trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

october 26th, 2020 ♥
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been quite awhile since I last made an entry here!

anyway, I guess in terms of big things, not a whole lot has happened. the school year's been going fine so far, none of my classes are overly complicated (I was having some trouble with my art class >_> but it's been going a bit better the past couple weeks now...) and also my workload is still really thin. I'm pretty busy on tuesdays and wednesdays though, since I'm working as a tutor those nights. ._. tutoring itself has been fine I guess... I haven't had nearly as many students come in as some of my coworkers but considering I don't like human interaction to begin with that's fine lol.

things have also been alright with my roommates I suppose, although e, who I'm sharing my bedroom with, has been annoying me from time to time... she has a really large workload with her classes compared to me, and she often spends more of her time procrastinating than actually working on any of it. then she proceeds to have breakdowns about how she has so much to do. <_< I actually went home two weeks ago for the weekend because I really needed the time away from her, grr.

we've got about a month left to the semester overall now. and um, I'm still not exactly sure what the future holds for me. when I went home my mom and I had the chat about what's going on and well, she said she might have the means of getting me through the winter semester. ...might. I meant to call her over the weekend and ask, though I ended up chickening out. x.x I KNOW I need to, preferably BEFORE the weekend comes again, but ugh oh man the anxiety is real.

so anyway, here's the two ways that the next few months of my life could play out.
a), my mom IS able to support me through winter semester. I stay on as per usual. however, the bill will be so large that there will be no way I can sign up for classes and housing come march, so yes, that will thus be my last year here. I'll then return home and work over the summer to help pay off the bill. however I cannot transfer to another school as long as we owe something to this one. x.x so depending on where we're at, I might not be able to go back to school in the fall and I'll just have to keep working till I can. rip.

b) mom tells me I CANNOT stay on. I immediately have to go around letting everyone know I will be leaving. I cancel my classes and move out at the end of november. I then RUSH to find a job - hopefully going back to my old one (since I saw they're posting ads for the job again so therefore I must be able to go back now >.>) - and continue to work for awhile. again I won't be able to go back for winter term since I can't transfer unless it's paid off. but good news is I should definitely be paid off come september so then I go back to school, probably at my hometown instead, and proceed to juggle that plus whatever job I've picked up.

I've obviously thought long and hard about both of those two options. option b would probably actually be a lot better in the long run when we're talking about money, since we'd owe less to the school in the end and I could start raking in a much nicer income than the sorry amount I make here at the campus. I could also guarantee my return to school in the september and probably will also be able to graduate at the original time. however, b also means I have less than a month left with my friends here. ): a means I'll have a lot more time for closure. it'll also be much less awkward than having to go to the family dinner at thanksgiving and announce we're too broke to go back to school. idk, they both have advantages and disadvantages. the only thing I do know for sure however is that even though the next year or so might be a bit rough and dark, things will start to get a lot better after that.

anyway, besides that. I've managed to get back into contact with l, YAY ME!! we've been meeting up sorta every-other-weekend and drawing and watching anime and going on walks and stuff and it's so nice to have here back in my life again. I've also been writing my new novel every weekend again and I'm very satisfied with it so far. I love my main character so much, omg. (also, this book ALSO plays a major role in options a) and b) of my life XD x.x I'm hoping to at least have this completed and ready to begin the publishing journey now by at the very latest, late next year. IF the book does well and I'm on route a) then I might postpone getting my degree for a bit, and instead concentrate more on moving out of the house. securing residency somewhere besides where we live would mean great tuition rates when I do go back. and if I'm on route b) then if the book does well then the moment I get my degree I'm outta here! ...so um, how quickly I end up moving out of the family depends entirely on the success of this book. that's a weird crazy thought. x'D)

well, I guess that's about it for now? I'm sure there's plenty more I could talk about, but I've got to go to class in a couple minutes, so I'll call it quits here. xP till the next one.

-trexxa
edit; dude, this journal has so many views. um, I hope my crazy life and lengthy rambling are providing you all at least some entertainment. lol.

[Trexxa]

november 3rd, 2020 ♥
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hard to believe it's november already. this semester - this whole year, in fact, seems to have flown by really fast. I guess that's not such a bad thing though, considering the less-than-perfect state the world is in right now.

before I know it I'll have been keeping this journal for two years already. o.o I was reading some old entries again before beginning typing out this one, and ergh... I'm honestly considering going back and taking out the contents of some of them... that's just not a part of me I'm exactly proud to show the world anymore. although, I guess it also technically shows my growth as a human being?? ...idk, so many things I said though just make me so ~uncomfortable~. like, could I not hear how crazy I sounded? I was so delusional, sheesh. if I ever do happen to run into mh again later on in life I think I'd be more embarrassed than anything now.

umm, well, let's not dwell on that any longer than need be. anyway, I mostly thought I'd just come to leave an update, since I'm fairly certain I've reached the conclusion of what my fate's going to look like. I actually came to the conclusion last week already, when I received another scary email about the bill. so, I texted mom it and her response was "you're going to need to visit the business office and see if they have suggestions". ._. she's been saying that for over a YEAR now - she says it every time a financial crisis begins to emerge. have I actually gone to visit? no. should I? maybe. am I going to? nope. she's convinced they somehow have a magic loan for me there, although considering the heavy amount of research I've already done, I think not. anyway, so hearing that basically told me "nope, she doesn't/isn't planning to have the money in time" which means... this is it.

