──( the stars glitter above✦ )

[basil!]

yes, destroy me please! <3

let this be the end of my story,
the start of the last chapter,
the chapter that leaves me dead and crumpled
in my own blood with my head bashed in.
<3

and you can be the one to press the knife to my throat,
tease me with the trickle of blood
and leave your handprints on my cheeks.
you can reprogram my thoughts until i can't think anymore.
<3

now wouldn't that be funny! toss me
throw me and hit me and kill me
and break my bones, this pathetic,
disgusting body that has failed me so many times.
<3

get rid of all the trash for me.
you can smell my weakness from miles away.
so just finish what she started
and plant the thoughts firmly in my head again!
<3

then we can all be happy!
i will be your puppet!
i wont need anyone else when i have you!
a slave, a slave, a slave, a slave--

(i lied please dont hurt me please dont hurt me please dont hurt me--)

hold my hand so tightly my bones crack
as we walk off into the sunset that seems to be bleeding.
everything is ugly and disgusting;
i can't see even a hint of beauty here!
<3

and what will you do, tell me you love me?
its such a silly lie that i would laugh.
but i will stay with you, with you forever,
because you spared enough time to lie at all.
<3

and i will know you care, i will know,
when you spend so much of your time destroying me!
i will know that i am in love with you and will revel
in the disgusting and filthy love we share!
<3

i can only feel that you care when you break me
and i have to beg for your attention.
beg beg beg beg beg like some kind of dog.
then i will have achieved your love.

please just finish the job.
its too much having any rational thoughts in my head,
not after what she made me believe.
the ideas clash and make me dizzy.

please tell me she was right for once.
im tired of struggling for freedom.
shackle me so i can never fight again
and i wont ever suffer.
<3

[basil!]

bro what was this???????????
i dont want to read my old writing it genuinely scares me..

[basil!]

you tell me i should rearrange the alphabet.
i tell you that i don't know how to speak.

(but my mouth burns and itches with my words;
they claw and scream for me to let them free.)

your words cascade onto the page and drift
across the paper in silent repose.

but every word i say just burns my throat
and i scream myself hoarse with silent tears.

(i wait for you to turn around and see;
the tock clicks, water drips, falls on my palms--)

i'm tired of these words when all they do
is splinter, crack like opalescent glass,
and fall and make you angry and then die.

(it's raining; water falls down on my face.
it traces grooves into my blushing cheeks.
i watch you hold that crystal-clear umbrella.)

so take your alphabet, it's yours.
so take your words and all your prose.

and when unspoken words (mine) rain,
you'll know i love you all the same.

[basil!]

your memories are collecting all the dust and i think i should use you as a dustpan--
but your face remains clean and clear and dirt slides right off it and onto the floor.
you should be proud that your face is the only one that has been imprinted in my mind,
and on sentimental days its you i think of.
although its more my memories of you than you yourself.

do you remember the fall day you told me i looked like a model?
the way the air felt on the swings as we rushed by each other?
how my legs felt on yours, our bodies close, on the tire swing?
your bicycle that a gummy bear fell out of?
the ocean and the trees and your hand holding mine?
do you remember the time we decided to walk home and we talked about everything, everything and anything that came into our minds, and then we went to a store and bought snacks and laughed and planned on meeting up later that day (although it never happened) and i stayed out so late my parents were angry?
do you remember the bus rides and how long i would take to stare at you?
climbing the neon toys at the school playground as we waited for the bus?
walking to bus stops farther and farther away and running so we didnt miss our stop?
sitting on that ledge after i came back from hanging with my friends and leaning against each other and feeling the cold wind whip past us and me thinking about you despite having just met with my crush?
..

i like thinking about these things and how warm it made me feel, how my cheeks blushed red and my heart beat so erratically in my chest and it was the only time i felt happy back then. i do not feel that way anymore; my heart does not beat its frantic lullaby, but i love you all the same. i know i idolize you in my head,
but i love you all the same.
every
single
poem
is
to
you.






but i don't think i really want you to love me back.

