──( the stars glitter above✦ )

[basil!]

i wish you could tell me what it is
that makes the tap leak water
and makes the book pages ruffle
and tumbles through my dreams--
almost as if i'm not the only one here.

the brown doors open, the wood peels
and blood pools on the floor and shavings fall from my mouth.
i've fallen into abstractness so deep i can count polygons
and all my memories are just a dream, a sweet distant dream.
the hum of air conditioning and a warm blanket,
someone's diluted my memories with a medical pipette.

i know the key's right there, but my vision swims and wavers
--i think i'm underwater, but oxygen flows through my lungs--
it's all another dream, a sweet distant dream.
i breathe dust and asbestos and close my eyes against the decaying scenery.

how long can i keep being so selfish?--
a coin flip and the walls and floor surround me
in a soft blanket of safety, of my mother's smell
and the way calloused hands felt brushing against mine.
it's all a dream, a sweet distant dream.
anger is the filthiest sin of them all.

(how can i forgive a past that doesn't exist?)

i know all the answers to every question i've asked.
water drips and rolls off of my hair.
the murmuring flicker of fireflies and the city lights at night;
it's all another dream, a sweet distant dream.
i don't know. i don't want to know.

(how can i forgive a present that doesn't exist?)

there is no ending to a song that never started
and i'm stuck on the refrain, choking over and over and over--
i suppose i promised to never forgive myself on some putrid day.

[basil!]

soon her feet tread paper and she is light and eager on her toes.
why? her body melts away but she doesn't seem to mind
the water, grasping seashells and handfuls of sand from the floor. it's the reason
she wants to leave herself on things that last much longer than her, so she stays
and grabs and grabs and grabs before she can disappear.
she spends one more minute on the shore and she can't stand it
and then she disappears, disappears,
disappears,
and then she disappears,
she spends one more minute on the shore and she can't stand it.
she grabs and grabs and grabs so that she can disappear.
she wants to leave herself on things that last much longer than her, so she stays
in water, grasping seashells and handfuls of sand from the floor. the reason
why? her body melts away but she doesn't seem to mind.
soon her feet tread paper and she is light and eager on her toes.

[basil!]

sorry but i am removing this because it reads like a really bad caricature of a neon genesis evangelion monologue and i dont want to reveal my true identity as a shinnie </3

[basil!]

it's not that i'm unaware of the consequences of my actions;
more that i can't seem to care as i reach for the dew-laden fruit.
i cup sweetness and color in my hands and take a big bite
of that which i know will make me die.

the ground beneath me is cool and refreshing.

i love the people that sit with me and laugh.

i love the music that i get to hear every day.

i die over & over & over again.

i chip away at my image and then grab hard.

i shove every beautiful thing into the cracks.

and then i die & die & die over again.

[basil!]

i'm thankful when abstract words give me ways to talk
but my insides are still knotted, knotted, knotted
and it feels like maybe i don't have a voice at all,
because i can't say anything correctly anyway.
i want to want to want to scream how much it hurts
and maybe that's why i keep wishing for life
to stab me in the chest, because then i could
scream and cry and be held in warm hands
without resent.

i want it so much it hurts and hurts and hurts.
but my eyes dont even know how to make tears anymore
and even if i was offered care on a silver platter
my chest and head would buzz with fear.

how i want to be held and taken care of
and stroked while half unconscious;
so much that i don't know what to do.

[basil!]

i let myself imagine.

i should never have done that, i know,
but her face was so close to me.
our foreheads touched as we slept together.

her hair tickled my face and i smelled her shampoo.
the texture was rough against my face.
in my dreams, she walked all over me.

i should never have let myself imagine
but i couldnt help it, just for a second.
so i thought of brushing her hair out of her face,

i thought of doing this more than once or twice,
and of the warmth of her head on my chest.
and i thought of how much i wanted;

[basil!]

i know i used to hate myself as much as you.
i don't really know when things began to change.
when did the tide turn? i used to go so far
but i dont punish myself much anymore.
i think somehow a part of me feels guilty,
even more so when i get angry at you for the same.
maybe it reminds me too much of conversations
i've screamed countless times before.

[basil!]

none of you can fix the me that's standing here.
i turn and a deluge of rain shimmers in the air;
a spate of timeless words is strung into a sentence.
the humid atmosphere makes it hard to breathe.

[ a "me" doesn't escape the torrent, a "me" runs off and hides,
a "me" wails and drivels and cries, a "me" makes
more water for the whirlpool at my feet,
so much the rabbit and his watch are proud;
and maybe i'm living up to "my" name-- ]

the you that talks to me gets devoured.
the water diverges at my sides.
my hands trail through air that hurries to escape;
the you that talks to me will [ always ] leave behind.

[basil!]

through strings woven by your fingers
i peer beyond the cliff looming at the tip of my toes;
at the fat trees laden in fruit and heaping over
into rocks with jagged tops, heaving, heaving
and spitting their nonsense onto my face in the form
of cold salty sea spray.
i can hear their whispers from up here,
toes curling into the sand and disappearing in a wisp of smoke;
the ground beneath is prone to break, the first
pebble tumbling along its way.
the churn of the water draws me forward;
a flock of clouds calls to the echo in the sea
and an echo of me calls back too,
his arms outstretched and reaching.
he yearns, yearns, yearns, his lips
parted in the gentle blow of the wind, the swirl
of leaves, the bubbling of water.
more ground breaks off from the floor;
and he grabs as I get closer to that edge
and the birds shriek a warning gone unheeded.
the water licks at rock and licks me up as well,
starting at my feet, then my body, climbing up,
lapping at each limb and melting, melting, melting me.
his wretched reflection embraces each part
of that detached body, shoving it together.
i don't feel any warmth at all;
can't hear the wind, the birds, the rock,
the dying fluttering of life;
and then i think it was never there at all.

[basil!]

always those evenings where the dust turns into stars and the shades are pulled but its so bright,
cars honking and screaming but the rest of the world must be asleep or getting ready
and its always in those thoughtless moments the road must be empty and clean
i don't want people seeing the door closed, the bathroom locked, cabinet door slipped into place
tiptoe by the dreamers and their sweet sweet dreams and it smells like herbal soap
and the cars honking and screaming but the rest of the world must be asleep or getting ready
for what they don't know but i creep down the hall and place my feet lightly on the wooden tiles
because i can't make noise and wake the dreamers so deep in their sleep, i don't want to make them cry
but i've accepted the inevitability and it's those nights where the dust in my chest turns into stars
and i can't feel regret only whatever drives that sick smile to my face because i've given up on writing
and they won't even know what happened and i think it's so awfully funny when im shivering in my nightgown
and quoting words from some stupid song from a stupid person that died in the same stupid way--