──( the stars glitter above✦ )

[basil!]

"i mean, what can i say, really?"
"as if i knew!" she scoffed, throwing her blonde ponytail behind her. "is there anything to say?"
"i mean, there should be, right?" i asked, tilting my head to the side. "it wouldn't be right to just leave things be."
"why?" she asked, peering at me curiously. "does it bother you that much?"
"i...i guess not?" i answered, frowning. i hadn't really thought about my opinion on the matter.
"you're weird," she said, leaning against the school desk, her elbows on the weathered plastic. my eyes drifted to it, the brown material a cheap caricature of wood.
"how so?" i asked. "i think i'm pretty normal, personally."
"well, you don't even know what you want," she answered.
"am i supposed to?" i asked. "hm."
"of course you're supposed to know what you like! as a human being, you are aware of yourself and your traits. this includes your likes and dislikes, i suppose."
I looked at her for a second. "i don't know who i am," i answered finally. "i was never allowed to make that choice. i like what other people need me to like. it's as simple as that."
"you weren't allowed...? that doesn't make any sense," she answered, looking at me in concern. i shrugged.
"sorry, i don't know. i don't really know anything. my sense of self is fractured, and picking up my pieces is painstakingly slow. i constantly change who i am to please others. i don't have any sense of self. i don't have any worth. this is just the way i am."

[basil!]

you yank the words out of my mouth
and twist.
tears spring to my eyes.
it hurts.
you sneer at me, and
cut off my tongue,
the hunk of meat splattering on the floor.
my mouth is filling with blood;
I splutter and gasp and choke
for you to hear me.
but words have been beaten out of me.
I don't even have a tongue.
and you wouldn't listen anyway.
now every time I talk
it comes out wrong;
I can't make sounds with my broken mouth.
I'm a freak show,
a circus animal others laugh at
whenever I try to speak.
I wish I could stop,
but I am an attraction,
chained in place and kept barely alive.
I want to give my mouth a break,
to stop the blood rolling down my chin
and soothe my lungs, burning
from smoke and fear.
I never want to speak again.

[basil!]

Your words still hurt me.
They dig under my skin and devour my brain.
My body decays.

[basil!]

i wonder if i'll ever be able to tell you
the way my chest warms when we talk.
that the way your hair falls into your face
and frames your cheeks and deep brown eyes
is beautiful.
every time you speak to me like that
my heart speeds up.
so i wish you would stop
playing with it.

[basil!]

why am i worse than you at everything?
my chest hurts.
my heart is spilling out onto the floor
and cracking open,
but instead of blood i see
deep, black sludge
falling onto my white sneakers.
it's flowing down slowly
and dripping down my body,
through my cupped hands and
right to the floor.
i hate myself.
i hate you.

[basil!]

i wonder what your heart would feel like in my hands.
would it be warm, alive and beating,
the blood spilling off of it and staining by crumpled shirt?
or would it be cold and cracked,
shriveled up and black,
dry?

i wonder what your love would feel like in my hands.
would it be as sweet as i see it,
can it lift the veil making my eyes see monochrome?
or would you make my vision darker?
i need blood, to fill up the cavity in my chest.
my heart is withered and sad;
it doesn't even beat anymore!

please, let the rythm of your heartbeat awaken mine.
but am i capable of love anymore?
what do i do when my heart disintegrates into dust,
when the last moment leaves me.
i am suffocating, i can't breathe.
my heart does not pump blood to my brain.

why do you stab me, cut me open
and study my broken pieces like so?
i cannot put myself together now.

[basil!]

memories of you are like black sludge,
the type with dust and dirt and dead bug corpses
so dark it leaves a trail of slime on the sidewalk
as it slowly sludges into the gutter.
or maybe gasoline,
oily and viscous as it oozes into the cracks into my brain
and pollutes my thoughts.
a spark and it might ignite,
the flames burning and dancing
until all is left is charred flesh.

my head is flooding with you,
the filth soaking into every crevice in my brain.
the sludge leaks out of my ears and drips
onto the floor next to my feet.
i scrub and scrub but it won't come out.

