when i think too long

[Lonnie<3]

A mess of bad poems, long rants and the occassional snipet from the never ending book of my life

No posting on this thread from anyone other than me permitted

[Lonnie<3]

I suppose this is the end
I'm not ready yet but nobody ever is
I will miss Twizzle but hopefully she'll manage without me and not spiral back into her old habits, who am I kidding? she definitely will but it's not like I can do anything, I'm dying right as I write this.

I wish we could have done more when I could,
I was a good wife and I know that but there's always more. I should just accept my fate because it's not like I can do anything, I can already feel the poison and...an..

[Lonnie<3]

People are weird

We waste our lives doing silly, pointless things to distract from the fact that we all die one day. I remember lying awake at night as a kid thinking about death and panicking that I would die alone, now I realise that it doesn't matter because if I'm dead it's not like I will feel anything at all, no regrets and no nothing. Of course some people find comfort in the belief of an afterlife but the thought of eternal existence makes me tired even thinking about it, I crave stimulation and new experiences but what happens when there is no limit to time? you get bored, duh.

So in conclusion, death isn't bad it's simply something we must accept.

[Lonnie<3]

Sometimes I look at the sky and feel a sense of dread,

It's limitless and that is terrifying.

We live on a floating rock in what seems like a void with a few more floating rocks and gas things called stars, we might be alone in this universe but how can we know? our technology is unable to travel out of our galaxy, we are stuck.

As a VERY claustrophobic person the thought of being trapped in a spaceship is enough to make me uneasy, I can feel myself tense up as I type, so basically astronauts are brave is what I'm saying because I can't even look up at the sky some days.

[Lonnie<3]

Today I am at my father's house, this won't be his home in a few weeks.
When I was a kid I would draw on EVERYTHING so if I ever become a famous artist like that guy who cut his ear off then this house will be very valuable as it contains a lot of my earlier work on the walls and blinds. It will be weird when he doesn't live here anymore but at least when he dies I'll inherit a city house instead of one out in the middle of nowhere.
Is it weird that my dad moving has improved our damaged relationship? still don't trust him though and I will never open up to him again.

[Lonnie<3]

I can't remember a before.

I can't remember experiencing a normal.

All I remember is a now and my now is only starting to improve.

I still wish for better but hey, better is unrealistic right?


At least I have her <3

[Lonnie<3]

I try to know myself,

trust me there is nothing I want more than to know who I am but no matter how much searching I do I can't find consistency within myself.

I wish I could but my only trait is inconsistent,
I'm all over the place and I can't be anything else.

Oh how wonderful it would be to be mentally well but that's not in the cards right now.



I would love to draw right now but all my supplies are at another house and it's too windy to leave here until tomorrow. I can't even sew because half my stuff is here and half is elsewhere. I need a creative outlet so I'm going to keep writing to scream into the void.
I feel pretty.

[Lonnie<3]

I have a love for attention, i become an exaggerated version of myself just to get it.

It's one of the few things that brings me genuine happiness along with animals and my best friend in the entire world.

I don't know where this desire came from but it's strong enough that it ruins relationships and I've lost a few friends because of it.
I'm a bad friend, I do stuff that seems manipulative when I look back even though that's never my intention but intention is only half the crime, it's what happens that really counts.

I mess with people for fun and they mess with me back, we flirt and tease because what they want is to trick me and what I want is to be seen.

[Lonnie<3]

I'd say the best show I've ever watched was Bojack Horseman,

It's the only show I can honestly say is a masterpiece because of the way it deals with heavy topics and I find myself relating to almost every character. It is heartbreaking and I have cried many times watching the life of an animated anthropomorphic horse going through life's struggles. There have been times when this show has helped me in my real life, I can say with 1000% sincerity that this horse cartoon has saved me.

Now there are other shows I love which are more lighthearted, today I started watching Bad Education and oh it is hilarious. I also enjoyed the likes of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina even though my grandparents would disown me for even considering watching it but hey, I'm watching His Dark Materials which is literally about killing god.

I know the trend right now is anime but honestly I've only seen two actually good ones, BNA and Beastars. I love Beastars the most and my favourite characters are Haru and Mizuchi, don't ask why I like a minor character like Mizuchi who is always shown as mean but I love her design a LOT.

I'd say my favourite movie is A Simple Favour because I love the story and the French music really adds to it for me as someone who has an appreciation for anything French. It also made me discover how beautiful a woman in a suit is, women are beautiful and I love them all, if you are a woman you look amazing so stop comparing yourself to others.

[Lonnie<3]

My potential future:

I don't know what i want, i'm indecisive and easily bored. The thought of spending my entire life doing the one thing feels wrong, there are many things i want to do. I want to be a teacher, i want to groom dogs, i want to train horses and i want to do various other jobs but i don't know what one to settle for, i know that i don't have to settle but my point is that i require excitement to feel at peace.

I am also afraid of commiting to the one person, i don't know how to settle for just one and i'm an overly possessive person who doesn't trust easily so polyamory isn't an option. My problem though is that i need people to exist.

I guess that i may be a bit unsure of what i want and that's ok, i don't have to make up my mind right now. It's 3am, i should sleep, i won't sleep. It's become a bit of a Saturday tradition that i stay up all night.