when i think too long

[Lonnie<3]

crawling back to this thing just to complain a bit.

Say you've been friends with someone for years and said friend is going through a very rough time do you:
A) support them
B) abandon them
Well guess what my friend did? She didn't talk to me for over a week with no explanation fully aware of how much i needed her and then she texts me a full on rant about how me being upset was stressing her out and how i should get more friends (like it's that simple) and she SAVED it in the chat (why?).
A whole month later of no contact and she rings me last night and acts like everything is fine after i managed to move on with my life but she'll probably ditch me again for her oh-so-amazing boyfriend who bodyshames her, she probably just wants me to go back to playing rdr with her (but guess what? i sold my playstation so i could buy a fursuit) and for me to go back out to the stables cause she's lonely by herself (but she ruined that hobby for me and i haven't rode in nearly 2 years cause of my mental health and you know what? i don't miss it).
Her justification is she's not my therapist (and i get that) but it's no excuse for abandoning someone and not saying why for a whole month, no excuse for confronting me the day after my dad upset me and no excuse for sending a whole angry essay full of block capitals to me while i'm crying so loud my mum runs to my room to make sure i'm ok.
The one person i thought i could trust, someone who also went through a lot at a young age, someone who I thought could understand me but no, i was stupid to believe that anyone would get it.


I can't go into detail because CS is child-friendly but i'm sure you can fill in the blanks at least semi-accurately.
Sorry if anything is against the rules here

[Lonnie<3]

I'm bleeding

Someone was rude to me on Quora
People threatened me on Instagram
A hateful account liked my Pinterest comment
I watched messed up videos on Youtube

The music i'm listening to is far too loud but I need to overwhelm myself to distract myself from the fact that I just messed up. I keep twitching, i'm so uncomfortable and awake. I'm restless and confused.
I messed up
Why did I have to do that?
Idiot


is this subtle enough? am I too good at bad things?
Did she ever care?

[Lonnie<3]

Today I questioned was it ever really love.

The conclusion I have is it was, just not a good kind.
I was obsessed, she didn't see why.
She shamed me for my dependence, said it was 'stressful' to her when I was the one in pain.

It was exhausting.

I don't know if i'll laugh or cry, maybe i'll just scream instead but that's a bad idea,
All my ideas are bad.

I suppose I could draw but I have no motivation for that, I want excitement.
I want to be surrounded and dizzy, I want flashing lights and rain.
I'm alone in my room, it's nearly 10pm and my family is downstairs.
I wish I could just run down the road like I did last month, only that time I was in tears and couldn't breathe.
I'll never forget that day, it was her fault.

[Lonnie<3]

-

I'm like an onion, many layers and if you cut me I'll make you cry.

- Me

[Lonnie<3]

My best friend just sent me a really sweet message and oml i just need to say something she's so nice to me.
I am once again thinking about what job i'd like to do, today i'm strongly considering a dog groomer but am I just thinking this because i've spent the day enjoying dog related tiktoks and meeting a therapy dog in school? My

[Lonnie<3]

The past few days I've just been working on a new project, advocating on social media (mainly TikTok and YouTube), of course I've been met with a lot of hate but I don't really care.
At the moment I'm kind of rich because I need to ring the bank to fix my card, I can't decide whether to buy a playstation 4 or fursuit making supplies. Anyways I'll be able to work next month and I am debating leaving school after this year to start a dog grooming business so it won't take long before I can buy the rest of the stuff I want. It feels so good to be so close to freedom, next month I'll be able to do everything but drive and buy drink legally and the year after I can drive. September dragged, October going slightly faster I just want November; the most wonderful month of the year.
My dad finally ordered my birthday present yesterday, an iPad but of course he got it engraved with my birth name. I go by a million different names but that one makes me uncomfortable, I don't know why because I love it and it is associated with the gender I identify as but I like to go by Lonnie, Lunari, Lapis, Talia and Piper. Yes I know most people use only the one name but idk I like having multiple. At least a case will probably cover the engraving.
I want to run a mile I'm so full of energy but it's like 8pm, I want to make a video or something idk maybe