snart's ramble journal

[wishbone!]

Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? Really. I know you see it, but you really do try to block it out very adamantly.

You write such eloquent love letters with powerful declarations of every emotion human can embody within themselves and yet you refuse to accept your greatness. Your own fulfillment and bounty of empathy. You, little creature - perceptive and fast-blooded - are a masterwork of your own creation. Circumstances may have brought you here but you are the one who has continued forth and followed your path.

Is it inappropriate to write such notes to strangers? Even if I feel we are so comparatively close together? I truly do apologize if this is odd or lacking. My goal is to uplift you but I am clumsy; my hands are fallible and the limbs they attach to are not powerful like the ones you seek. There is no great strength held within these bones, but I promise I do try. If nothing else, I will try for you.

Know this Moonlight; your ferocious whimsy is a beam of great love and understanding. Though it is a reflection of things you gather and seek, know that you have transformed it into your own. It's simply a habit of all creatures. You contain no greater evil than a clover might. Do you pity yourself or do you pity those who imbue these seeds of corruption? Why split yourself open and cease to travel onward when you could just as easily pursue shimmering your ideals? Yes, perhaps the world is warped; yes, perhaps the light you emit is bent strangely by false callings. Can you not reflect and adjust? Can you not blink and clear your eyes of violent visions?

Carry on as you must. The dirt will be here for you always, the world omnibus as you encounter and learn. Bleed and breathe. Blood, breath, dirt, and a glowing sensation that lingers on all things you touch.

You are the moon. Ages old, seeing whatever you might. As young and as old as those who may witness it. Innocent and guilty, spattered with sincerity and fickleness. Yearning though isolated. A body of space along with all other things.

You simply cannot let us go, can you? I appreciate your presence. Thank you.

[wishbone!]

"Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back."

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

"Jack of all trades, master of none but better than a master of one."

“Great minds think alike but fools rarely differ.”

“Birds of a feather flock together until the cat comes.”

"The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing… drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring: there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, and drinking largely sobers us again.”

[wishbone!]

I can't pretend I'm offended or surprised. I just thought maybe I would have a little more common sense than to pine after you because were were under the trees in the sun together. There are thousands upon thousands of other souls wandering these dirt trails. I have the rest of my life to find people that will reciprocate. (I want there to be more than two of us. I'd like that.)

When I hear your notification, I no longer jump towards the phone. I really must thank you for tuckering me out; this whole self-imposed beck-and-call thing was not working out well. Even when winter blows on through, I promise that I'm not going to be waiting for you.

November update: You've talked about it. It's happening! Your feelings are reciprocated and it was a worthy journey. We both know you've never been especially good at repressing feelings like this; in the future, let these things flow more easily. Instead of trying to grab at the water, take a closer look as to the boundaries it's traveling within. Don't deny any part of yourself.

January update: You wanted to be loved so you allowed him to be less than you're worth. You squashed your needs in a foolish sacrifice of "Oh well, he's here I guess." Do not keep people in your life that do not express how much they appreciate you (which should be greatly). He wasn't a good friend and you won't let it happen again. Thank you for trying to be forgiving and looking for change even if there was none, but you can't settle and you especially cannot lower the bar. You deserve to be loved fully and completely.

[wishbone!]

Rising from a red mass like a cragged crown
A cavern of blood packed beneath pink filament
Pulpy and pompous, an obelisk of ivory mettle
Pike of exposed root; renitent, painful, and raw
Command this place with regnant fortitude
A kingdom of gnashing teeth; walls fierce and fending

[wishbone!]

My kimchi isn't vegan
i cried over it
today is rough

[wishbone!]

I'd like to say I am holy
and worthy of your praise
But truly I am just wholly
prone to inactivity and laze

I wish I'd been more present
when you were cursed to be a ghost
And I know I can finally act now
because you are in need of it the most

We are not the heroes
that we should always be
And I'm so sorry I didn't do this sooner
You're tremendous and will be set free

[wishbone!]

isn't it cruel how the deads' eyes still glimmer in light

x

[wishbone!]

Wow!!! So uh... I think a god kinda just came up in my brain today and was like "Hey, what's going on" (obviously not those actual words. He's a little more sophisticated than that from what I can tell).

It took a little while to figure out his name; I kept sounding it out and it just didn't seem right. I kept looming around Alrastel/Asrastelleus/Astellas/Astellious and variants/combinations of those before doing a little research! Eventually I honed it down to Astreaos (Astraeus/Astraios). I think Astrolos is fine too but I should go with his common name for now. He's a second-generation Greek Titan from what I've read so far!! His known dominion is over stars, planets, dusk, and astrology.