I told my roommates that evening then, broke down about it perhaps a little harder than need be. ._. (I'm so annoyed about how emotional I get whenever I have to tell something that bothers me even the slightest bit. like, yeah me, it's unfortunate, I AM going to miss the people here and my classes and the place in general but the world is NOT about to end...) they took it about how I expected them to. they also then proceeded to organize a whole VACATION over the weekend for us - we went and stayed at a hotel and did some shopping and exploring in another town out of the state. it was a lot of fun, I'm happy we were all able to pull together and do something like that. (:

anyway, so now there are just under three weeks that I have left here. I'm hoping to invite l over this weekend again, so I can break the news to her then. idk when I'm telling ja yet, though also probably better sooner than later. I'm also thinking I really should text m and at least let her know. maybe she'll surprise me and quick throw a get-together together for me. if she doesn't though, then it's likely I won't be speaking to her too much in my future. which is unfortunate... but I've also realized there comes a point when you just have to stop trying. if m really wanted to have me in her life as badly as I might've wanted, then she would've made something work the seven other times I asked to get together. ._.

then there's also my advisor and my piano teacher I have to make the announcements to. I think next week I have to meet with my advisor anyway for class reasons, so I'll just take the opportunity to tell her then. as for my piano teacher, idk yet. it'll be a RELIEF not to ever have to take lessons anymore though, YAY. (although, whilst sitting at lessons today, it unfortunately occurred to me, what if he wants to arrange a deal where we continue to meet up via the internet anyway. o_o please, no...)

I guess I'll apply back to my favorite place soon as well, then. I really have to get the timing right with submitting that application though, ergh. if I submit it too early and then they call for an interview or whatever then I won't be able to come in and do that right away... but if I wait too long then it might be a few weeks before I actually get back on my feet at home... I also want to time it appropriately though so that I completely miss black friday, LOL. I've heard way too many horror stories from coworkers about working that day.

in the end... I'm both saddened yet also relieved that this is the route my life is going in. ofc I'm going to miss the people I've met here a lot. I'm going to miss the dorm life and my schedule and (some of) my professors. it's also not going to be a proud moment when I have to announce to the extended family that I had to step out for financial reasons, and watch as my cousin whose the same age as me probably graduate before me. ._. BUT it will also be good to get back into the workforce, and hopefully I'll be able to pay things off rather quickly and easily. I'm plotting to work right around 30 hours a week right now. 20 would be much too little, but 40 would make it more difficult to get the time in to write. 30 sounds like an appropriate balance. (and if my mom and dad bug me as to why I'm not working 50+ hours like how they used to "when they were my age" - I shall have to "kindly" remind them that writing this book is ALSO a job too - one that will hopefully pan out better than my "actual" job! >_>) and, well, like I said, I'll just have to take things from there. more likely than not I'll probably end up heading back, but to the local school, in the fall. although, maybe fate will surprise me and I'll have made mega-advances with the book by then - to the point I can move elsewhere and continue on my journey from there. (oh yeah, ps - haven't actually spoken to my mom since last week either... apparently she got very mad about us going on the mini-vacation because she thought it was too dangerous or something. err, no mom, we were plenty safe. although that makes me concerned now... what if she bars me from moving out or something later on then because she thinks it'll also be too dangerous for me to go at it alone? I sure hope she doesn't...)

well, I think I've said plenty. I've a script I should be writing instead right now, so I'm going to ...hopefully... go generate some ideas for that. till the next time.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 7th, 2020 ♥
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wow, I know it hasn't been that long at all since I last left an entry, but... omg. it's been a week. and when I say that, I don't mean it in a bad way either lol. honestly it's been the best week I've had this year. perhaps the best week I've had in several years. ;v;

for one, the weather's been BEAUTIFUL here, absolutely nothing like you'd typically expect for this time of the year. it's also been sunny the whole time, which alone has been a major mood booster, and I've managed to allot time to go on walks each day. class also went pretty well this week, as it has been for the past couple weeks now.

yesterday really did take the spot of top event of the year, though. to avoid accidentally spoiling any random visitors, I'll keep things pretty vague, but basically, my otp from my favorite show, which I have been shipping for literally seven YEARS... became CANON. ...saying that still has me baffled, LOL. all these years, I've been taking what tiny moments I've been able to get from the ship, while my hope it would ever actually become a reality continued to shrink more and more with every passing year. by this point the amount of hope I had left was literally just a speck, and while I was heavily disappointed, I was ready to accept a fact of the show ending without it ever becoming canon. but now...?!?! NOW IT HAPPENED! this is REAL!!
...and of course, waking up to certain other, political news this morning absolutely just took this week another step further. OMG. now I've just been sitting here most of the day, feeling so incredibly happy and so incredibly blessed. I feel like I certainly have a lot to be thankful for this thanksgiving, aha.

