✎ - journal

[lovestruck]

please do not reuse or repost any of this. i don’t know why anyone would, but don’t. this is where I’m gonna be writing from my heart. when I’m upset, when I’m happy, in love- who knows. it could be a poem, some words, a story- but it’s mine. my story, my heart.

[lovestruck]

losing people hurts, butrealizing they were so toxic and unappreaciative hurts more. realizing you were nothing to them is devastating, but the worst part is knowing how much you cared for them, when you were worth nothing at all. but they are not worth your time. every little moment you spend with them is not worth it.

but moving on-it’s amazing. when you finally meet those new friends, and you’ve let go of the old ones. you’ve finally realized how blessed you are and just how mistreated you had been. it’s rejuvenating, rejuvenating to actually feel happy around other people for the first time in so, so long. and finally, every moment of your life feels like it’s added up to this one, and every moment with them you’re laughing and smiling- and happy. so, so happy.

it’s nice, knowing you’re not alone, and never will be, because all around you are people that care for you, people that you never even knew about before. all it takes is that one moment, when you decide to finally be set free from those people burdening you. one moment, and you’ll open up a whole new world of people, who will love you more than they ever could have

[lovestruck]

i have decided to write here daily, as a type of motivation, and diary. I don’t really mind other people seeing this- it’s personal- but it’s human. Maybe I can help others, not only myself. when I look back at this writing I hope to see a different person, a person who I’ve improved from so so much. I need a place to rant, I’ve needed one for so long after my friends turned their backs on me.
I take too much for granted, I think everything is mine untill it’s not. I though I’d make varsity- instead he puts me on a team with JV girls who are terrible. It’ll be just like last year. I’ll be calling for the ball, open. I’ll have to be a leader. Sure- it’ll be good for me to lead, but I KNOW I AM BETTER. I KNOW I am worthy. I’m ten times as good as them, and I know I’m not seeing wrong. I get that they need a tall post player, and the varsity team has her- but I don’t want to be on jv. I don’t want to have to start all over. I don’t want to have to be the only one who knows how to play. And it makes me angry, and frustrated and confused. And I’m gonna show them. From now on, I’m putting in twice the work, twice the intensity. It’s gonna be a new me. I’m done thinking things will just come to me. It’s time for me to step up. I WILL get everything I dream of and more. I will succeed, because I’m determined

[lovestruck]

she makes my heart feel fluttery
like a thousand butterflies are beating against my chest, trying to escape
but she doesn’t like me-
she never will
probably doesn’t even know I exist.
everything in me urges me to talk to her, to smile at her- anything
but then-
my cheeks become a deep pink, my breathing stops, and my heart quickens
she is perfection
and I’m but a drab grey next to her golden beauty.
and I know she likes girls too
but what if she won’t like-
me.
with
her soft lips
her cute nose
the way she laughs
her perfect smile
how could she?
I must get closer to her but
alas
I cannot
for I am scared
that this perfect idea of her in my head is not reality
that I’m not worth her, no not really
what if I will never be enough?

[lovestruck]

I am
but I am not

I am strong
But I can also be weak
When others leave my life I crumble

I am persistent. I refuse to give up
But I also succumb to the sweet dillusion of giving up- that what if, what if I stop now and don’t have my heart crushed again

I am loving
But I also have troubles with this loving
Now that they have left me behind, I have realized that I see the good in people. And it is not ok, because I let them pretend to be good when I know and they know that they are nothing of the sort.

and I am tall
but sometimes I cannot stand proud enough to voice my opinions and take what is rightfully mine. And again, I am left
In the dust.

I am
but I am not

[lovestruck]

its such a shame
that I gave you all of my time
and you left me with nothing but pain

[lovestruck]

im alone
i don’t think I deserve this but- I must, if it has happened to me. for some reason, I must go through this pain, perhaps there’s something waiting on the other end
i wish I could just start all over again
but I can’t
the one thing that made me happy has been taken from me
and now all I have left is god
and I love him- after all, he’s always there for me, and my prayers are always answered with them
but I cannot be patient
I need peace now
i don’t know how much longer I can wait
to be happy again

[lovestruck]

empty

[lovestruck]

I have a smile on my face
braced
for when it disappears again

[lovestruck]

i feel nothing
no tears threaten to trickle down my face
no smile plays at my lips
at first I despised these emotions
but now I find- they’re something I miss.