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1o. 2018 goals!

Postby plantfood » Mon Jan 01, 2018 12:07 pm

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this.. is.. SNARTAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! >:Vthis.. is.. SNARTAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! >:V
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my resolutions this time around

🌿🍄✨🏵💊💝
1. just do it
    whether it be small tasks or trying to find the courage to say hello. you're not incapable, just excusatory, stubborn, and prone to second-guessing!
2. total success is not imperative
    you put way too much value into tiny things. you don't have to excel at everything, but you do have to at least make an attempt in order to grow. you can't flourish if you don't actively challenge yourself
3. find your passion
    do what makes you happy! like doodling? keep doing it! reach new heights! wanna become fluent in something? dedicate a little time to it and have fun talking to all your new acquaintances
4. ask for help.
    you have got to stop feeling guilty for needing some assistance. you're not alone and you're not being a burden. stop putting your worth at half-way and evolve into a mindset of self-prosperity. you can do well if you let yourself
5. take care of yourself
    nobody else can tinker with your problems if you won't even address them. you have recognized your flaws, but haven't worked towards solving them! cut it out with the self-loathing, you're not really doing anything wrong.
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11.

Postby plantfood » Wed Jan 03, 2018 1:39 am

meeting up with my therapist again today! I procrastinated working on a paper about my values in life. tbh I haven't even read it and am completely assuming what I need to do for it. I've had since December 12 to complete it but I thought I'd sit on it and collect my thoughts (which I didn't do)

just an example of things I'm going to work towards cutting out from my habits :^)
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12. dream journal entry uno

Postby plantfood » Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:39 am

god my dreams this time around were so weird. I'm pretty sure they're not completely separate but it's easier to break them into they're more definite scenarios

    1. most of the details from the beginning are long gone, so we'll start kinda half-way?: I was hanging out with my friend Alyssa for some kind of school function. there was a huge assembly in a big ornate court-house looking building and we had be dressed up fairly nicely. when the assembly was finished, she and I left before most of the other people. we were outside talking for a little and literally talking about alien conspiracies when 3 of [url]these "airplanes"[/url]show up mid-day. SIKE, THEY'RE UFOS AND THEY START BEAMING THE TOWN UP!

    they shoot down these big green beams of light that surround the perimeters of buildings across the street (a small business to the left and a gas station to the right). the buildings start breaking up into tiny green cubes (like the bare-bones of a computer simulation basically) and going up into the ships. Alyssa and I are of course freaked out, as is everyone else. people are running and screaming; some get caught in the tractor beams. I bolt straight down the street in-between the business building and gas station, which leads to an old brick neighborhood like the ones you see in downtown sometimes. I'm hiding between buildings and looking back at the alien wreckage for a few seconds before I decide it's ok to go back, despite there still being remnants of little green cubes and people still being disintegrated

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    2. when I return to the town, the remaining people are calmer. the assembly building is still there (at this point it's like a-whole-nother dream). I go back into the building and there's a whole bunch of people hanging out and talking. for some reason, there's an announcement made and people start ... mingling. somehow or another I tasted someone else's vom and I was super done with being there so I left in a huff.

    when I through the front door, there's like a mini high school festival going on to my right? people have stands and are trying to get me to buy stuff. I'm not interested so I head to my left where there's a bunch of showers under a big half-tube canopy (which I'm very interested in because that court building was pretty grody) on an upward incline. for some reason there's a rush of people who also all want showers so we start race-trekking up the center in search of a one. the thing is that there are specific requirements to take a shower which are indicated by the squishy blue square with foot-placement indicators and the requirement in front of your toes. a lot of the requirements stated that you had to be following someone on instagram/snapchat/youtube/etc. so of course, little ol asocial-media me was at a huge loss. I tried convincing this one girl (who was absolutely beautiful I might mention: swimmer body [w/ a one piece dark navy suit on], clear caramel skin, long black hair, big black eyes with long eyelashes. in other words, what my brain assume to be the perfect person on social media) to let me onto the shower space she had that I could actually access. she smiled and turned to me but whispered/mouthed "no"; so I went onwards.

    I didn't end up getting a shower, but as I continued, more stragglers like me had formed into a new line for a new activity. there were TONS of people in line and very excitedly listening to the announcer swooping around the crowed amongst the metal bar separators and hyping everyone up for what was about to happen. some way or another I was chosen so I climbed up to the front. I think I had become insta-friends with a few girls who'd also been chosen to participate. I don't remember the details of the instructions but we were lead into a very small ferry boat with only one door at the back with my new associates; there were a bunch of other high school students (mostly very popular looking people like male athletes). once we were all packed in like sardines, two rows of seats with a walkway in the middle of the dingy, the announcer said "farewell!", locked the tiny back door, and set us off. immediately I was kinda panicked. why the dingus did he lock the door? why wasn't there a ferryman steering the boat? so I asked what was up and a pretty boy told me, "you should be honored! blablabla you get to die with us!" or something to that effect. of course I freak out because I had no idea that's what this was all about and I try to find a way to escape. the little circle windows are no help and the front of the boat is sinking already, so for some reason I summate that I'm going to lose my eyes anyhow so I might as well try to escape by popping them out..??? as I'm losing consciousness because I TOOK MY EYEBALL OUT OF MY EYE SOCKET, I put it into a tiny eye-sized hole within the walls of the boat.

