░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

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░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Thu Jul 06, 2017 4:03 pm

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O  Y  A  S  U  M  I

journal for lysander
for reminders and thoughts and other notes
comments: ok! however, please no advice unless i specifically ask




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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Thu Jul 06, 2017 4:08 pm

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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Thu Jul 06, 2017 4:26 pm



      the toughest thing about being an optimistic person is when you aren't actually and giving people the benefit of the doubt is a uphill struggle. i look at a lot of people these days and think that it's so easy to be salty/negative but it takes real courage to look past those types of things — not ignore them — and see other aspects of a person or situation

      i know myself well enough to say that i can be an extremely petty, salty person, but over the years i've learned that the only person that hurts is just... me??? i know all about not being able to control your own emotions, but through a lot of effort i think i've largely managed to change the way i think about things and i do think it's led to me being happier overall

      but like, i only have so much energy and i didn't come off of 7 years of bull and a good 3-5 year depression suddenly alright with everything and hunky-dory; optimistic has always been something i had to teach myself to be

      and i mean, i was the saltiest, most pessimistic, cynical, misanthropic person on the block when i was younger. i mean, i don't exactly love people still — but i think on a case by case basis i do in fact like and enjoy people very much

      i feel pretty old when i talk to other people on cs a lot of the time — not to say i'm more mature than anyone else here (i highly doubt that's the case anyway) but it's just... i guess i'm starting to realize that i have grown in some aspects, even if i didn't notice it before. i can let go of things i wouldn't have before, i can deal with situations with a little more finesse. my feelings don't get hurt as much because after years of being overly sensitive and paranoid, i guess i eventually learned that, contrary to what my anxiety likes to tell me, people are not in fact out to get me

      www i'm sure my age is probably not even close to apparent with the way i interact and talk to others, which is fine. i don't mind. i enjoy expressing myself and being excited and i think positive energy is really something people need to learn to spread. i like being that kind of person — someone that other people enjoy being around

      still! it takes energy... and thanks to my monthly moodswing cycle i'm back in the zone of inexplicable feelings of sadness that make absolutely no sense given my current situation (i'm in the best place in my life right now?) ... but mental illness doesn't make sense, so i'm not like... surprised or anything LOL... i just have to deal with not being able to explain why my mood and energy levels drop off suddenly after a good month or so of creative high

      it's so inconvenient though. i always take on too much stuff while in manic mode and then the depressive mode comes in and i'm like, oh crap. dug myself a hole. again

      mmmmm all i really have the energy for is posting haphazardly on the forums and talking to my friends, maybe watch some anime or organize some stuff.. maybe write

      speaking of writing though! pretty happy to say i think i've finally learned some modicum of discipline in terms of writing wwwwww i think i might be able to finish nanowrimo one day after all... but first i need to develop the world of t/a so i can fall in love with it... i love glimpses of places i wish i could visit... being there vicariously through my characters... mmmm that's the biggest thing that gives me momentum aside from good character interaction and development...

      maybe i'll take care of that later though?? im tired ggghkhkhgh probably bc i had a weird dream a few nights ago and someone tried to strangle me in it and i woke up bc i couldn't breathe?? so i ended up only getting a few hours of sleep orz

      ALSO i started making music again... music is like my biggest comfort hobby that i have... it just instantly makes me feel better pfhaha... i asked my friends once if they'd rather lose their sight or hearing and they were shocked when i said i'd rather lose my sight... but like? idk, for me i just.. rely so much on music?? like... it probably saved my life??? like yeah sure life without sight would be drastically different but the idea of giving up music horrifies me to no end?? i just love music so much i can't fathom the idea of a world without music... i guess this is kind of ableist of me to talk about since plenty of people do live without music/hearing but like, i'm saying this as someone who would know what it is that i'm missing, you know??

      mmmmm okay im tired of writing this now



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    fear the old blood                              lysander   he/him   college kid
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    mod for galvanis, komos, and goblin gators!                 pls lmk if i forget to reply to something!
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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Sat Jul 08, 2017 8:56 pm



      i used to question whether or not i was bipolar but tbh now it seems utterly ridiculous that i wouldnt be hahhaha

      hey @ brain will you maybe like kick back into mania for a hot sec

      i got a new phone in other news



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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Tue Jul 11, 2017 6:27 pm



      joined artfight, it's fun! got attacked three times, did two attacks... jury duty tomorrow, dinner with boyfriend's family... game jam management... busy busy



