Untitled ~ Is this a good start? [Morree!!]

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Untitled ~ Is this a good start? [Morree!!]

Postby Moonlitchild » Sat Dec 11, 2010 4:54 pm

I want to write a story but I need to know if it's a good start.
Here's what I have so far:

The temperature of the room dropped fast. Ice formed on the curtains and crusted thickly around the lights in the ceiling. Aurora jumped up and ran out of the room, slipping on her backpack. She felt something soft and furry leap onto her shoulder. She ran outside and slammed the door behind her. Panting, the girl turned to see the whole house get trapped in ice. She caressed the black cat on her shoulder as she watched her house shatter into pieces.
“Well this is interesting, isn’t it Onyx?” Aurora spoke calmly to her cat as a colossal dragon towered over her.

EDIT(ADDED MORE STORY)
It's body was light blue and it had piercing azure eyes. It let out a roar, revealing dozens of razor-sharp teeth. Aurora saw it's eyes lock onto her.
Without breaking eye contact, she slowly opened her backpack and slid out a long sword. She dropped her bag and Onyx jumped down from her shoulder and stood next to it. Aurora held her gleaming sword ready. The dragon turned it's gaze to the sword. Aurora swayed her sword side to side, mesmerising the dragon. It swayed it's head and watched the sword start to glow. The fire symbol engraved on the blade filled it with heat until flames sprouted from the sword.
Aurora abruptly stopped the swaying. She muttered a few words and gave to sword a flick. The flames flew from the blade and struck the dragon in the head. It reared up and roared, flapping it's wings. Aurora could see the ice building up in it's mouth.
"Back me up, Onyx." She shouted. She ran towards the dragon as it shot a stream of ice towards her. Before hitting the ground the ice separated into numerous shards. Aurora dodged them and ran behind the dragon. She ran up it's tail - using it's icy scales as ledges, and jumped onto it's back. She gripped the cold scales as the dragon dropped down on all fours and growled.It tried to shake her off but she held on furiously.
She slowly made her way up it's back. It roared and flapped it's wings. Oh no! Aurora thought.
"Onyx! You annoying little cat!" She squealed as the dragon carried her into the sky. The black cat shrank as she was taken higher. She closed her eyes. What do I do now? I can't reach it's chest from here. Hmmm.....
Her eyes snapped open and she climbed to the dragons neck. Aurora clutched her sword tightly and felt the warm it up. She held herself near the edge.
3...2...1...
She jumped off and twisted to face the dragon. She let out a powerful burst of flame. The shot hit the dragon in the chest, where it wasn't protected by scales. The dragon roared and fell towards the ground, flapping it's wings in vain. It was dying. Aurora could see the melted area in it's chest. Water dripped from it's body. Dead.
Am I dead too? Wait I'm falling! What! Oh my goshhh!!! Aurora gained control of herself in time to shout out words that will save her life.
"Onyx!! Help!"
A few metres from the ground she could see a giant black cat leap from the ground and spread it's wings. It was Onyx. Aurora landed safely on his back as Onyx hovered over the dirt. He trotted to a stop and Aurora got off his back.
"Th-thanks." She said shakily. They heard a loud crash and smelt the corpse long before the dust cleared and they could see it. Aurora turned green and looked away. Onyx shrank back to normal size and folded his wings. His wings disappeared as he looked at Aurora, worried. She laughed at his expression and declared, "I'm never going to get used to seeing dead things."
She covered her mouth and ran to a nearby tree.

EDIT 2:
"You know what?" Aurora said to Onyx as they sat on the damp ground. "I've been thinking... in all the books i've read, they always say that the ice dragon is a really calm dragon that hardly attacks anyone."
Onyx tilted his head with a questioning look on his face.
"Soo, there should be a good reason she attacked us."
Onyx nodded, then his nose twitched. The cat turned his face to the sky. Aurora followed his gaze and sighed at the dark clouds gathering above them.
"Let's get moving."

Sitting on Onyx's back, Aurora closed her eyes to the rythmic beat of his wings and the fresh smell of rain. She didn't realise how tired she was, or how long she slept. All she knew was she woke up in a bright, warm room that had the delicious smell of freshly baked bread.

will add more later. I finished writing some more of my story then got logged out because I wasn't doing anything for a long time and when I refreshed all my hard work was gone! :( Ah well more will come soon.
Woahh... That's a lot. Well anyway, please comment. Constructive critisism please.

MODS: If you think this is in the wrong place please move it.
Thankyouu :D
Last edited by Moonlitchild on Tue Jan 25, 2011 11:47 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: HELP ME!! ~ Is this a good start?

Postby Moonlitchild » Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:04 am

bump? anybody?
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Re: HELP ME!! ~ Is this a good start?

Postby King Abi » Tue Dec 14, 2010 10:23 am


The beginning was gripping, with the hole teperature dropping, and the running out the house- but if im honest, as a reader you lost me at the cat and the suddenness of the dragon towering over the house :)

but yeah- beggining bit, very dramaticaly effective and descriptive but i lost the hole sence of wow as i read on- however the plot is good, needs a little thickening as it seems as you yourself dont know whats going on, so how readers will i dont know!

if you sort thoses out (and it was an actuall book) i would buy it :)

als, i hope my comments came across as more constructive than critical :') xx
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Re: HELP ME!! ~ Is this a good start?

Postby IceDusk » Tue Dec 14, 2010 4:16 pm

I love it! Good gob! So far you are doing really good, but I think it needs to describe the girl a little bit better :P
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Re: HELP ME!! ~ Is this a good start?

Postby Moonlitchild » Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:35 pm

thanks! The description of the girl comes later.
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Re: HELP ME!! ~ Is this a good start?

Postby Moonlitchild » Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:40 pm

Abi_the_lionXP wrote:
The beginning was gripping, with the hole teperature dropping, and the running out the house- but if im honest, as a reader you lost me at the cat and the suddenness of the dragon towering over the house :)

but yeah- beggining bit, very dramaticaly effective and descriptive but i lost the hole sence of wow as i read on- however the plot is good, needs a little thickening as it seems as you yourself dont know whats going on, so how readers will i dont know!

if you sort thoses out (and it was an actuall book) i would buy it :)

als, i hope my comments came across as more constructive than critical :') xx


Later on in the chapter it shows what the dragon has to do with everything and what's up with the cat.
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Re: Untitled ~ Is this a good start? [Added more]

Postby ~hate~ » Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:48 pm

more!!!
lol
very good c-=
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Re: Untitled ~ Is this a good start? [Added more]

Postby IceDusk » Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:24 pm

I think the flames coming put of the sword ruined it..but other than that it is perfect!
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Re: Untitled ~ Is this a good start? [Added more]

Postby Nanjo » Tue Jan 04, 2011 3:41 pm

the story is great
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