✎ - journal

[lovestruck]

its called a crush for a reason,
they say.

but

the butterflies,
the heat on my face,
the energy pulsing underneath my skin
causing my heart to beat uncontrollably

Making up perfect scenarios in my head
Even though that’s all it is- in my head
It’s the most vivid of dreams,
the most exotic and beautiful type
A perfect world where it’s just the two of us

It is worth the inevitable pain.



oop side note- it’s so funny to think abt the people I used to have crushes on lmao like they aren’t even remotely attractive to me now (well except a few of them)

[lovestruck]

shut up,
she says to me,
as she stills my lips,
[i]nobody wants to listen to you,
No wonder nobody likes you.
Just keep your mouth shut and it’ll be ok
-anxiety

[lovestruck]

why do I still think about you
when I know you’re in love with her
why do I still think about you
when you’re kind to me
when you smile
you consume my mind

[lovestruck]

I want to fall in love
I want a perfect romance
we would dance
under the stars
as the moonlight kissed
our silhouettes

[lovestruck]

i need to learn the difference between actually liking someone and liking the idea of them. I get all caught up in these false feelings- because I imagine myself with a person- on dates, talking. But it isn’t really them- it’s a false version, an expectation I’ve made up in my head of these perfect scenarios- things that will never happen. And because I’ve done so- I start to truly believe these people are as perfect as I’ve imagined them to be- that we fit together, like I’ve pictured. But it’s never true- never real. People aren’t always who you want them to be- I only wish I’d known this when I wasted my time for all those months- what if because of this false idea, I overlooked someone truly special? This is my biggest fear

[lovestruck]

what if- I choose the wrong road
If the one less travelled by
Is as such due to scoundrels and thieves
Yet the seemingly right path
Leads me to nowhere
Leaving me without relief
What if I can’t see
the path for me-
and end up on a road to nowhere?

[lovestruck]

it gets me
again and again
Slinking through the shadows of my mind
springing from behind
I can resist
but choose not to
and instead let it consume me

[lovestruck]

I just want to kind of.. write all my feelings here and just let myself be for a bit. Some of it might be rambly or not entirely true- I may see it minutes later and think.. no.. but I’m simply writing the thoughts that flow through my mind. I’m not even really sure what to write.. I’m so grateful for where I am in life right now.. my puppy is currently sitting on my lap and it’s the best feeling in the world, to feel so loved by such a perfect creature. Basketball is going.. well I guess. I know I have more potential than what I’m living up to though.. I know I can do better.
Still though, I have this sinking sadness, this empty loneliness threatening to consume me, to devour my very being. It comes and goes as it pleases.. it’s as if one day I’ll be perfectly fine- then the next I’ll feel incomplete again, worthless. Nothing even happens to make it happen. Now I wonder if I just like being sad.. after all, crying feels so good. I mean honestly, just weeping and letting it all out is such a high in the weirdest way.. but it doesn’t really make anything better.
It’s interesting to me that in a year I’ll probably be back here again, reading this, and laughing about my old self. Oh, how much we change in such a short period of time.
I think I miss feeling wanted. Now I sit by myself, feeling as though I’m worth nothing at all to those around me, becoming an exile- through my own making, however. If only I hadn’t been so trusting, so foolishly blind. I let myself invest wholeheartedly in those who didn’t care for me at all, but rather saw me as an embarrassment I suppose, for not conforming to the sheep like nature of human beings, for not being an exact clone of every other person I know. I know I’m better off without those sheep in my life, yet I still can’t help but feel worthless and alone when my only friend and I both know we barely get along.. every conversation is forced... I feel as though I don’t have anyone to talk to who really understands me at all, nobody who makes me happy.

[lovestruck]

losing people hurts, butrealizing they were so toxic and unappreaciative hurts more. realizing you were nothing to them is devastating, but the worst part is knowing how much you cared for them, when you were worth nothing at all. but they are not worth your time. every little moment you spend with them is not worth it.

but moving on-it’s amazing. when you finally meet those new friends, and you’ve let go of the old ones. you’ve finally realized how blessed you are and just how mistreated you had been. it’s rejuvenating, rejuvenating to actually feel happy around other people for the first time in so, so long. and finally, every moment of your life feels like it’s added up to this one, and every moment with them you’re laughing and smiling- and happy. so, so happy.

it’s nice, knowing you’re not alone, and never will be, because all around you are people that care for you, people that you never even knew about before. all it takes is that one moment, when you decide to finally be set free from those people burdening you. one moment, and you’ll open up a whole new world of people, who will love you more than they ever could have

it’s funny how I was pretending I was ok for so long
pretending to be looking up,
to see a future,
that I was better off even if I was left broken hearted
I was wrong. It doesn’t get better
I was pretending to be ok, to see the light- pretending that I had moved on when I hadn’t.
I never let myself grieve properly

[lovestruck]

I’m tired of never being enough
What is so wrong with me that I’m not lovable anymore
That I push away those who do love me because I can’t-
...
fake happiness any longer

This can’t be the end of the story
can’t be the end of the road
Please don’t tell me I’m broken