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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:03 pm



      starting to think i should seriously consider converting to some weird nontraditional form of buddhism
      i'm cambodian so my parents already have a tradition of ancestralism + theravada buddhism but i never really considered it seriously until just now, after watching like 3 episodes of chef's table

      jeon kwan is really the inspiration and it makes me think about all those times i said i wanted to leave society and live in the woods all alone so i can be free from distractions and focus on honing my craft in various disciplines not for anyone else but only for myself

      it's a central idea to buddhism that want, envy, jealousy, and greed are the enemy of happiness and i really do think that's true. the more you compare yourself to others, the worse you'll end up feeling in the long run. i already knew this, of course, but i think only now that it struck me as a thing i could practice the way i do with other things- mindfulness, awareness... meditation. asking myself questions like -why- it matters to be the best at something. creativity is limited by envy. if you work your entire life to please other people, then you're at the whims of the world. that's not what i think happiness is, or freedom for that matter.

      the ability to move fluidly within a medium and to tune out unnecessary distractions and feelings that hamper you in your progress... limit your creativity.... god. i mean, i've never been happy comparing myself to others. sure, sometimes it spurs me to try and do better, but being better at something than someone else is such a temporary ego boost. why should that matter? i am not the worth of my skill, and my skill does not define my worth. why do i need to -be- something to feel like i'm -worth- something? everything i do in life - it should be for myself and for the betterment of myself. do not focus on anyone else - you're not living anyone else's life but yours.

      this is all pretty obvious and self-explanatory but it's really hard to actually put into practice. i'm a salty person, after all. but increasingly it's become clearer and clearer that being salty doesn't do anyone any good - especially not myself.

      god it might be naive of me but i feel like i really would be so much happier alone in the woods.



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    fear the old blood                              lysander   he/him   college kid
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    mod for galvanis, komos, and goblin gators!                 pls lmk if i forget to reply to something!
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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:25 pm



      BOY I HIGHKEY FEEL LIKE CRAP
      thanks, body



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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:41 am



      usually i ramble abt my ocs on twitter but ive recently gained a number of followers related to an event im a part of and id rather not scare them off with my useless oc tweeting so here i am listening to this song and thinking about my ocs and im so emotional i love them so much

      i thought about all my ocs but if i had to pick a favorite oc it would definitely be keith

      he's a 16 year old boy who is in love with life and he's got this kind of naive idealism about him... even so he's seen a thing or two thanks to all the aus i've put him in but at the very core he's just. he's this kid who loves the feeling of the wind in his hair and the sun on his skin and the sight of a beautiful sunset from atop a building and he's just. in these moments when he's alone he's so content and at peace with himself and the world and he needs nothing else... it makes me so emotional i don't even know WHY I'M JUST. im so hecked up i

      keith was made to capture that kind of nostalgia of youth... i mean he's a teenager but he's young by my standards HA and he's still a kid at heart anyway, always will be no matter what age he is... outside the events of various terrible aus he's. he's fine. he doesn't NEED anything in life but food, shelter, his loved ones, and a good view of the perfect sunset. he loves music so much too... loves feeling notes resonate deep in his chest ... he's the kind of person who gets lost in music, either playing or listening to it, and he just ... forgets everything around him for a while. he plays viola, so when he pulls that bow across the string it's just. that's all he needs right there. and i'm just so. i love him so much because he reminds me and embodies the happiest things in my life and for that i adore him

      im getting so emo about my own ocs ok



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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Sun Aug 06, 2017 3:42 pm



      my bf visits me every week and it occurred to me how domestic we are bc outside of eating out the #1 thing we do the most together is grocery shopping

      its been.. 6.. years... since we got together. ppl ask me for relationship advice and tbh im the worst person to come to for it bc i dont know how to get into a relationship i just know how to maintain one. ive only dated like 3 ppl in my life and that's INCLUDING my current bf....... honestly like... i hear abt younger couples having lots of drama and ive had that too in my life, but like once you hit 19+ you just stop having the energy to play dumb mind games with your partner and you learn that the trick to maintaining ANY relationship (not just romantic) is to just.............. communicate.... and be honest.... .... thats really all there is to it but it's kind of one of those things you have to learn the hard way sometimes........ lol me: flashbacks to my terrible breakup with my exgf

      idk if we were even dating at that point she never seemed to 100% confirm it so i was left in the pit of insecurity for like 6 months

      but heres a good litmus test: if ur not comfortable sharing stories abt horrible bowel movements with ur s/o within 2 yrs of dating its not going 2 last



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    mod for galvanis, komos, and goblin gators!                 pls lmk if i forget to reply to something!
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Re: ░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░   ▷ a journal for lys

Postby lysander » Sun Aug 06, 2017 9:04 pm



      oh my god my anxiety is off the charts for having nothing to worry about
      i hate ...... this............... i need to talk to my friend bc he knows how to help me chill when im like this but hes busy ggggg



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    mod for galvanis, komos, and goblin gators!                 pls lmk if i forget to reply to something!
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