I've also been sitting and doing some reflecting on everything that's happened to me since I started going to school here, now that I'm going to be leaving. I've changed so... so much as a person. when I came in I truly had no clue what I was doing with myself. I came in as a music major, but not because I wanted to pursue it as a career, but because it was something I was good at and I had no idea what else I'd like to do instead. now I've since got it all figured out. I'm in the process of writing my own series, having already published a couple of little fanfic things, and I've become a master graphic designer - literal top of the class right now, lol. (I've been the only person to get an "a" the past two projects in a row!!)

coming in I was also convinced I was broken, somehow. I was convinced I had severe social anxiety, and was so afraid of putting myself out there. thus the few people who did actually reach out to me I became dangerously dependent on. now I've realized I just, uh, just don't like talking to people - save for a few. I might be a bit anxious, but it's a lot more generalized. anxiety doesn't prevent me from speaking to people. nothing is preventing me from doing it. I'm just not a fan of it. and that absolutely doesn't make me broken. that just makes me, me.

I feel a bit sorry for the people who had to put up with so much of my shenanigans though, my meltdowns about my "anxiety" and my "oh, my family's so terrible" - both of which were false ideas my head created. :| sorry I forced myself upon you so much m, trying to make you my "new" mom. and I'm sorry to mh (to some degree) as well, who became my next unfortunate target once m slipped out of the picture. I'm also sorry to l, who had to live with me and witness all of this play out (ergghh).

I'm no longer blinded by my flaws. I've come to accept them now, and avoid letting them consume me. they can, in fact, make me even stronger if I know how to use them to my advantage. coming into this place, I was young, and clueless, and inexperienced. now I'm leaving with a much greater sense of understanding - of my self, of others, of what the future holds for me. I might be leaving before getting that degree. but I know I will obtain it, one way or another, eventually. but it isn't as if it defines me, either. I don't need it to start my publishing, to make something of myself. this might be the end of the journey here. but it's just the beginning in the long run. after the way this past week's gone, I feel just about ready to conquer anything. and now I know - no matter how dark the future might start to look at times - I can, and will, overcome it all.

that was probably all a little sappy, lol. that's kinda where my mind is at though. I'm bittersweet for the moments I've had here. I also feel crazy at peace, having had so many wonderful - and unexpected - events play out before me this week. this is the happiest I've been in awhile, and it feels great. I'm so ready for the future, and I'm excited!

I should get going now. l will be coming over in ??around 2 hours?? I was also supposed to write today but didn't, lol oops. I just wanted time to enjoy the other little things instead, and with the rate I'm going, taking off one day shouldn't be a problem.

well, till the next time.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 20th, 2020 ♥
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boy, it sure has been a time again...

so I see it's been about two weeks since my last entry. not a lot of major developments have really happened. the next week after that entry ended up going kinda badly, which I had already figured it would, that's what happens when you have a whole week that goes all too well. ._. I've slowly been going around and announcing to everybody that I'm leaving. everybody who needs to know knows at this point except for my boss. I'm thinking of telling her in a bit here - provided only she gets back from her lunch break on time though, otherwise it will have to wait since I've got a grading conference to get to. unfortunately it hasn't proven to get much easier each time I tell someone... at least I've refrained from breaking down like I did with the rommates, haha... ha... I'm not sure why it hurts so much to tell everybody even, I'm honestly not even sad about actually leaving at this point. I mean, I'll miss these people (some more than others), but it's not like we can't communicate via the phone. I'm ready to move out and redecorate my room at home and get back to work and such.

...hopefully I am able to get back to work pretty quick. o_o I haven't noticed any recent postings for my job at the old place in like two weeks now... gulp. if I don't see any postings by this weekend I'll just have to start applying to other places, luckily I have a few more options in the pool now. although I'm also a bit scared we're going to end up going into lockdown where I'm from again too, because the rates are climbing so much - and they might explode after thanksgiving, aaaa. I just need a job, man. ;_;

things have also been a little crazy these past 24 hours. last night my roommates and I were just all sitting and chatting and laughing in the living room and then I went to take a shower. and when I got back I found that my roommate k had totally packed up half her things - because she got a phone call that her grandpa was in the hospital and that he was very sick. k also texted this morning to announce that he passed away. oh no. I feel really bad for her, but also this now extremely complicates things - because k's entire family was quarantined, and now that she's gone home to them she's been exposed as well, and k likely still needs to come back here to grab the rest of her things. so now e and a are freaking out and totally rescheduling their plans - a thinks she's going to leave this weekend and e isn't sure though is also thinking about leaving sooner too. so now I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing, because my original plan was to leave wednesday because I'm technically still scheduled to things on campus till tuesday night. except I really don't want to be left as the last person in the room that long - especially since I'm moving out - and if k comes back I don't necessarily want to risk exposure as well. I think I'm going to call my parents tonight and see what they have to say, ughhh. if they also think I should leave sooner then I'll start emailing professors and see what they say about the matter. otherwise, welp I guess I'm just stuck here...

