Free Writing Feedback!

[Rylf]

Hi, everybody!

Just as the title say, this thread will be a place where anyone can post poems and I will give you my thoughts on the content, grammar, and visual aspects of them~

I don't have a major in writing or anything fancy (WIP!) and I make plenty of mistakes myself, but I know that having a second opinion on your work can help both with that piece and with future creations~

So, here I am! Offering you my opinions and my Grammar Nazi brain. Whoot~

Edit: I'm also completely willing to edit short stories or similar content, but it may take me longer to deliver a response (so it may seem like I'm not going in order)


How does it work?

Super easy, just post your writing.

I will either PM you my response or publicly post it here (if you prefer one over the other, please note that below your writing!)

I'll start by posting a few of my poems/writings on here - I may continue to do so periodically. You're welcome to give your own feedback on them as well! :3


Thank You!


~With permission of the original writer, I'm posting a link to a poem that HeyoItsMe wrote in exchange for a pet~
http://www.chickensmoothie.com/trades/viewtrade.php?id=70384800

[Rylf]

Trading Hearts

My heart was in my own hands.
A bleeding organ, bound to hell.
Ready to be fed to Cerberus himself.
I give to you, this broken soul.
This troubled mind that took its tole.
Your hands are warm on my cold heart.
You hold it tenderly, but fall it won't.
It begins to thump an irregular rhythm.
Seeking the love it has been so long forbidden.
The beat is slow, not measured but there.
A sound that had been absent for many years.
The life being jolted back into my heart.
By your hands; so soft and gentle.
They hold me close and don't let go.
Know that is which I desire the most.
A grip that's firm, yet loving still.
The man that is you.
So sweet.
Like sugar.
But with spice.
A dash of something different.
Not pretty, but it's there.
In plain sight for any who look.
I sought and I found.
Those demons you've buried deep.
Within that strong yet fearful heart.
A trade we made.
Not of diamonds or of spades.
Nor clubs are bargained for.
We traded our hearts, forming a deal.
A fragile deed.
Easily broken.
But not painlessly.
Each becoming hopelessly attached.
Afraid the other will leave.
Even I, am wary and afraid.
Frightened that you'll move on.
Find a doll much better and smarter.
Much prettier and easier to handle.
And sometimes I wonder.
Do you think of another?
Do you wish we weren't together?
Am I holding you back from them?
All those girls that seek your love.
Would you rather accept theirs than mine?
It'd be simpler I know.
You always did say I was complicated.
Confusing and challenging too.
But I never did claim to be easy.
And this, of course, you knew..
Despite my doubt, you've chosen to stay.
And from your side, I'll never stray.
As long as I hold your heart..
And as long as you hold mine..

* * * * * * *

Adding the link here to where I originally post my poems in case anyone wants to read more and to make sure no one has the rights to steal it. Thanks~

https://www.wattpad.com/99244427-we-liv ... ing-hearts

[Rylf]

Wasted Love

There was a girl that I knew at one time;
She was sitting alone and she knew that was fine.
A barrier built around the girl's heart;
To guard her from the world's dark art.

But there was a boy who looked so tall;
Though on the inside he was oh so small.
He bullied the others, beat em till they bled;
He had been hurt from what his parent's bred.

A monster they called the boy with the anger;
A weirdo they called the girl with the hunger.
One day they met and the boy did be nice;
Then they went out, not once, but twice.

One the second date, the girl turned to him;
Told him her life and what could've been.
Expressed how she felt in his presence;
How without his love, she wouldn't exist.

The boy in his shock, ran away from the girl;
He was frightened by this new but lovely world.
He'd never felt love before and in his fear;
He left that good girl and never again drew near.

Now that girl in her hurt took her own life;
And that boy in his fear, lived on in strife.
He drank and he cursed, hating this land;
Then died one day by pills in his own hand.

Off to the afterlife these two went;
But united they were in past torment.
A love not accepted, a chance not tasted;
This is what happens when love is wasted.

* * * * * * *

Adding the link here to where I post my poems in case anyone wants to read more and to make sure no one has the rights to steal it. Thanks~

https://www.wattpad.com/122866392-we-li ... asted-love

[Rylf]

Bump

[Rylf]

Your poem should are so touching!!! I love them!!! TvT

Awe, thank you! Feel welcome to post your own if you happen to be a writer too! :33

[TheSongOfTheStars]

I like trading hearts very much, the imagery in the first few lines is great and then the switch to a more emotional standpoint is very smooth.

