snart's ramble journal

[wishbone!]

Paraphrased for application to all daily facets of life:

Recognize that your emotions do control you.
Strong emotional responses are learned, so it is also possible to learn how to manage them. "Recognize the moment you have a choice whether or not to act in anger."

Change your thoughts.
There are times when you can't control your situation, but you can control how the situation affects you.

Calm down if your emotions are running high.
Disengage, close your eyes, listen to music, take a little walk, drink water, do whatever is necessary to take the edge off in a healthy way.

Be mature, accept responsibility.
Your life and the life of others is in your hands. Do not let your emotions override what is safe.

Get organized, anticipate mistakes.
Get in the right frame of mind before starting and important task. Anticipate the fact that things don't always work out smoothly and adjust your expectations. Yourself and others will not always have the skill and knowledge to function flawlessly. Recognize that the mistakes you see in others are the same that you have made in the past or could make in the future.

Plan ahead to avoid stressful situations.
By givings yourself plenty of time to accomplish your tasks, you avoid frustration. Gauge your actions in advance.

Don't take others' actions as personal attacks.
Other people won't always know your situation. If you find yourself upset with what others are doing, take a moment to step back; don't acknowledge it as a personal attack. They are unaware that something may be happening.

Every day you are tasked with sharing the world with millions of other people. Everyone has different personalities and different circumstances. Your life is mainly composed of how you react to things, and only you are in control of your decisions.

[wishbone!]

I DON'T WANT A FURSUIT YOU WANT A FURSUIT

*cries*
i jus wan... big pawbs..... n a giant toothy face.... weepe

[wishbone!]

This was a little nugget of my dream today.

We had finished shopping and were now in a kitchen antechamber (??) making vegan buffalo chicken pizza... I was distraught at the thought of being my mom who, for some reason in the blip I had, was Pink Diamond? She was clutching herself as a pink/white silhouette and there was a black circle at the center of her head. So distraught that as I was with her in the grocery store, I suddenly started crying. I audibly gasped when my thought flashed through my mind and immediately started tearing up. I turned into Steven? And my tears were very thick, like in Ghibli films. My mom was very confused and I told her I had had a bad thought, wiped my tears, and kept working on lining up the slices properly. She didn't ask me about what had happened but I feel like somehow she knew it was about her.

It also seems significant to me that also as Steven/myself (the perspective kept shifting very quickly so I can't specify either of us) had two distinctly unpleasant experiences with crashing donut objects?? One was more like a car and the other was a giant floaty in a pool. I don't know why they were so horrible but I'd go as far as to describe them as traumatic in the dream. And my mom had kinda just laughed and pushed it aside as a silly thing, which I understand and empathize with as a conscious individual now, but it really hurt when I was Steven/me.

I can't even form strong parallels between PD and my mom so I'm not sure what my brain was trying to do here, but it has me thinking whether or not my dreams could be classified as nightmares sometimes. There was lots of other weird things that happened and thinking about them is slightly unsettling? But I'm not like. rattled about them. I just think they were weird and had an atmosphere within the dream that was despair/anxiety inducing. I've kinda prided myself on not having nightmares for years but maybe I've just been overlooking them? But I haven't had any that really carried that same fear into the waking world.


I've been thinking about the SU:F finale for the past few days, maybe that's it. My boy's been havin it rough :^( Time to watch it and cry and become disillusioned with a reality that doesn't hold more Steven Universe episodes! This is the nightmare!

[wishbone!]

In fact, I hugged lots of my friends :^)

I like to be humbled by remembering social contact quite literally makes me able to be a better person. My communication skills improve, my desire to share and express affection improves, just wanting to get along improves. Being with other human beings is SO important to healthy functioning, even if you're not able to be in physical proximity to anyone right now! I'm tired so I'm not using the type of vocabulary that I want, but this was a reminder to be near people

In conclusion, I love my friends goodnight

[wishbone!]

Trying to find a suitable philosophy that aims to acknowledge the irrelevancy of everything and everyone, while still retaining firm compassion and a desire to be a driving force within my reality! My reality that happens to mesh with others. Empathy and kindness are radical and hard!!! That's why you have to practice to be a good person.

[wishbone!]

"I find myself possessed by the will of a Holy Angel gone rogue with the belief that God has made a mistake, and I alone must correct it. This is the trial by which Samael himself fell from grace. This wild, meaningless rage. A thousand blades of shining steel cast with inhuman force in the direction of a plastic grocery bag floating on a breeze."
- from a tumblr rant about Olaf
(they just really hate him and that's fine)

[wishbone!]

Wow, it's been a second since I wrote anything here.