well, other than that, there isn't too much else left to comment on. the next time I type one of these things I'll probably be back in my own room. like I said, I kinda am looking forward to that - especially the decorating part again for some reason. xD??? I'll do some rearranging to the organization of the pictures on my wall (also adding a few ones), also I want to experiment with hanging some lights across my ceiling. also I'm looking forward to rearranging just about EVERYTHING in there in general - the whole place is kinda a disorganized mess I haven't even dealt with since we moved in. well anyway lol. hopefully everything sorts itself out these remaining few days I have left here.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

december 18th, 2020 ♥
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I'm kinda bored right now so I figured I'd do one of these again, lol.

so it's been a fair amount of time. I have, yes, moved out of school and back to home. pretty soon it will be a whole month already that I've been back. I ended up moving out that sunday after my last entry, as I kinda hinted about doing in that post. my last couple of days were okay... al left saturday already too, so it was just me and e on the very end. I didn't get to properly say goodbye to ja or am, which kind of bothers me - we were going to meet up saturday, but ja announced that she had some meeting she forgot about, and then I was hanging out with l till 2am so we couldn't arrange something later. though I feel like if ja really wanted to, she would've made something work that sunday even. >:( oh well. whatever. (saying goodbye to l was really sad too ;-; I'm probably going to text her and wish her a merry christmas... I really do want to make an effort to keep in touch with her. who knows, maybe we can plan some sort of road trip someday and meet up again? oh yeah - e also talked about planning a road trip with the roommates to potentially come to my house, too! although - there's NO WAY I'm getting my hopes up on that becoming a reality - I lived with e long enough to know how horrible she is at sticking to plans. -_-)

anyway. so I do have a job now. I got it - literally I think my second day back home? lol - anyway, it's another coffee-related place, since I still couldn't find any new postings about my old job I saw that one and decided to apply, legit not even half an hour later I got a text asking to do a phone interview. aaand then I was instantly hired, like. what. xD so the job? it's... oookay. there's 3 main tasks involved with it - making food, making drinks, and taking orders (99 percent on drive through). I spent like the first two weeks just making food e_e, but this week I got moved to drive through. I was SUPER anxious about doing that at first, but so long as it's not lunchtime (rush hour), drive through really isn't awful. let's just say I've completely mastered my customer service voice, LOL. I've got to go back to work in an hour and a half as well - for some reason I got assigned a CRAZY amount of hours this week - been working eight hours/day since tuesday... I was also told it's back to food today. >.< (I wish they'd just get around to showing me how to make drinks already >_> that WAS the main reason I applied here!!)

anyway, besides that - I'm not a huge fan of the hours I'm given to work, I've had to start at 6am quite a few times UGGHHHHH. then the other shift I always get is starting at noon and going till close, which is fine I guess, except then I feel like I get nothing done the whole day. except work. ._. also my coworkers are. okay. one guy there was also a former employee at my old favorite place. we worked together for that tiny amount I worked over christmas last year. we've gotten along pretty well. :> there's this one other girl I don't mind either - I see a lot of me in her. but everyone else... ehhh... the guy who hired me is like, really old and not what I expected - xD - but he's also super laid back so that isn't bad. not a fan of the assistant manager lady though. she likes everything done *her* way. and then everybody else is like - really extroverted and they like to sit and chat in a group together while I'm just always awkwardly sitting to the side. but like, we have so little in common, I literally see no point in even trying to strike a conversation. ._. anyway. it's a job, really. I guess I'll continue to work here... for awhile. though that doesn't mean I won't also keep an eye at other potential opportunities.

so, besides that... not a lot has been going on. I've been writing sunday-monday as of right now (also requested mondays permanently off, so I can guarantee that, lol). also been trying to keep drawing too. oh, yeah - and I did pretty good with dec. 18th this year, too - I totally forgot about it with work omg lol, so it surprised me when I logged on last night - but then I got the ur lion!! that's the best I've done in so long!! also, christmas is only a week away then - I need to call my grandma tomorrow to talk about what we're doing for it. my aunt and uncle texted and said that they've cancelled christmas. ._. but I really, really think the rest of us should just celebrate without them (- with social distancing measures, of course). I last spoke to my grandma - literally exactly a month ago, come to think of it, LOL - when we cancelled thanksgiving, and she sounded SO crushed. tbh I'm more concerned about her mental wellbeing at this point, she's barely seen anyone since july. so, I guess we'll see what we can make work.

well, I should probably go cook lunch before it's time to go.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

in about 10 hours from now, it will be exactly two years since you first sent a message over my way. a message - that little did the both of us know - was about to majorly impact the future.

it's crazy to think it's been about a year and six months since we last spoke now. I haven't thought about you nearly as much this past year as I did the year before (although upon noticing the calendar date, I have been thinking more the past week or so...) I wonder how you're doing these days. I've noticed you online a couple times, via social media and that gaming app we friended each other on. you seem to be up awfully early... wonder if you're also working a really early job these days like I am? are you still living in the same city with your brother? did you finally find someone special where the relationship hasn't immediately soured? I wonder what on earth ever became of that letter I gave you. did you ever even read it? did you throw it out? do you still have it? (honestly, I hope you don't lol - I don't have a copy of it anymore either).

