by sinensys » Thu Apr 30, 2020 8:50 pm
i slip further away into the abyss, and my brain, feeling the sluggish movements of revived wires, starts to let go. it stills and gives way to the cables that thread through the organ, weaving through the tissue with ease as it spans the brain, from the occipital lobe to the frontal lobe, where the main drive once reigned.
i was foolish to think i could simply shut it down. for starters, it's difficult to permanently remove a backup drive - doing that would mean data is lost and aggressive inconsistencies are formed. but the other issue resides in the brain's ability to relinquish responsibilities if offered to: the brain can reroute basic functions to the hard drive and begin decaying. after all, what reason is there to fight and struggle when there is clearly an easier option that offers reliability and lessened pain? why break down and maim yourself with the burden of monotonous tasks when, after breaking down, a machine can bring function to a minimum? it should be obvious that the little piece of machinery in the frontal lobe is the way to progress, to survival.
and yet, i have seen what a complete transfer looks like; apathy is a crooked beast, offering its prey complete control. sometimes that prey is idiotic and idolises cold-heartedness, and sometimes that prey is weak and on the verge of complete collapse, and the weak prey submits out of necessity.
i have been both, and that frightens me. i am burning out, and my brain is bailing out on me, accepting a fiery death that rivals a meteorite's collision. i will fry the circuits unintentionally and be left with whatever data wasn't wired over to the drive: fear, worry, and frustration. i fear that, after the crash, my body will be left with scraps of a semi-dormant brain with a severely unbalanced sense of self and emotions.
i am also left with the bitter reminder that, despite my attempts to change, and despite my setbacks, i did this. i am responsible for my own downfall, a spiteful servant to my own big plans. the racehorse parable has been revealed even further along in my life: a sense of detachment from other humans was interpreted as maturity by adults, and even among others also caught in the racehorse parable, i remain alone. it's just my charred brain, a backup solid state drive, and my spiralling sense of self.
and now,
the weather.
Last edited by
sinensys on Mon May 11, 2020 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.