[basil!]

i stand in darkness right beside you.
things turn to gold in your soft hands.

i pick your carcass up, and hide you.
things turn to ash in my black hands.

you rub the soot across my face,
and leave a fingerprint to stay.

i wonder if i can erase
this life, or maybe run away.

because the light falls on your face,
and darkness eats at my own eyes.

your flecks of gold fall, interlaced,
with ash and soot and all my lies.

you block the light, and so i stay;
so bright i couldn't leave you be.

but as i fall deeper, decay,
i know that you would leave me be.

i own the dark, i fall with it;
my body flakes off and stagnates.

i hate the dark, so dimly lit;
but you are tough and laugh at me.

you block off all the light and i can't see.

i just wish you would step away from me.

[basil!]

"come here, doll!"
i turned around, redirecting my attention from the two people i had been chatting to, the same pleasant smile on my face. My gaze landed on her, brown hair short and unruly, freckles thrown across her face.
"Hello, Lia," I said politely. "It is a very nice day today, no?"
"Oh yes, the weather is so nice. It is very warm today," she answered, then looked at me. "It is time to go."
She said a word to the kids I had been talking to, then took my hand in hers. My hand must have been cold, but she didn't complain.
It made me happy, her kindness. I gripped her hand tighter, hoping she wouldn't let go.
We walked past the streets I had seen thousands of times before, the battered store signs waving in the wind and people trudging in and out of half-open doors. The floor below me was grey and dirty, with bottles and cigarette butts and plastic bags strewn around. I kicked a coca cola bottle out from under my feet. It would have been nice to pick them up, but Lia would be angry. We had to hurry home!
I savored the fresh air in my lungs, the breeze against my skin, the sun on my face. I looked at the people around me, some in pairs and others alone, some happy and some sad. It made my chest warm to see so many people talking to each other, having a place to go and somewhere to be. I would like to have many friends too, I thought. Maybe if I could have a life like them...
But, Lia is all I need! I reminded myself. She gave me food and water and a place to live and money and a job. I shouldn't let my mind wander like that! I wasn't allowed to.
We turned down a street and walked into a dark alleyway. The dank air filled my lungs as Lia took a big key with several keychains attached to it and opened a dingy black door. She pushed it in roughly, and it banged against the wall. I flinched from the noise.
Lia stared at me disapprovingly. I opened my mouth to apologize quickly, but she stepped forward and I shrunk away before i got the chance.
"What did I say? Act professional. Act happy," she hissed. "I've told you so many times, over and over, and what do you do? What do you do, huh?"
She leaned in and I could smell the perfume of her suit. My heart beat wildly in my chest; I was terrified, so scared.
But she smelled nice. The grey of her eyes was so pretty and her skin was smooth and the way she looked at me with so much hatred hurt but she was so beautiful.
"What are you staring at?" she asked forcefully. "Answer my damn question."
"I disrespect you," I muttered quietly, my eyes sliding to the floor. I could no longer stand to look at her standing this close to me.
"Exactly," she said, straightening herself up. "I do so much for you and you don't even follow my simple rules. Don't show emotions like that. You don't have emotions. You're not even a person. You're a doll, a discardable object. Don't get so cocky."
"Sorry, Lia," I muttered, my head bent. Guilt clawed at me and I gripped the folds of my dress tightly.
"It's okay," she said, surprising me. She placed a warm hand on my head and gently ruffled my hair. Slowly, Lia smiled. "You know I just want the best for you."
My heart swelled in my chest and my cheeks grew warm, even though I could not physically blush. I felt like I was about to burst; joy swelled in my chest and I broke out in a wide grin, before realizing what I had done and snapping back to my slightly vacant expression. Still, my head buzzed as we walked into the house, and I had the urge to hug Lia.
I didn't understand why she changed her behavior so much. It was really scary sometimes. But it was okay, because she loved me and she did so much for me. I was eternally grateful for her.

[basil!]

it hurts, it hurts,
everything you do pierces my heart.
i have so many wounds and they all rot.
it hurts.

every time you're better than me,
it hurts.
every time someone praises you,
it hurts.
every time I don't understand,
it hurts.
everything must be right!
i stab myself over and over for my mistakes,
reopening old wounds,
making new ones.
i cannot let myself live like this!

everything you do hurts.
it hurts and hurts and hurts
and festers until my entire heart
is pain.
it consumes me,
laced with the bitter taste of jealousy.