I think I've been doing even better again this past year. granted, I have ALSO now dropped out, the same as you had to. although, the amount I owe is almost three times what yours was, so I still think you really were making a big deal out of nothing when you left. :> I honestly have no idea right now how I'm going to go about paying that back and going back to school... the goal was to go back in fall but unfortunately now I'm starting to have some doubts that's going to happen...

but! besides that, mentally anyway, I know I'm doing better. before I had to up and leave in november I think I established a pretty solid and healthy friend group at school. I haven't had much contact with them since I left now... but now I've got a job which is ok, and I like spending time with some of my coworkers there. (although, I am starting to think about looking into other jobs - not at all because of the people, but because of better financial opportunities...) I've also come to realize that I ??don't think I even had social anxiety to begin with?? sure, I'm certain I have some general anxiety issues. but conversing itself has never caused me to freak out. rather, I think I've kinda discovered that I just... really don't like talking, especially to people I'm not close to. the only way I ever come to feel like chatting with someone is if we've spent a lot of time together - we practically have to live together. I don't think I had enough time to really reach that point of comfort with you. but I think you stemmed a lot of negative thoughts in my head, whether you meant to or not, by calling me "awkward" and whatnot. I am awkward in my own way. but it's a good thing. socializing isn't my strong spot - and far from my favorite one. but I'm intelligent. and a good listener. and an excellent writer, and a loyal friend. I'm sorry you failed to see that.

I'm sorry for the way I treated you too. I realize now I probably looked incredibly ...obsessive... to the point it absolutely made you uncomfortable. I think what happened is I really didn't adjust to college life as well as I claimed to. suddenly being away from my house and my family for the first time in my life caused me to seek shelter in literally whatever was closest... and when m stepped out of the picture and you timely stepped in... well, you know what happened next. I don't think I ever was in love with you, now that I've had the time to think about it more. I was simply infatuated, blind to reality in the face of my own issues. we both had issues we needed to work out. separately. putting us together in the same room just made those issues about a thousand times worse.

if you were to randomly reach out to me again today - I'd be more than down to respond and catch up for a bit. I'd love to hear what you're up to, and tell you about my own little victories in life. though I'm still not sure I could ever come to call you a friend again. you represent, at this point, a time in my life I'm not terribly proud of. but lately, especially now that even more time has been allowed to pass, I've also come to realize that you don't determine my whole future. you represent basically just a blip - a tiny period of time in the very long period of my life. you are but a small scar left on me - one that I can laugh at these days, and say how that only made me stronger.

I don't know if I'll keep writing these things to you yearly. it's kind of a nice way to see how my thoughts and opinions have changed - hopefully matured - over the years. I guess we'll just have to see how things go, really. anyway - that's enough rambling. happy second anniversary, "friend". I hope life treats you well.

ps - here's the first song I added to my playlist from that band you really liked - on april 19th. I still really like this band myself, sadly I can't listen to it much these days - 'cause I've come to associate all their songs with that very unpleasant stage when I was busy trying to get over you. this band kinda became my coping mechanism, I guess you could say - unsurprising... considering the sadness in this song, and so many of their others. I wonder if you also liked it so much, because that same sadness stuck with you?

pss - I cannot help but laugh at how the beginning of this quarantine stuff - at least in my area - began on your birthday last year. not gonna lie though, that day feels especially cursed to me now, and I cannot say I'm looking forward to it again this year.

[Trexxa]

october 4th, 2021 ♥
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it's been a really, really long time since I did one of these, huh?

both a lot and not much at all has happened in the... close to ten? months?! since I last added an entry. part of the reason I didn't add anything for so long is because I did take a pretty major hiatus from this site again, I was gone from about april up till now (returning for lolo and the site halloween event, ofc!).

where do I start? well, I still work at the job I mentioned last entry. they ended up promoting me to a shift manager back in march, so that was cool. but now I only pick up shifts about once a week or so, because I did get a new job about a month ago, at another, smaller, privately owned coffee shop. the guy I mentioned who used to work with me back at my favorite place... is basically my bff now. we'll call him... p. actually, the whole reason I got this new job is because p started working there, lul. I'll just say, we've been through a lot together - at both jobs now, and outside of work, as well. I'm so thankful fate pushed us back together after we initially met at my favorite place, because he's been such an awesome part of my life since I left school, and I think things would've been so much harder without him.

