『 journal 』

[betelgeuse]

this is more of a place for me to write down my thoughts than a journal, but whatever.

due to privacy issues in general, i can't keep a physical journal and my old one online kept deleting my entries. i guess i've resorted to cs.

i'll try to keep this going for my own mental health because i don't want to bother my friends with my constant venting.

for anyone who manages to stumble upon this thread, please do not post on this.
but if you want to say anything, my private messages are always open.

(intented lowercase for all of you grammar nazis)

[betelgeuse]

i have trust issues.

i'm sure many people do and at this point it really isn't that interesting or special but it hurts so much.

it hurts knowing that someone you depended on just abandoned you because they found you annoying.
it hurts knowing that someone you loved could just leave you so easily.
it hurts knowing that someone you told all your secrets to is now your greatest enemy.

it hurts when you don't know who to trust anymore.

i've had so many people in my life leave, even taking my other friends with them. there was nothing i could do, and i was too timid to try and stop them from leaving. i was never a secretive person, so of course i told them why i always acted the way i did. i told them all about my friends and my heartbreaks and everything i never told anyone else. i asked them for help. i asked them for help too many times.

so they left.

when i found a new friend, i thought i could depend on them. we told each other about our lives, and i helped them for weeks --
months even. so why didn't they even try to offer some support? they left me again, and the cycle repeated.

people say i'm too closed off from everyone, that they can't connect with me anymore. i've tried to make friends, be nice, but they all got sick of me in the end and i'm so scared of that happening.

i'm so lucky to still have a few close friends by my side even after all my venting. i'm trying to be the best friend i can possibly be, but sometimes that's just not enough for people. you guys are probably never going to read this, but thank you so much for being here for me <3

[betelgeuse]

i don't know what love is anymore.

i've had so many crushes, even though i know i have 0% chance with them. but sometimes things are different. you liked me back.

we were so similar, basically the same person born differently. i never liked anyone as much as i liked you, but i was unprepared when you said you liked me too. it should have been obvious. we talked to each other the most, we always sided with each other, it was just you and me all the time. and best of all, you supported me. heck, we flirted with each other all the time. it was too obvious.

i was crying in my room, talking to you about my best friend betrayed me. you listened; offered the help i never knew i could receive. i'm too needy. because of you, i felt better, but still sad and tired. i was always sad and tired. then you asked me a question.

"do you like me?" i was so done with everything. too tired to lie. and what would i benefit from keeping it a secret?

"i don't know anymore. i guess so..."

"don't worry, i like you too."

and at that moment, life was good. i was happy for once, not sad, not tired. it stayed that way for a couple of months.



but i messed everything up.

[betelgeuse]

time passes and goes, and as i listen intently to the ticks and tocks of my watch placed on the side-table drawer,
i realize that i'm wasting all this time staring into space and depriving myself of sleep when i could be doing something. doing anything. maybe talking to someone. because age isn't really defined by how many years you've been alive on this earth, but more on how many memories you've made.

and i want to make memories with the people i love. but i can't. i can't travel to the other side of the world to say hi when i'm a prisoner in my own life. there's nothing i can do about it, and all i can hope is that i grow up soon enough, so that i might still be someone dear to their heart when i can finally leave and see them. but that's going to take time, and time is not something you should waste.

[betelgeuse]

"why did you do that? you're not supposed to do that!"

i don't know. you do these things everyday. you want me to look up to you, but i can't. not when you're the reason i want to escape and live alone. you point out my flaws and i can't say anything back to you because i'm not old enough to stand up for myself apparently. you want me to be mature but you don't give me any opportunities to be free.

you do things that aren't always good. i do the same because you make it seem okay. but it's not okay, and you hate me for doing those things. i can't say anything. over and over again, i'm just waiting for the day i have the right to speak, so until then, i'll continue to be empty.

[betelgeuse]

you're a hypocrite.

and there's nothing i can do to fix that.