[basil!]

nothing, nothing, i am nothing-- a laugh escapes from my lips! i am nothing, so let me drift away on the wind, let me drift away on your words and cry! my burning tears will scorch holes into my skin, holes into the floor, holes into my hands and my pen and the paper and everything in the whole damn world. let me drift away if i am not a whole but a half, a piece of her, useless and worthless when discarded. to hell with everything! why should i write when my words rot right in my mouth and make me gag? why should i ever do anything when its worthless stupid useless pointless?? i am on fire, i am being crushed by a thousand rocks, she is standing over me laughing and i can see now that her face is not hers but mine, because who is doing this but me! so i laugh and i laugh and i laugh as i strip myself of all my worldly possessions, throw all my words onto the ground and discard sentence constructions and grammar, because i cannot be trusted with them when all i do is corrupt everything i touch. no one is ever going to love me.
my eyes burn but no tears come. i'm going to leap into the cold water and never write again, never draw again, never try again. i am going to be nothing, absolutely nothing, until the current takes me and the cold water seeps into my bones and my heart slows in my chest and then ceases to beat. then all i will hear is the bubbling of the water, and i will never burn again.

[basil!]

when there's nothing to write, i should just write anything that comes in my head, but everything i write is always the same and the same and the same and the same.
i reread this thread recently and it made me physically sick. i am so deep in my hole of pain and loneliness that i cant even write about something else. im always writing about that one girl and how unhealthily attached i am to her, or about my past, or about how much i hate myself. isnt there more to me? where is the time i went outside because it was snowing and i stood below a streetlight, staring at the snow that made it look like just after sunset when it was actually deep night? the snowflakes rested on my skin and tangled with my hair and i had to face away from the wind, clutching my parka to my body. for a few minutes all i did was walk and look at the light hitting the snow and enjoy it. i should do that more often. i live in a place so many people wish to visit, but any trace of beauty falls away from me and i cant see it at all. but when i stop to examine things like that, im filled with a quiet melancholy. its been like that ever since i was young. i guess looking at beautiful things reminds me of how fragile everything is and how unimportant we are. the places i am looking at will long outlast humanity, and even then the earth's entire existence means nothing more than chemical reactions. but i dont like to think about that because it is useless. sometimes i wished i was raised religious, because in religion everything has a reason. it would bring me some peace to think that i was made by something else for a purpose. when i go down this path, though, i like to tell myself that my reason in life is to give as much love as i can. it doesn't matter if its unrequited or if it hurts or if its the highlight of my life. to love someone, to share to the world like that, is a good thing to live for. it doesn't really matter if none of us matter in the long run, because we are alive now, and if i can make someone's life better, so what if it comes to nothing in the long run? we both lived to feel it. i have a book to thank for this idea, but it really is comforting.
here i am not doing my homework. i have so many things to do and worry about, and i dont even know what to do once i get out of college. i feel like my life will end once im out of school. for the longest time i had planned to simply die, and im doing better now, but its hard to try to make plans where there were none. death was always my go to and now im left with nothing. i have a feeling that death would be really nice though. i think it would be sweet and comfortable. the idea of forever is scary, but i know that i cant comprehend it, so ive stopped trying. and its much more tolerable to think of death now. i still cant really believe that one day it will just... happen. sometimes i think i would rather end my life on my own terms because i want control over it.
i wish i wasnt myself. i wish i knew how to appreciate anything about myself. i feel like im just worthless and stagnating. even now, im hoping that someone is reading this, relating to me and being inspired by my words like ive been inspired by someone else. i highly doubt that would happen, but even if it does, i know no one would actually reach out to me about that (i dont do that either), and even if they somehow do, i wont believe them. i cant believe that i am good or talented or make anyones life better. i wish i could.
i used to hate romance and love and think it was so stupid, and now everything is about it. love is so powerful but it is more powerful for me. i am codependent and i dont even know how to have normal relationships. i am just destroying my life by being so attached to her but i love her and cant help thinking that i should be with her for the rest of my life. and i keep blaming my past, maybe rightfully so. its so easy to break a child completely, and then they have to pick up their pieces for the rest of their life and clean up after someone elses mess, and the perpetrator doesnt even get punished. which brings me back to the question of: is there a purpose or fairness to life?
i just want to sit down and cry, but i cant. i havent cried in more than a year. i dont know if its the antidepressants or my fear of showing vulnerability or something else or all of the above. ill just make a huge wheat farm in minecraft and scream into the void, i guess. i hope i can be worth something to myself one day. everything i write about is the same, isn;t it? am i ever going to grow? is there even a spark of talent in me? hah, i don't know and i don't think so. this was a long rant, i hope no one read up to here because im an absolute mess.