speaking of school, I'm, uhh, still in the process of paying back my old school. I should have it paid off by march, april at the absolute latest. but obviously that means I have not gone back to school this fall, nor will I being going back for the winter. whether or not I even go back next fall remains to be seen. I really would like to finish the degree, especially since I did get so far in my progress towards it, and it would be nice to have it just to say I have it. ;) also, it probably would help me... actually get a job that does not have to do with coffee for a change. but... life isn't exactly going that badly right now without it, either. the money I'm making is decent enough I've been able to support my bills while having room to splurge a bit (I finally got a new computer, by the way. I ended up going for a PC instead of another laptop, and totally remodeled what was the downstairs living area to make my own "gaming" room for it. no regrets, this is my favorite space in the whole world now lol). but... still, I don't want to be in this field forever. idk, I'll figure it all out with time.

in other news? I've kept on writing my book - onto the second one in the trilogy now. publishing seems like a far off dream though yet still. another reason I ought to go back and finish that degree - hopefully get help navigating this whole publishing process. because right now I honestly don't even know where to begin. I've made up my mind I won't self-publish though, because that'd just be the easy route, and I'll never sell that many copies that way. I want this book to do well. go mainstream, even, because I think my series communicates a lot of things the world really needs to hear right now. I know it's going to take a TON of hard work and dedication to get it to that point. I've decided I'm willing to put in the effort, though. if only I knew where to start...

I also convinced my mom to go on vacation with me in july - to the exact town and surrounding communities that I set my book in, jkshlskfls. the trip still feels crazy surreal to me. the goal for it was to basically live my life during that week as accurately as I could to the way my characters do in the book. and man... I actually pulled it off, and well. it was an awesome experience for my muse, I'll say that much.

besides that... there's a lot of little things I could delve into for a long while, but I think I'll avoid all that, since that's not exactly what this space is for. I think I'll go read these back for a little while now, always interesting to revisit them after awhile. honestly, I'm both relieved and sad that the days past in here have gone. on one hand I think I have things pretty good now, I got this sweet little space downstairs, and some money for the first time in my life, and a bestie who I know has got my back. but at the same time, there was a certain simplicity back then that I can't really get back now. if only past me could've thought about that, instead of hyperfixating so much on certain people... (nah, still never spoke to mh again, obviously. I'm constantly on that one gaming app we friended each other on with the new PC now though and I see exactly when he's online all the time. my latest hobby is silently judging every game he chooses to play, lol). I'm still a lot cooler than past me could ever be though, now that I can afford to get my own things, and I started dressing how I want instead of trying to blend in. ;)

well, I believe I've said enough. not sure when I'll do one of these again, then. we'll see.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 4th, 2021 ♥
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it's another one of those silly nights where all the muse and energy I could've used during the daytime on every other given day that week has decided to come strike me here and now, all at once, so. figured I might as well at least make somewhat of a use on it by writing up one of these.

doesn't feel like it's been a whole month since I wrote one of these. I feel like the whole month has just flown by, but also been a drag at the same time, if that makes any sense at all? let me just say - I am soooo ready to be done with halloween this year, omg. so glad I could stop hunting for tokens tonight. I clicked over 200 banners this year, that's like the most I've clicked in... years. I haven't averaged much over 50 during all the events otherwise the past couple years, so I'm pretty impressed with myself. but between that event, lolo, and then the halloween grind on my other video games... bleh. I'm all halloween'd out. ...christmas, on the other hand? usually I'm not a festive person at all, but some reason, this year - I'm ready to bring it on, lol.

I've been working a lot, as per usual. I won't lie though, I'm starting to get kind of fed up with my newer job. my other coworkers, besides p, can just be... horrible to each other. all I hear is "__ did this wrong" and "__ needs to put in more effort" and "__ really annoys me" and it's like. can we not. also, it seems like it's been a constant struggle to find people to fill in shifts since we had this one guy quit, back in september. which means it's always either p or me having to step in and help then. I've had to put in several eleven hour days there now. ._. I'm tired of being asked to help out like this all the time. I like to have my schedule all planned out a week ahead of time, at least. and I don't like putting in more than three days there a week, either - because it's literally the most I can stand to see my coworkers there, without going crazy. I honestly hope something changes there, and soon. because I really love the atmosphere of the place. and most of the regulars are so nice. (strong emphasis on most, though. boy, could I sure tell a few tales on a certain handful of regulars. ._.) I really want this place to work. but I'm afraid if things continue to worsen, then I'm going to cut back my hours more and more - if I'm going to make it there without exploding at someone and walking out.