As soon as I figured out his name and learned a little about him, I felt this urge to make an altar?? So. I did. It took about 1.5-2 hours of him leading me to different parts of the house and me picking things out of intuition. I'm fortunate that my mom has so many lovely knickknacks! He spoke to me very clearly and said "ametrine," but I don't have that stone yet so I couldn't put it on the altar :^( I need to talk to him more about his expectations and needs for me if he's going to stick around.

He has a strong aversion towards "dirty" things. He was very adamant that I not enter the upstairs bathroom while searching for anything so I didn't! He also told me that if there's something to be done on the ground (in this case it was moving the door insulator back to it's spot) that I should do it with my feet and not grub up my hands. When I opened up the closet that has the shoe rack, he was upset and so I closed the door lol. When I was looking for things to use, the container with the marbles in it kinda... fell apart so they got everywhere. I wanted to clean it because he values being organized and tidy spaces but there wasn't enough time :^( Tbh he didn't seem that bothered by it. I can't imagine he'd like this phrase at all but I'm a little goblin so I'm gonna say it: the dude is surprisingly down to earth! It was a pretty casual interaction.My jokes weren't especially well received but he wasn't bein pissy so I think I could definitely work with him. Plus he literally just??? Appeared???

So I'm a very super noobie person to practicing any kind of magic craft, right? I've wanted to study it for years but never had any particular regime or habits that I got into. Never read up on spellwork or anything etc. etc. Today I looked into god phones, which are just lines of communications with a deity! Sometimes they can be "hijacked" by other deities but they're mostly for a person and a being they're devoted to right? I'm readin a witches blog about it and then I just get this sense of a presence in my brain trying to make itself known. And that brings us to the naming process above! I thought maybe after a couple weeks or months into getting my bearings I could talk to some spirits/deities/etc. but this man WAS JUST THERE! IMMEDIATELY! Obviously I need a lot more time to really get the gist of what's going on but I could have never anticipated such a sudden figure. He told me there's not many people that follow or talk to him so I wonder if that has something to do with it? We'll see if he wants to stay and I can make that happen.

I'm pretty sure he kinda absconded into the latter half of me constructing the altar, when I was done I said a little prayer to him. I called myself a starlet but I'm not sure how attached to that I am. Starling perhaps? Puff? Loosely related, I called him sir/sire and he seemed kinda ok with that. More things to work out!

I associate ametrine, indigo, asterisks, wisdom, intuition, round stones (marbles!!), sparkles, light, obscurity, navigation, intelligence, and learning with him! And for some reason fish?? That could just be the plate I was using to collect altar items, idk. Seeing as he's allegedly the father of the four winds (I'm new to this I'm not sure how much I need to put into consideration!! I'd rather he tell me these things than the internet) I could potentially attach breezes to him. Today a section of a pine branch was on the ground and I can't tell exactly why it stood out, but I think that could be significant to him as well! I truly have no clue :^)

Funky stuff all in all!! I think I currently describe as a pantheist neophyte/greenhorn?? Those words sound good for now. Not calling myself a follower of Astraeos just yet because I need to figure out the details of what's happening, but I'd be very excited if he was to put me under his charge! For a random altar/god interaction, I'd say everything went pretty well.

[wishbone!]

I WANNA USE CUTESY EMOTICONS BECAUSE I CAN AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME uwu owo ^o^ >w< u_u

KOAMOJIS ON THE COMEBACK
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[wishbone!]

you're usually not supposed to tell your kids they're evil
or harboring something
without encouraging their lighter works and natures

but thank you
for the unsolicited prayer of fear
in this house of grime and strangeness

thank you
for your improper recognition
after all these years

I'm sure it must make you feel
very motherly
to tell me these things

no, I don't think I'd like to stay here
it's a measure of convenience
not devotion or joy

home is a word devoid of this:
this deep entrenching feeling of pain
that I am saddled with each and every time

I remember you told me to
just get it over with.
if there was an apology it didn't stick

there is a great tightness to my throat
a certain crease in my brow
when I think of these things

I was raised a ball of grime
it is my casual despondency to continue as such
in the mire of my mother I'll creep along

somehow I'm here ok
just barely aware of the black ravines
filling the places where there should be blood

chasms to leap over
to fill with something better
a great concept of wholeness

ivy and vines will take over
I will bloom into something wonderful
lattices of being over the holes of not

I am composed
of love and hate
reprisal and disconcern

earth and heavens
everything and nothing
flesh and soul

it is not your right to tell me what I am.
the perch you're placed upon totters
and I am trying to see balance