apparently im not done yet. i like how this thread is the sole thing holding up my post count. i havent even been anywhere else. im like a ghost that comes out on this one thread and then leaves again. to be fair, i dont like being seen or perceived. i am irreparably lonely but talking to people just leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth that is sour with fear. i guess what i really want is to talk to her all the time all day, because she is genuinely the only person i feel safe around. i feel indescribably uncomfortable around everyone else. and its not just strangers. im more scared of people when i start to get to know them. i feel the need to act appropriate, i guess. it's the pressure to smile at the right time and stay still and pay attention and make sure to not say anything weird or step out of boundaries and conform with whatever the other person wants and its completely suffocating. a side effect of being neurodivergent, maybe. i wish i could act how i truly want to, or at least as close to it as i can, with more than one person and my parents. but its terrifying and i feel like i cant speak when im with other people. the constant pretending and act also completely drains me. i used to be much more social even two years ago. yeah idk bro

actually maybe i use her more as a trashcan for my thoughts, because looking at this thing, it honestly amazes me just how much stuff has been bothering me. ive gotten used to ignoring it. no wonder i cant focus on my homework lmao. i guess i will rant about warrior cats here too because at this point ive said so much that im probably never being accepted to any college and any sane person has stopped reading. warrior cats is so stupid its for little kids, but i love it. i have recently figured out the reasons it is such a comfort for me. they are: 1. everyone in the clan is a family, and they always help each other. they go through hard times but they always have each other. 2. everyones destiny is laid out for them. they know exactly what they have to do. warriors protect their clan and fight and have fun. everyone serves their clan in some way and lives lives (wow english) of honor. and that is so much better than the uncertainty i feel at all times. 3. i can relate to many of the main characters, especially fireheart/star, because they feel alienated and different from their clanmates. however, they still make friends and prove their worth, which makes me really happy. 4. the writing is simple and i dont have to worry about taking too long or missing important bits or symbols or something. 5. an afterlife is guaranteed and canon so i know the cats are safe and happy when they die, and that they really do have their relatives looking out for them. and finally 6. i just like cats and the premise of the story itself, its very interesting to me. maybe im childish but its whatever.
now i have also started an smp with my friends and i live in the perfect place. its this savanna village but its spawned in completely wrong. theres a cliff cutting through it with one of the buildings on top of the cliff, and theres a huge waterfall falling from the cliff, and half of the village isnt even in the savannah but in the swamp biome, which makes it really funny because its always raining on one half but not on the other. its like a few hundred blocks away from spawn but i can still get to everyone elses bases (which is kind of shocking considering i cant navigate at all and it takes me a long time to get used to places.) i also have a huge animal farm. i have a ton of cows and a ton of chickens and only one sheep at the moment but ill get more. i also also have a cat which is really stupid and keeps getting stuck on the place above my bed (i live in a cave) in the middle of nowhere but i love her anyway. it makes me really happy to have friends to play minecraft with and im finally getting into the game after not playing for literal years. i swear over quarantine ive reverted to my fifth grade self.
and finally conways game of life is so cool. its a universal turing machine / turing complete, which means it can imitate any other turing machine, which means theoretically it could recreate any computer algorithm. in fact, you can code conways game of life ON conways game of life. this is really interesting to me because the game has such simple rules and yet can be used as a counter, can be used with true / false, and can run actual programs. i coded conwys game of life in my cs class and i really want to try coding it on the actual game but i dont think im quite good enough for that yet. (i also dont think i have the motivation to.) still this is so cool to me, especially because this is essentially a field we made up ourselves? we are looking for patterns that exist in a system we made up ourselves but is somewhat modeled on real life. its sio fascinating to me how many patterns there are and how they all come together. there is so much we still dont know and its so cool. granted, wikipedias wording is not great, so i wish i could take an actual class on this or something. it brings me genuine joy seeing the different forms made out of the game though.
i should really do my hw but i dont really want to and bleh. also adachi to shimamura is so relatable. it is SO relatable. i relate to adachi so much it is unreal. it is also so nice. i love the art style and the background music and the characters, it makes me really happy. i am going to watch some other show someone recommended to me after this.
wow i have a lot of gunk i should clear out. i have even more thoughts i want to say right now but im tired of typing because my fingers couldnt catch up with my brain even if i typed at a thousand wpm. i never realized how much i need other people, not to socialize, but to dump all of this stuff at them and clear my brain out for more space. i dont know how long its been but ive been typing for a long time and i should do this more often. i clearly have a lot to say. i honestly dont know how o function. also at this point im sure no one in their right mind wold read this. it actually isnt for anyone but me.

