𝒯𝐻𝐸 Raynee day writer's block l 𝓓𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝒫𝒪𝒮𝒯

[Opalxscent]

[18/04/2019 @2:11am] The requited love confessions, that brought my heart back from the dead


Dear Paige,
I've known you out of nowhere,
I helped you and you said i was a good person
Since that day, we talk everyday,
Every minute
It was just about a little amount of time,
But in the reality it felt like ages did already pass
I am proud that i met you,
Because now i can't imagine my day without you
Your friendship is precious and your happiness a treasure
You are precious, so lucky is the one who have you
I don't know what to write more,
The words are slipping from my head
Wish you like me as i like you
XoXo
-Mary


Dear Mary,
My heart flutters at each word
You leave my heart sincerely disturbed,
I care for each word you write,
I feel it strongly to me,
You and I are right,
It feels written in the stars,
Every passing moment healing my scars,
I like every part of you,
I wish to know every side of you,
I hope you like me,
As I love you
-me



You are dear to me,
Lend your ear to me,
I wish you were near to me,
I used to feel nothing,
But with you I feel everything, - me

Love is hope
When you love someone, you hope to be happy,
You hope to live with your love,
You feel like you got a new sun,
A new road to walk
When someone takes your broken heart, hopeless,
And just builds it again piece by piece,
You feel like your life is complete again
You see everything changing, you feel happy,
You have wishes in common with that person
Some say love is not important,
Some say love sucks, but deeper they know it is a lie,
Because someone failed to love,
So they say love sucks
Some will as well, judge you because you love this or that one
But it doesn't matter, what does matter
Is who you choose to be and make your happiness,
The one that you can trust,
The one you can see your love, your bestie,
Everything in a person
Love isn't lost -mary




I was once in possession of a jaded, cursed heart,
One in which I thought lovers should be worlds apart,
My mind and mouth was bitter,
My love was ruined by the lovers at the start,
Day by day my love grew sour,
With each and every passing hour,
Until one day,
A woman so fine and dear,
Helped pull me out the shackles of a toxic relationship,
She brought my heart back together bit by bit,
Each smile and minute with her,
My heart healed,
Like a miracle,
I did what I thought impossible,
I loved,
And with that final line,
I ask my dear Mary will you be mine? -me

[Opalxscent]

Frustrated she slammed her book on the desk, her chest tightening and the stress getting to her head,"dammit why? Why can't I feel anything?!" She looked wistfully towards her phone with a message from her partner, ignoring it,"Why am I not good enough... No matter how much you share your love with me... I'm as empty as ever. My heart flutters and races, I blush when you talk to me, yet I can't actually feel anything, I can't feel love, joy, anything. It's not you, it's me,Would it kill me to feel something even once? she wondered, is this really my fate?" She mutters under her breath, sighing in distaste," I know it's a lot better not feeling anything, I don't feel let down, I don't get hurt... but damn it's annoying. You express so much emotion yet I can't return any of it." Would it kill me to feel something even once? she wondered, is this really my fate? She tossed her phone across the room and decided to sleep, it was just too much. Everything was too much. Talking seemed unnecessary, feelings felt unnecessary, everything at that moment felt unnecessary. She didn't care if her partner broke it off that moment, in fact it would be exactly what she'd expect. And with that she silenced her thoughts with music and dozed to rest...

[Opalxscent]

Forget

Sometimes I wish I could just forget,
Forget I ever thought anything to begin with,
Forget whatever stirs my inner chaos,
Forget about it all.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care as much as I do,
I wish I didn't feel,think,see,
Breathe.
Forget it all.

After all what use is it to me?
It is but a hindrance,
my entire being is an obstacle,
an obstacle I wish to overcome,
whether that be through dissapearance
or assassination of any remaining emotion.
Forget it.

Why do I continue to mourn?
Why do I continue to scorn?
Why don't I just accept this is who I am,
a stubborn apathetic excuse of a human,
how about we all just.
Forget.

[Opalxscent]

What you gonna do for 2020?
What you gonna improve?
What you gonna let go?
Starting February:
I, Paige, am going to:

1. I am going to get my driver's license ❌
2. I am going to get rid of my worst habit ❌
3. I am going to stop eating junk food ❌
4. I am going to stick to an exercise routine ❌
5. I am going to read all the new books I have ❌
6. I am going to become stronger ✔️
7. I am going to Pass my college course ✔️
8. I am going to get into university [On Hold] 🟡

[Opalxscent]

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2021 New Year's Resolution

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What would I like to improve?
• I would like to manage depression episodes better by sticking to self care methods and finding ways to motivate myself so that I don't fall behind into a deeper hole.

• I would like to be more on schedule when it comes to school club activities to keep my position by the end of my course.

• I would like to improve my skills such as poetry or art. I'm getting a new bullet journal and planner so I'll test things out in those.

What would I like to start?
• I would like to work on my addiction again. I did not manage to curb the habit last year and so I would like to see some progress this year.

• I would like to start working on moving on from the past, I get sentimental and tend to try to reach out to old toxic friends upon memories that were good hoping things will go back to how they are. But they never will be. I need to find a way to move on so I can start my young adult life and be fresh for university next year.


What small habits do I want to adopt?
• I would like to say what I'm grateful for every day to start to fix the negative mindset that often causes a lot of trouble for me

• I would like to maintain a clean workspace rather than letting it get cluttered during an episode.

What did I not achieve in 2020 that I'd like to achieve in 2021?
• Finish atleast 1 book that I purchased last year

What would be wonderful to achieve by the end of the year but is more likely to happen in 2022?
• I would like to get my driver's license but my schedule is already quite busy so I might not have time until next year with all my scholarly responsibilities

True guilt is guilt at the obligation one owes to oneself to be oneself. False guilt is guilt felt at not being what other people feel one ought to be or assume that one is. - RD Laing, Scottish Psychiatrist [1927-1989]

[Opalxscent]

6 Years

Dancing dragons swirl while I'm walking on the clouds,
Breezes of spring twirling breaking the mind's shroud,

A strength that's always hidden under controlling chains,
Flames flying into butterflies destroying what remains,

My heart beating tired of the pain I'm ready to start again,
The past will never change but neither will I without change,

Starting fresh as the ashes sorrowfully stain the oily sky,
Like black obsidian strength in knowing I'll never know why,

The butterflies are called to me like a lightbulb for a moth,
As I smile strongly whispering a promise to myself as we troth,

Flying like a phoenix breaking its truthfully tight crass chains,
Defying the rain that evaporates to its touch inner self regains,

Transforming in a tsunami as I dance to the thunder up high,
I'm not sorry I can't lie to myself thank you darling goodbye,

I will never be a fool again not to you nor myself for the years lost,
But I wouldn't change a thing in this world or the past for this cost,

My heart's slender shape morphing from my old self to a new form,
To be alive and well despite mistakes I'm eternally grateful to be reborn.