I'm not sure how much I've changed honestly! I still like throwing around big words, I enjoy lamenting over my own discrepancies and disappointments like it's an art form, I still struggle with accountability and actually working on my problems. This isn't to say my life is an endless recourse of drudgery!!!! Problems are always there but on the whole my life is decent. I won't say I'm living the sparkling dream of self-realization and love and comfort that I can imagine, but I am learning how to more realistically see where I am now in reference to the future. I used to never be able to imagine the future. It's a skill I'm building :^)

I was having a really rough time for a while but I think I've processed most of it.
PSA don't move in with your best friend with exuberant expectations because you will find that relationship breaking down and it could very well turn out irreparable. I don't think we're coming back from this but I don't hate her. This experience has taught me at the very least to foster better communication and to not tolerate less than what I need to be healthy. Unfortunately I very much am actively tolerating it, but I'll be out soon and I have enough opportunities to get out of the house that I'm not festering as hard anymore :^)

It's so strange looking at some of the prior entries in here about her and other people. I've been chewing on this nugget of my life for a long time, but a lot of the people I've kept in my life really just aren't that important to me. This is definitely a combination of problems through bonds made through convenient circumstance, my inability to recognize my feelings, the instinct in me to endlessly engage (working on this kinda. learning how to pull away and reflect on where my energy/input/etc. is actually valuable for myself and others), parasocial relationships and their complications in general, etc. etc. I've known a lot of things for a long time but it's always so curious when they just keep getting reaffirmed throughout the years. No one really knows what's happening and the larger systems that we're surrounded by and live through are not good for fostering healthy humans.

Somewhat related note, not in therapy yet!!!! I think the last time I went was when I was 17 and having MAJOR complications in my life. Soon hopefully I can settle with some insurance and get scheduled for somewhere; I've only in the past few months really gained major financial responsibility that I have to actually maintain which is a wild ride. I'm not exactly sure what the nearby future is gonna turn out to be! So many things could go wrong! It feels very temporary even if it works out! There's so much stuff to do with so few resources! Life is expensive and very very complex for such silly reasons.

I have a fantastic close group of friends that keep me grounded. I am so lucky to have such a delightful bunch of dudes :'^) I feel inadequate a lot of the time but through them and myself I am learning how to act more like a person. I'll be excited when I'm in therapy so I can just BOOM in personal development, I know I've got it in me!! Revisiting the point about being able to actually envision the future, I can see us all being close for a long time if we keep at it :^) I have a lot of reflecting to do about a lot of stuff but this particular bubble of my life feels healthy. Hm. quick sidenote but I think my best friend has been having a bad time lately and I haven't checked in with them one-on-one in a long while. Kinda got wrapped up in my own stuff. I miss them :^( I don't want to keep letting my relationships be so heavily influenced by distance and convenience, it feels very shallow.

On the whole I've done a lot of growth that I don't know how to describe! Lots of new important experiences that help me feel like I have a foothold in the Doing of the Stuff. Not sure what to write or how to write it or in what order. I'm existing and that's enough for now. I'll try to remind myself to journal n stuff here, it is genuinely very helpful for me :^) Plus I like putting all my repetitive pompous word art here because it makes me feel TRAGIC!!!! Smell ya later, me :^) And if anyone is reading this that's pretty funky, hello you too :^D

[wishbone!]

Reading through a lot of my posts in here and still finding myself relating very heavily despite existing in different circumstances. Even though it's been a few years, have I really changed this little? Is everyone like this? I'm not even sure what drastic changes I thought I would or even could implement! I guess I don't need to. I think I'm pretty awesome as-is but I certainly have the capability to be more. More genuine, more of what I want to be without letting external forces influence me as much. I'm in control of the narrative but the pacing in this story just seems a little slow. It's ok though, I really haven't placed myself in many opportunities to have incredible outwards growth. I'm basically just saddled with honing whatever blob of Me exists in this world over and over and over.

It's subtle but I'm different. I'm better than I was, a little healthier, I think a little happier. There's always some new problem to work against even if you've dealt with similar before. Idk. I'll get there I think. The ideal version of myself is... well what do they look like? That's something I'll have to think about :^) I have physical journals that need some more attention. I always have big plans and ideals and then I forget to actually work on them. What a goober I am

[wishbone!]

When you let go of your expectations for other people, what you often believe "should be," and just accept them for what they are you affirm them wholly. It genuinely shows that your love is not conditional and is not contingent on the emotions/opinions/problems of others. Accept that things are not yours to control within the lives of others; you guide yourself and yourself alone. If you support your friends in their entirety without wishing change upon them, they will perhaps be even more inclined towards positive growth honest to their own path. Love is gained, built, and often maintained through strong mutual trust/comfort.

[wishbone!]

I was enjoying the feeling but I took it too far
whipped that door open real wide,
put off by what I saw inside

you got real loud and smiley 'cause you felt safe
but now all I want is for you to go away
your grin is so charming but damn I hate your teeth,
the muscles that attach it and whatever's beneath

don't ever look at me, your gaze makes my skin crawl
but if I decide to take a peak at you I'm gonna see it all

for better or for worse darling this is it
trapped in this place with you like a germ to spit

I love to see you have when you're havin fun and feeling free
it just don't always work out that way for me
and dear precious god, sometimes the sun shines so bright
it's gorgeous and warm but I'm goin blind

I don't believe in nothing but the universal truth
that you are me and I am you
and everything you've ever done, I'm gonna do
but puttin that much faith in your actions is me playin a fool

no one's ok and it's torture to the soul
knowin that this is it, it doesn't get better
and all we've got is an evil seed to sow

the tug and pull of trusting each other
I don't love me so how am I supposed to love another?
do I even love my momma, or my brother?
no one taught me any of this, so is it done now, can it be over?

you're not good enough, neither am I
leave me alone and have a good cry

I hope you know you're lovely, truly a treat
that makes two of us; come, sit down and eat

if I learn to like myself I'll let you know
this constant arduous struggle to grow
I'm young yet but this feels so old.