[basil!]

I stare at my phone screen and the light burns me. My eyes sting and I’m tired; it’s late, probably around one am. I’m also thirsty and my eyes drop closed but I flutter them back open. I need to watch the blue message bubble until you answer. I know you’re sleeping, I know I should be too, but I have to wait.
Sometimes time seems to warp and bend around me and hours pass, but it’s not like falling asleep. It’s more like a slow descent into murky, black water that slows all of your thoughts and makes you not care about pretty much anything. I enjoy those moments, because even though I’m sinking, it’s gradual, a slow and somewhat painless death. Can death even hurt if you don’t realize you’re dying?
I wait for myself to sink away and the phone blurs until I can’t read a word of what I wrote. But my brain keeps racing with thoughts. I don’t want to think about the pile of unfinished homework in the corner of my room, but I don’t get a choice. It fills me with a heavy dread in my chest. The less work I do, the more scared I am that I will fail, which makes me do even less. I want to break out of the cycle but I can’t. I want to cry but I haven’t done that in years. I think all of my tears have been used up.
Talking to her would make me better because she is the only thing I have. I know that nothing has changed but I feel her absence as if she has disappeared from the face of the Earth. I hang onto everything she says and her words are my lifeline. I’m lonely, lonely, I’m so lonely without her.
It’s the middle of the night and of course she’s asleep, and I won’t wake her up, but I keep hoping like a fool that she will answer and tell me she loves me. Her love means everything to me. Her love is me. I am defined by how much she loves me. I am nothing without her.
These thoughts are disgusting and leave an unbearably bitter taste in my mouth, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop and I can’t make it go away and I can’t make myself work either.

[basil!]

i.

i wonder if the wind can feel
as it curls around my face and messes up my hair.
the waves ebb and flow, ebb and flow
and with the splatter of sea spray against rocks, ducks gently bobbing on the lake,
my feelings start to drift, be swept away.

ii.

looking at you is never the same anymore
because i see the water lapping at your feet
and the small ripples that spread out when you walk.
are you flooding with rain? our past has been
swept away and shipwrecked on an abandoned shore.
i would like to go there with you.

iii.

so we hold hands and walk into the sea
and the cold water swirls around my toes
and the swans and the ducks swim away frantically.
a staccato of movement and we are the
composers, the sea sirens, the rulers, the leaders;

iv.

i know you're still on the pier next to me.
with the coming tide, the last of my feelings leave,
the unreciprocated young love and the hope that you gave me.
a ghost of you reaches out a hand and a ghost of me takes it,
and a part of me tiptoes across the blood path into the setting sun.

v.

i will never see the silhouettes of them again,
but it's a good kind of hollowness,
one that makes me feel more full because i know that i have loved.
and the same sea we walked by in those sun-dappled years will remember.

vi.

goodbye.

[basil!]

the ghosts that keep me chained to this place are dancing with you, my dear.
do you see the thread of fate tying them together and then coming back to me?
it's laughable, the ash slips through my fingers, the clock keeps ticking endlessly and the cotton cloud sleeps;
//a sardine grows from the soil// and your eyes when you tell me you would feel nothing if i died !
feed into the black petals falling gently onto my poisoned lake.
the mushrooms glow blue and kids whisper in my ears and i think my hands are stained with blood//
i can't smell it over the cloyingly sweet guilt that sprouts flowers in my ribcage//
and the burning pages with my words on them, stolen, stolen, stolen//
you stole everything from me, my love, the very water in this lake and the fish and all the rocks
and the drifting dead leaves and the ripples and the joy and warmth and light;
you stole all of it and i still come to your spring and drink warm water that rolls off of my lips.

[basil!]

are we now wandering into today
or eating the dust of our tomorrow?
i think perhaps my world's in disarray.

did i cry with the sunset yesterday
or maybe dye my skies with tainted sorrow?
are we now wandering into today?

if i could wish the world, your eyes away;
i think the choice would leave me very hollow.
i think perhaps my world's in disarray.

still, now my heart begins to gently sway
and then the path's laid out for me to follow.
are we wandering off into today?

i think it may be too late anyway.
i stray into kind and dusty shadows;
i think perhaps my world's in disarray.

i feel the gentle wind and sea salt spray.
i've drifted off into tomorrow;
or are we wandering into today?
i think perhaps my world's in disarray.