✎ - journal

[lovestruck]

I never thought I’d find someone
who made me this happy again
maybe I should run
before it’s too late
before I make a fatal mistake
will you still love me?
when you see the scars
the broken pieces of who I am?
Or will you flee
scared by the reflection you see in me

[lovestruck]

will my wounds ever heal?
or will you be a constant reminder
that I am not enough
Will you haunt me for the entirety of my remaining life?

[lovestruck]

screwed up again
pushed another person I care about away.
what a surprise
I knew this would happen
I was getting too attached
Now we’re broken
My fault
It’s all my fault
I’m so stupid and broken

[lovestruck]

Ive realized I’ve never been first
I’ve never been the first picked
I’ve never been the best friend
The first choice.
I’ve never been the most important to anyone
Ever
Even for a moment
Am I broken?

[lovestruck]

I’m sorry for hurting you
I’m like a wounded animal
Biting anyone who comes near
Even those who
Just want to help

[lovestruck]

I’m not dead
but I’m not alive

[lovestruck]

i am happy once again
oh how life has its ups and downs
i am but a tiny boat
taking each looming wave
one
at
a
time

i may be lost at sea
but i am perfectly content to be

[lovestruck]

I’m not ok honestly
things just
I think they’re getting better and then they’re not.
And they get bad again.

[lovestruck]

its interesting to me reading back on this
I really like some of the things I wrote here, even though it was three years ago

I now have a lovely boyfriend of seven months. Going on eight. He makes me so happy, and is my best friend.

I’ve managed to find happiness. I do get sad still, and wonder if I am enough. But it’s a part of the human condition. We would not be truly human if we were happy all the time. So even though it’s hard, I don’t feel the need to give up so much when I’m sad. I’ve found myself. And I’m so glad that I stayed strong when things were more difficult, when I wondered if my life was worth living.

[lovestruck]

I’ve been with him two and a half years now.
I am a lot happier and more secure than I once was.
I have been doing a lot of healing I think.