. // THE INSOMNIAC'S CALENDAR. )

[sinensys]

i wish i could see what intricate artwork you see in me. sometimes i wonder just what i would have been able to accomplish in all this time if i did.

i wish you would never see the mechanisms hidden in the details, machines drowned out by distractions in the bigger picture. you don't need to see my catalogue of foreign behaviours i use to traipse around people's minds and motives to get what i need or what someone else wants. i am ashamed of the craftily coded software i am.

[sinensys]

the creatures bears its teeth, raises its weapon. it hesitates, tail twitching under the strain of the god's control. suddenly, the figure relaxes, its beastly teeth retreating into its jaw and spear lowered, before it speaks in a voice warped and layered with the millions of entities encompassed by the greater god. lesser spirits must fuse into a lesser deity to become a greater god.

a moment passes, and it speaks such words:
i have seen the other extreme, the one you sought to achieve.

the world seems to still and silence itself as the god takes a leisure step forwards. then, after another moment, it continues:
you wished to become ever impassive and in control: the perfect machinery with self-correcting software that prevents deviance. but i have seen and i am worried that you haven't. you must reconsider. it is absolutely imperative that you seek a new goal unless you wish to become like them. you must reconsider.

i stand in shock. i believe the fiend: i am familiar with the ways of the snake and the crane, and these news were no lie. this was truth, and genuine concern. and while i have not yet seen the true path for me, i have been convinced to strike out another terrible path. i will not automate and remain cold. i will not obey my software and remain detatched emotionally. i will reject stoicism, for stoicism leads to blindness. no, instead i will seek self control, but also self expression. i will seek to ability to restrain, but also to release. i will master myself for my own enrichment, not for the convenience of others. i will not submit to a silencing of the mind! i will emote, and laugh, and cry, and smile, and frown without reason, yet without abandoning reason. i will be reasonable, but i will permit emotion that isn't boredom or stress. i will welcome joy and sadness, the marks of the days of the week to prevent the monotony of days.

i will seek balance. i will define the scale, and i will find its centre one day.

[sinensys]

twisting and turning,
writhing
i carry my burdens
crying

[sinensys]

>> i shall call you soph, the only name that has not failed you (yet).

[sinensys]

rampant rages surging through the town while spoons jitter against the cups they reside in, shaken by the external turmoil. the house hyperventilates, shuddering at the thought of the terrible power that rushes the streets not too far from here. a mirror wobbles from its post on the wall and cabinets begin protesting noisily. a chair falls over mid-dance, stumbking, messing up its fancy footwork as the floorboards hum beneath it.

i turn the page, pause, and then look up; i remove the spoon from the cup - silencing its frantic heartbeat - and set it on the napkin.

the book reminds me that gods and men are not categorically different as the bleed into one another periodically. i am fascinated, sating the crane and the snake while also feeding that evolving creature in the caverns of my skull. it is rising, awakening, slowly learning; one day it will be reasonable and be able to reason simultaneously, and this i eagerly await. one day i shall become my own god and find my own name, for the snake will hibernate and the crane will migrate eventually, abandoning me with a wild and vicious animal. i will teach it to reason, and i will teach it to speak. i will then find out what that beast's true name is, for it is neither sebastian nor connor.

[sinensys]

the evicted beast weeps softly, but i cannot.

i cannot.

[sinensys]

crooked, crooked teeth -
please replace the skull in your jaws
with a skull other than my own



thanks

[sinensys]

crooked fiend of shadows
lurking in the dark,
the nightly creature follows
- waits to make its mark

i no longer have the patience it has.

one day they will find its soul
in my empty body
where it wallows for all eternity
- a ghost in a foreign tomb.

except one day, it, too, will die.

[sinensys]

"the american dollar is strong," he nods with affirmation.

the american dollar is a foreign currency:
it is rich in nations besides the u.s.;
in the u.s., people struggle to feed themselves.

some of us starve
while the top ten percent
feeds off
the bottom ninety percent
and then leeches off
other nations
in order to support
its grossly fat body.

one day this bug will die
and leave behind
a rotting carcass no one sane salvages.

[sinensys]

dimly lit and littered with teeth, the ground occasionally gleams white - bleached teeth and shiny strands of grass. the teeth are immobile, but the grass sways at the wind's gentle suggestion. otherwise, it is a silent forest path that meanders through the trees' teeth and claws, hidden from the moon's naive gaze and from the sun's watchful eye. armed with a weak flashlight, the ghost wanders onward, seeking that door that intrudes on the ghost's mind and peace.

so onward they go.

the teeth crunch like gravel with every step, splintering under the ghost's nonexistent weight and aggressively clicking. as do i.