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[Rylf]

Thank you, really appreciate your time! Just curious though, I sent you the link to a post two pages before the piece you critiqued, just wondering how you ended up reading that one instead of the one I posted. Did you scroll through the thread or did the link send you to that other post?

Oh, geez. I'm sorry! xD It sent me directly to that one. If you want me to critique another on that same thread, just tell me the title and I'll look at it~

[TheSongOfTheStars]

The one I was hoping for crit on is on the bottom of page six, prompt 81 on the front page, titled "a stake through the heart would kill anyone." If you feel like it.

[Rylf]

The one I was hoping for crit on is on the bottom of page [four], prompt 81 on the front page, titled "a stake through the heart would kill anyone." If you feel like it.

Uhhhhhhhm, rewording?:
""Indeed," Darkmoon rolled her eyes and slowed her pace as she realized that her daughter was panting for breath "Though I'd my rather leave you in situations like this.""
Though I'd my leave in situations like this -> Though, I'd rather leave you out of situations like this (assuming this is what you meant)

Commas:
"Instantly Darkmoon. . . " -> Instantly, Darkmoon (creates a slight pause)
". . .but before he even raised the blade fully above his head Darkmoon lunged and brought him to a swift end."
. . .his head Darkmoon. . . -> his head, Darkmoon
"Coe can you help me roll it up?" -> Coe, can you help me roll it up?
"Since the colony's have grown so isolated they'll most likely. . . " -> isolated, they'll most likely

Now that most of the grammar is out of the way...

*Inhales deeply after finishing the story.*
I love this. In a heart-wrenching, bittersweet kind of way. I got so into it, I actually set the grammar aside and simply enjoyed the story (which is hard for me to do, mind you). I just. Hn. It was really emotional. Especially the ending. After reading both of your excerpts, I've noticed the strong ending is your forte. You built up and up and up then crashed the reader down so low, they want to bawl with your characters. While the first one had a different buildup, the ending was still just as powerful emotionally, simply a more positive emotion. But I have to admit, I love this one more. xD I'm a real sucker for tragedy in stories and those scenes takes me FOREVER to write and be satisfied with. You. You did absolutely lovely~ cx

[TheSongOfTheStars]

Thank you! All of those on the thread I've written without editing bc I'm lazy, so this should hopefully encourage me to go back over and fix those little things all up.

And I really was going for the emotional punch at the end for both of those, so I'm glad that I got that across. Thank you for reading them, super appreciate it!

[Rylf]

Thank you! All of those on the thread I've written without editing bc I'm lazy, so this should hopefully encourage me to go back over and fix those little things all up.

And I really was going for the emotional punch at the end for both of those, so I'm glad that I got that across. Thank you for reading them, super appreciate it!

Of course! I love reading stuff like this~ I might even go back and check out the rest just for fun. :3

[quiixxy]

imma save this qwq

[Elix]

Hi, iam Lizzy and i wright to cope with things that hapoen in my life. I edit this one every once in while but i can't seem to get it just wright. My native language isn't english althought i feel like iam getting bettee at it. However would you like to help me edit it? Thank you so much already.

It doesnt really have a title yet....


You keep adding water to a lake that is already filled with my tears. The dam keeps it from showing to the outside world. The last drip. The breaking sound of defeat. My heart shattered on the ground floating in blood that once used to be a heartbeat. I breath in the cold air that is suffocating my mind. The cold air freezes my tears. The frozen water is a savior for the village. I open my eyes en feel the warm glow radiating from the realisation i have made. The ice melts. The dam is on the verge of breaking. A tear rols down a face that i used to call my own, now its nomore than a mask. The dam breaks.The water gushes out. Destroying the beautifull village I have build with my bare hands on a foundation of trust Tears streaming down,each finding a new way to fall down like the roots of a tree that wont find hapiness no matter how deep it digs. It's roots climbing deeper into the earth in a desperate search for happiness. Not realizing it is strangeling itsself, searching for a moment that may never come. The dam breaks. Bringing water to the forever thirsty tree. The moment came. The moment is gone. The village is broken and so am I .Iam drowning in the ocean of tears that i have created myself.All that is left from the beautifull village are scars. Digging deep in the ground. Making the foundation weaker And now we build a new village on old scars in a hopeless attempt to find happiness.

Thank you for reading

[Rylf]

Hi Lizzy!
Corrections are in (bolded parentheses) directly after the mistake
Hope these help!

You keep adding water to a lake that is already filled with my tears. The dam keeps it from showing to the outside world. The last drip. The breaking sound of defeat. My heart shattered on the ground (comma) floating in blood that once used to be a heartbeat. I breath in the cold air that is suffocating my mind. The cold air freezes my tears. The frozen water is a savior for the village. I open my eyes en (and instead of en) feel the warm glow radiating from the realisation (realization) i (capitalize) have made. The ice melts. The dam is on the verge of breaking. A tear rols (rolls) down a face that i (capitalize) used to call my own, now its (it’s) no(space)more than a mask. The dam breaks.(space)The water gushes out. Destroying the beautifull (beautiful) village I have (remove “have”) build (built) with my bare hands on a foundation of trust (period) Tears streaming down,(space)each finding a new way to fall down like the roots of a tree that wont (won’t) find hapiness (happiness) no matter how deep it digs. It's (Its) roots climbing deeper into the earth in a desperate search for happiness. Not realizing it is strangeling (strangling) itsself, (itself,) searching for a moment that may never come. The dam breaks. Bringing water to the forever thirsty tree. The moment came. The moment is gone. The village is broken and so am I (remove space).(space)I(space)am drowning in the ocean of tears that i (capitalize) have created myself.(space)All that is left from the beautifull (beautiful) village are scars. Digging deep in the ground. Making the foundation weaker (period) And (remove “And”) now (capitalize “Now”) we build a new village on old scars in a hopeless attempt to find happiness.


Besides grammar..I LOVE this work. It's so.....dramatic. When I read it out loud, it's so beautiful.
It's very poetic. <3 Please keep writing. xD

[Elix]

Besides grammar..I LOVE this work. It's so.....dramatic. When I read it out loud, it's so beautiful.
It's very poetic. <3 Please keep writing. xD[/center]

Thank you for correcting it.
Yeah iam really bad at grammar 😂 working on it tho.

Oh thank you that means a lot to me

[Rylf]

Besides grammar..I LOVE this work. It's so.....dramatic. When I read it out loud, it's so beautiful.
It's very poetic. <3 Please keep writing. xD[/center]

Thank you for correcting it.
Yeah iam really bad at grammar 😂 working on it tho.

Oh thank you that means a lot to me

Of course! If you ever need help again, feel free to post another. :3