feel like I've done this to myself. i also feel like there's something wrong with me
i want a romantic connection so badly that i crave it but whenever the prospect of "dating" someone pops up, i always squash it down in panic. sometimes i wonder if i want the romantic aspect of a relationship or if i just want the intimacy. the feeling of love and comfort. of finding home in someone else.
sometimes i wonder if ill ever find that, because i think i stop myself. i think i find comfort in my friends but i cannot open myself up to a point where its intimacy. this is on me. my friends are such amazing people, sometimes i feel like I'm robbing them of my vulnerability. because when i am vulnerable i am a wreck. and i hate burdening people
i understand that people, most people, have the ability to put boundaries in place when I've taken too much
but I'm so afraid of ever reaching that point that i internalise it until it explodes and burns my throat
i just
i crave something in relationships and i don't know what it is
i remember being a young kid, from like 6-13, and watching tv shows and crying myself to sleep because i wished so badly that i could be in the show. i was so jealous of the friendships. i always have been. but i have such amazing friends so i do not understand it. i think its because its an online friendship so its different. i wish we lived near each other
this vent is going everywhere
I'm so exhausted and so isleep for hours more than i need to and yet i wake up exhausted from the oversleep
i don't understand myself sometimes
i think I'm going to be one of those women that enter your life in a flurry and then prance on out so quickly that you haven't realised unless its already happened
and i think I'm going to be like that because i cannot commit to emotional intimacy. i dnot think i will ever trust anyone but the friends i have now and the people I've already decided to trust. and i don't know why that is, but it makes sense to me
maybe this is all some useless rambling
i don't understand my feelings
on a side note i think i have something other than depression and anxiety but i don't know what and I'm too awkward to tell my therapist aha

[pixieknees]

on a lighter note im gonna count my character constellations tomorrow!! i keep on losing track and this should cheer me up