Would you mind giving me some feedback on this piece --> viewtopic.php?f=57&t=3338212&start=50#p114494439
Really looking to know your immediate emotional reaction to it more than any grammatical or technical stuff, but whatever you have for me is great.
If you could just post it here on the thread, that'd be great ^-^

[Crystal_Winterz]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_9WAOsWNOZWAczLLqL9zsh6o0-pHqty6FvJQdjgk83Q/edit?usp=sharing

This is a Steven Universe fan-fic that I wrote, can you give me some constructive criticism (Note: There was a word limit, so that is why it ends abruptly)

[Rylf]

I like trading hearts very much, the imagery in the first few lines is great and then the switch to a more emotional standpoint is very smooth.

Would you mind giving me some feedback on this piece --> viewtopic.php?f=57&t=3338212&start=50#p114494439
Really looking to know your immediate emotional reaction to it more than any grammatical or technical stuff, but whatever you have for me is great.
If you could just post it here on the thread, that'd be great ^-^

Thanks for the feedback! :3

I really like this, honestly. I love the way it ended, the last paragraph was pretty powerful. However, in the beginning, I was a bit confused as to what was going on. The sudden switch between her current emotion and what it had felt like when she first wore the crown threw me off. But, you cleared it up within a paragraph or two, so I suppose that's more of my subjective opinion to make changes there.

I love the analogy to sparks, fire, and smoke.

Overall, I think you portrayed her emotion quite well. Again, I love the way it ended.

I did notice some grammatical errors, but nothing major. Just be careful to watch what tense you're using (past, present, future). I noticed it switched in a couple minor spots.

I'd also like to see a bit more development of personality in the other characters. There's no indication of their relationship with Sonya besides Rusty being her love and Bella maybe being her best friend? Or maybe a mentor of some sort? But who is Shyshie to Sonya?

A typo:
"She laughed, letting her pain fade as Rusty carried her back to the nearly empty hall, were sincere smiles and concern surrounded her."
were -> where

Tense issue:
"She yanked the tiara off and let it clattered down beside her."
clattered -> clatter

Personally, I feel that the second half of this sentence is almost unnecessary and could either be reworded or taken out completely.
"She glared as if it was the cause of her emotional afflictions but really it was just another disappointment."

That's all I have at first look. cx Hope this helps some!

[Rylf]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_9WAOsWNOZWAczLLqL9zsh6o0-pHqty6FvJQdjgk83Q/edit?usp=sharing

This is a Steven Universe fan-fic that I wrote, can you give me some constructive criticism (Note: There was a word limit, so that is why it ends abruptly)

Repetitive wording (gem-maker and she):
"She then put it in the container and she closed the giant lid of the artificial gem-maker, the gem-maker turned on as soon as she closed the lid."

From this point on, her whole name should be capitalized the same as John Smith. Keep in mind that, you can shorten it to Opal the same way many would shorten it to Smith or John.
"Calcite smiled “I am glad you speak.” She told her, “Your name is... um…” Calcite paused for a moment as she thought about what the synth should be called. “Your name is.... Opal! Synthetic Opal.”"

This is a confusing sentence. Maybe reword it.
"The room was almost completely black, except for the slight etchings on the wall. The towering figure and her pearl that beamed white light down upon them, showing how they were they were the most important things on that planet."

Spelling:
"“I am guessing your here because you have successfully finished your data research?” The pearl asked."
your -> you're

Capitalize names:
"Calcite shoved blade aside. . ."
blade -> Blade

Rewording:
"Blade looked sad again as she slowly walked over to the pod, and opened the door."
Blade looked sad -> Blade's face fell (or something of the like)

Rewording/repetition:
"The other was a little thicker, and was shorter and was wearing more frilly clothing. . ."
was, and was, and was

Capital:
"There were engravings of failed experiments and Ideas for new gems."
Ideas -> ideas

Repetition (mold):
"Calcite began to quickly mix gem components. She then switched what she was doing to something more precise: pouring the gem into the mold. She took the mold that she used for the other experiments, and carefully poured the strange, vibrant goo, into the mold."

Punctuation (just add the period):
"“The door, You open it.” Calcite said in a mocking manner"

Wording/spelling:
"knowing that this would not go to well."
to -> too (or delete it)

Repetition:
"The hallway started to get more lit as they approached the lab. The lab was covered in swirls of pink, blue and yellow that seemed to radiate pure joy: Calcite despised it."
the lab. The lab -> the lab. Everything


The repetitive use of "She" at the beginning of so many sentences is a little distracting. Simple rewording should fix that.

Overall, the story was really interesting and easy for the reader to follow if they're familiar with Steven Universe.

I think that's all I have for this one! :3 Hope this was helpful~

[TheSongOfTheStars]

Thank you, really appreciate your time! Just curious though, I sent you the link to a post two pages before the piece you critiqued, just wondering how you ended up reading that one instead of the one I posted. Did you scroll through the thread or did the link send you to that other post?