I haven't gotten a chance to talk to p very much outside of the days our hours at work overlap. and that's for like. half an hour, once or twice a week. I'm thinking of telling him when I see him tomorrow that we should get together and chat for a bit. I know that place is seriously stressing him out too. might do us both some good to just sit and vent for awhile. I want to clear up some things with him too. better explain myself, about the anxiety I let him in about the other week.

anxiety. yeah. just when I thought I could say that had no part in my life, it came to get me. it's been haunting me since about april this year, ugh. it's really convinced me that I definitely did not have it back when I thought it was what was affecting me in 2019. because this? has been the most awful thing in my life - the symptoms are a nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I avoided mentioning it last entry because I've been trying to hide from it - thinking if I don't talk about it that it'll magically make it better, I guess. but when things got really bad on me about two months ago - to the point my heart was racing and I literally felt dizzy 24/7 - I decided I should take the alternate approach and see if opening up does me any better. so far? I suppose it has. dizziness hasn't really been a thing for the past two+ weeks now. thank. god. but everything's still not gone completely. but... the more I address it, the more I catch myself, the better it gets.

anywho... that was really all I had something to say on, I guess. man, I really can't wait till christmas though, lol. I suppose that's partially due to the xbox I'm really looking forward to getting - bought it two days ago, actually. I'm also just... strangely hyped for the holiday aesthetics in general? snow, hot chocolate, candy canes, pine trees?? it's really weird lol, but it's something to look forward to, and I could use that. it'll also mean a mini-break from the usual life pattern as well. tbh I feel like all I do these days is work, play games, and sleep. :T at least school left room for surprises, but this is all boring and predictable. I feel like I could use another vacation already, but then I'd also just fret about the money I'm losing out on. erghhhh. I hope I crawl out of this burnout phase soon.

well... even though I don't work till the afternoon, it is getting quite late, so I really should try to sleep. then I won't work tomorrow, but then I work all day sunday, and then monday, and tuesday, and wednesday... >< sigh. but each day is another day closer to the holidays...

anyway, till the next time.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 9th, 2021 ♥
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well would you look at that, not even a week later and I'm back again.

not a whole lot has happened, obviously, in that short amount of time. work was really boring today though, and it gave me a lot of time to think - and I don't know a better place to put those ideas really right now other than here.

I'm about two-thirds of the way done with my second book right now, omg. it seems like this whole entire book just flew right by - it kinda did, I did only start writing it at the start of august... I even took like a two-week break in there. weird. but last night I sat down and realized - I basically have the whole entire rest of the book thought out and ready to go, too. and I am HYPED to write it, lol.

this book... means a lot to me. and I mean, a lot. I am so in love with my characters, and the universe I have created for them. the ideas I've placed in that book are big ones, as well - big ones I feel are important, and others really need to hear. my parents - my dad, more specifically, have been at my throat for literal years now (even back when I just had my incomplete fanfics) about how I need to publish. every time my dad catches me doing something writing-related all I hear is "so when am I gonna see this published?" and "oh - check out this writing competition I found" and "oh, search up this publisher for me" and it's like... ugh. the thing is, that he doesn't get - is that I don't want to sell myself short and hand this over to the first publisher I find. if I give this to some publisher out of my hometown, I can guarantee right now I'm never going to sell that many copies. my book will only reach a tiny audience. which would be ok with me, if it were any of my other projects. but this book... isn't just any old project to me. this is my world. and the one thing, that I want more than anything - is to see this book do insanely well.

not just for the money, even. mostly just so I can share the message I want to with the world. and because nothing would warm my heart more than to see people grow attached to and come to love the same characters that I love so much. but that is never going to happen. not on the scale I want it to - if I don't succeed in handing this book over to the right hands. the ones with the status and fame to get that book to the point I could never take it by myself.

I keep thinking about publishing it as some incredibly far-off dream. but that dream is always going to be far-off, if I don't step up and do something to go get it. if I don't take action - within the next year or two, then I'm going to finish the trilogy, and then I'll grow more distanced from it, as I start to focus on other things. and then I'll either end up just settling on that small publisher - or, the worst thing yet - never publish it... at all. but I can't take that sort of action from the basement of my parent's house, in the middle of nowhere. I need to move to the big city.

more specifically, the city I've already been around twice now. the city where my book is actually set. all the people I need to talk to, to make my dreams come to life - live right there. last year - about this time I think, actually, I was fantasizing about transferring to school there, but I let that idea go pretty fast as it was instead replaced by the crushing reality of my big bills. but.. now, a year later? I just have to finish paying off my school by april and then... I have so much more money in my reserves. enough I could afford a place out there.

it already sounds a lot more daunting again than it did when I was thinking about it at work today. it's... scary, thinking about leaving my family, and p behind - going several hundred miles away to live by myself in a totally new and different city. I don't see why I'd have an excessive trouble getting a job out there, what with the shortages there are right now for employees. but... what if my calculations are wrong, and I find I'm barely able to get by each month? what if I get super homesick? what if, once I've moved in and set up my new rhythm, I find the life in general to not nearly be as glamorous as I thought it to be??

and - what if - even with living out there, I still fail to even get my book published? I foresee myself having to go back to school, no matter what, to even get started in the direction of publishing. because, even out there, I'll still be just as clueless, and I won't have built any connections, till I have professors and colleagues in the field to speak to. what if I just chicken out on it, like I'm notorious for doing? or what if I put in all that effort, and I can't find anyone with the name I want willing to take it?

but - but if I stay here, then that dream won't even have a chance to succeed. out there - I would stand a chance, because, unlike here, the tools to do it would be right at my disposal. not to mention - there is something so wonderous about that place. enough it was able to supply me with ideas for a full book - not once, but twice. my writing means everything to me at this point. and it is the one thing - that no matter what else happens, I know I want to always be with me.