    my plan worked I guess. whilst everyone on that boat sunk, somehow there was a really cool cinematic moment where I climb out of the water and pick up my eyeball within a paper wrapper painted to look like my eye (like one of those foil-wrapped chocolate balls) on the dock. sweet

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    3. I have no idea which place this one has in the dream sequence. it may have been connected to the aliens one?:
    maybe by the centric courthouse there was like a meteor shower or just some sudden burst of flames everywhere. some paper's on my brother's shelf caught fire but I put them out pretty quickly once they were only covering on object. there was something burning in my room too but I put it out while I was waiting for Harrison's fire to die down a little. those were the only things inside the house that were on fire.

    when I went outside, a few trees were burning. I couldn't put those ones out so I just stamped on a few stumps with fire burning. a group of people from the neighborhood were coming down the street. I think they were trying to both put out fires and find someone's kid. while they were approaching I went back inside to get ready to become cool kid fire-murderer extraordinary, but I didn't go back outside? I was meaning to and my mom was talking to me about how the search party was going by. I reassured her I'd go out eventually. idk what was holding me back, but everything was dark and I couldn't see. I either woke up or had another dream section after that

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    4. this one was the final dream but I don't really wanna go into detail: there was a giant indoor-farming plant and I was petsitting a big rodent thing. it tore up the farm, it somehow escaped and left a tremendous winding trail of destruction in a clearing past some brush and fallen trees. idk how it managed to do so much in so little time. we took it back inside the indoor-hydroponics farm and swept up the mess it made while being scolded by the farm's overseer.

    somehow during this dream my dog escaped to a stranger's little house and my dad and I met a nice middle-aged lady who was very forgiving about the dog. she gave me a little piece of candy before I left. I think my dad liked her :^) he is a lonely man
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13. ughhh I can't do it

Postby plantfood » Thu Jan 04, 2018 7:34 am

tried making a new character websites for my kalons instead of just re-doing the thread on CS because I'm a fool. thinking about all the things I have to edit and move around is so painful but I want them to have pretty pages. it's just... the workload of updating all of that information and putting it into a neat-looking format is staggering and I hate ittttttttttt >:I so they'll just sit in my sta.sh and have their individual info blurbs on their own pages because I do NOT have the drive to do that buffoonery right now, maybe ever
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14. first day of school

Postby plantfood » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:29 am

and I'm already crying a couple hours after I get home
not for anything directly related to the new semester, but thinking about my dad is stressing me out a lot. we just had a falling out kind of thing and while I'm not worried about not talking to him for a while, for some reason I'm just really afraid he'll die alone or something.

at least I can look forward to hanging out with my pal tomorrow
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15. friend stuff

Postby plantfood » Sun Jan 07, 2018 1:11 pm

my hangout was fun! I ended up sleeping over at her house and being there for a full 24 hours. we played a lot of video games and watched a funny movie lmao. the ending threw me in for a loop because I was at like 47% consciousness when it happened... found out that D'Vorah is my girl when it comes to Mortal Combat. I'm really good w/ her
then we played Sims and made a disgusting alien family! their anatomy was so horrible. we were dying laughing :^P
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16. kinda sad so I turn to my goat fam

Postby plantfood » Sun Jan 07, 2018 1:38 pm

I miss my mom. my big strong eternally gentle mother who only wanted the best for me and to make me feel comfortable and happy and safe. I want her to pull me into a big hug like she always offered if I was feeling down. I know I have to let the clouds pass by and go away but I just really want her comfort right now
nobody makes me feel so protected and secure like Momma. idk what happened. wish I was still with her

I've cried more in 2018 already than any other year
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17. tinnitus ( a poem? )

Postby plantfood » Sun Jan 07, 2018 2:58 pm

ring ring ring ring ring
banana phone

ring ring ring ring ring

where'd you even come from
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18. hopes and dreams ( a poem )

Postby plantfood » Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:17 pm

my heart swells!

it's you. I know you're out there
continuing to look towards tremendous feats
no matter what you may be doing

you're out there. you're out there
somewhere
grasping towards ideals

leap amongst the stars!
they are your stepping stones

you can fulfill great and amazing tasks
I love you. I believe in you
you'll be the greatest things I've ever seen

hope to see you soon
sorry the stars fell a little short last time

we'll do better in this new world.
of this, I'm positive
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19. things that are bad:

Postby plantfood » Mon Jan 08, 2018 8:42 am

reylo
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