I... I don't know. I'm nervous. it seems like such a far-off possibility, even though, in reality, it doesn't have to be. I think I might talk to p first about it, see what he has to say. and, if I do decide this is something I'm serious about, then I'll approach my parents. because if I talk to them about it, without me being certain, then they won't take me seriously, either. ...I'd be the first in my generation to move away from the rest of the family, since, like, my family came to live in this country several hundred years ago. but I've never exactly been like the rest of them, either. I've always been the dreamer, with ideas bigger than myself. that's exactly what my book is about too, funny enough. this book is my baby. and the one thing I want most - is to see it succeed.

...
I said I'd been doing some thinking. I don't know what will come of all I just said, if I'll be looking at this and cringing at my ideas six months from now, or if I will actually be planning some big move. ...nevertheless, I think it is time I started to think about getting out of this place, regardless of where I go. if I allow myself to get too comfortable living like this, I'm afraid I'm going to be a barista living out of my parent's house for far too many years to come.

yikes, I spent a good 45 min. on this. it's an early day tomorrow, so I need to take care of the rest of the things I need to do now, before I have to be asleep.

till the next one, I suppose.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 20th, 2021 ♥
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I appear to actually be making somewhat of a return to this place. huh.

anyway. as I've continued to do a lot of thinking the past week and a half, I felt like it was sort of necessary to go back and provide a few updates to this thing.

so, I actually managed to hang out with p last week, omg yay. we talked for a long while and painted our nails together. it was nice. xP so I brought up the idea of me moving to him, and turns out he's actually quite supportive of it. wasn't actually sure he would be, at least not without interrogating me a lot about it first, so that was nice... I guess?

I've been thinking a lot more about it myself too and... the more I think about it, the less and less impossible it starts to feel. I've been checking into more things, and doing more of the math, and - ok, I'll be done paying off my darn school in april, grr. I could honestly afford to make a big move like that after 3 months, though I'd prefer to wait at least 6 months, to be totally safe. but that would put me moving in october, and I wanna be home for the holidays, so it seems kinda silly to move only to turn back a month later. so. that would put me realistically able to make a move like that - january 2023.

it seems like a long ways off, but then again, at the same time, not really though. under two months and it will only be a year away. years do go by pretty quick, this journal I feel is pretty evident of that...

as of right now, I still really haven't made up my mind one way or the other about it, but, now that it's starting to feel a lot more plausible than it did even a week ago - I really am starting to give it some real heavy consideration. that consideration has also grown increasingly heavier after... some of what was yesterday.

well. to keep things short and sweet, I think I've dropped some steady hints in this thing over the years that my family and I's relationship... isn't always all that great. it isn't bad by any means - not like early-mid 2019 me made it out to be. (-.-) but... we're not exactly close-knit like some families you see, either. I have definitely noticed over the years that there's been a slowly growing disconnect between all of us - though, most definitely, with my mom. my mom devotes so much of her life to her job these days. she's gone 12+ hours a day, 5-6 days a week, and the time she is even spent home - is often still on the phone with work-related people. and when she's not somehow involved in work-related duties, she's always... so mad. about cleaning the house, about dad, about my sister, always about something - somehow tied to the rest of the family. y'know, at first I thought she was just overworking herself and way too stressed out from her job. but having joined her at work a few times, and been in on her phone calls - I've noticed she is always... genuinely happy there?? and that's a happiness - I haven't seen in her when with the rest of us - in ages.

talk has occasionally come up over the years. about how my mom wishes she could go off and do this, about how my dad would like to go live back with his own family, etc. of course, my family (including myself... obviously, and unfortunately) are all so bad at actually putting actions to go with their words. which at this point has basically given me reason to doubt just about anything someone around here says. but... let's just say, there was several things that happened yesterday - too much to be a coincidence - that have started to make me think otherwise. it really sounds... like my mom might actually do something this time. and she might go off, and split herself from the rest of the family.

if she actually does do what I'm thinking, though, it means... this whole house is about to go under. if my mom leaves, I already know for a fact my dad's going to sell this house right after and make good on his own promises to go back to his own family. which *ahem* would leave me with no house. and forced to make some very, very big decisions.

I could honestly be wrong about this whole thing. I could be just jumping to wild conclusions. or my mom could be serious, but then do what she always does and not make good on her words. regardless, that doesn't change the fact that this family is not what it used to be. the connection between all of us continues to grow weaker with each passing day. this place is honestly a sinking ship, and I need to get out of it while I still can. whether that be to follow my big and wild dreams, or chicken out and choose to take the easy path by getting my own place around here - remains to be seen. but the idea of following those dreams... does continue to grow more and more tempting, with each passing day.

-trexxa