☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

Draft written in April

When I was a kid, I used to fall in love with people who read the same books as me.
When I was 13, I started falling in love with people who had pretty smiles & wide grins.
Just a few years ago, I'd fall in love with anyone who showed me signs of affection.
(spoiler alert, it never works out because I am a reckless lover)

I feel a little empty from handing out my love to the wrong people.
Perhaps if I learn how to love myself,
I'll learn how to love again.

[Gladis]

I thought I had fallen in love.
For once, I understood that I was worthy.
His passion for me made me realize that I was a lot more than this broken shell.
His affection rebuilt my confidence (That I thought was gone forever).
But eventually, they'll move on to someone better, right?
I am only temporary.

The truth is, I am not in love.
Because my insecurity overpowers my ability to fall in love.
How the hell am I supposed to love someone else when I can barely love myself?

I am not confident. I am fearful.
I do not have a lot to offer.
I am not friends with my body. All the makeup in the world cannot hide my flaws.
Personality wise I am cold & unstable. Emotional & dramatic.
My fears & insecurity drips out of me like a broken faucet.
I can't blame people for overlooking me.
I can't blame my past lovers for leaving me when they found out they could do better.
Surely everyone will find someone else that is much, much better than me.
This is a competition I cannot win.
But this isn't a competition against other people.
In the end, this is a competition against myself.
Because my doubt is what holds me back from everything.

I am no longer looking for validation through the form of temporary affection.
Because I truly cannot understand why people fall in love with me.

[Gladis]

This feeling is the perfect combination of rage, fear, & sadness.
That comes when I am disgusted by what I see in the mirror.
It is the gruesome slaughter of my happiness. My self-esteem. My existence.
It is the feeling of wanting to bury myself 6 feet underground & never coming out.
It is the constant screaming of "PEOPLE AS UGLY AS YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO EXIST"
It is the pit in my stomach when I realize "THIS is what I look like & this is the body I am stuck in."
It is the fire that burned every picture I had of me.

It is the perfect description of "flesh prison", where I realize I am trapped in this body.
This body I call hell.

The times when I felt confident & happy seemed like lies.
I had somehow tricked myself into believing that I was pretty. Lies. Illusions.
I look at everyone & wonder why I had to be different.
It is the feeling of being the odd one out.
Why I had to be... Me.

This feeling is the feeling of hopelessness.
Crying at happy social events. Canceling plans. Hiding for weeks.
Ignoring every good picture & letting the bad pictures define me.

I feel like I can never escape this feeling.
That my happiness comes from constant denial.

But I know now that this is just a mere feeling,
& not the truth.

[Gladis]

I like dramatic haircuts.
To sum it all up:
Butt length > Pixie > Long (almost to the waist) > Bob > Pixie
My main reasoning is that it is some lousy attempt to change myself.

When my hair was long, I missed how happy I was back in 2015 when I had a pixie.
I never had to tie it up or worry about stray hair.
I could only let my hair down on extremely good days.
Because my hair did not compliment my face shape lmao.

I cut my hair again because I was tired of being me. I wanted a change.
I really thought it could restore my confidence like it did for me in 2015.
The painful truth is: I can change everything about me but it wouldn't change my mindset.
But like I've always said, change happens when you give it time.
So I learned how to be patient. (Patience for change in hair length & patience for change in mindset).
I instantly regretted my sudden haircut. Because it made me feel a bit too different.
I went from being me to someone else.
It's hard to explain, but I feel extremely different from me that had long hair.
It's like the saying "you only want what you don't have" or something like that.
I would scroll through my old photos & realize how much I missed my hair.

But since I felt like a completely different person, I looked at the old me from a different perspective.
My insecurities seemed so, so small (& unreasonable).
I was so, so beautiful, but I still let a few bad pictures of me define me.
It was a time before I distanced myself from all of my friends. I didn't let my pain crack my kindness.
I was too busy with work to care about fashion, & I was happy with what I had.

Up until this February, I would cry every day & nap for 5+ hours just to avoid feeling anything (September to February were the worst for me)
I ran away from home a few times for no reason at all, & I was reasonably kicked out a few times too lmao.
There were many times I had to run to the bathroom in the middle of class just to cry.
I didn't know why, but I found it extremely hard to live life.
Countless counselor visits & therapy sessions could not change anything. I felt worthless.
I wanted to know why I felt like that, but I never got a clear answer.
I felt disgusting, & I felt as if the world was looking down upon me.
I wanted to ask my friends why they chose to be friends with someone like me.
& when J & A confessed their feelings for me, it tore me apart.
I constantly compared myself to others. & I wanted to ask, why me?? Why me? I'm so damn ugly.
One picture of me could shatter me into a million pieces.
When I got the video of the summer camp, I rewatched the video for weeks on end.
Looking back at it now, I looked totally fine. I looked bomb at some angles too (not every angle ofc)
That girl with long hair is beautiful, inside & out. Though life was tough for her, she made it in the end.
What I've realized is that I love her. & if I had another chance to relive my past as her, I'd spend more time
laughing with friends & less time doubting myself. Because I was worthy of every once of love I had received.

& that's the beautiful feeling of realization, crappily defined through my recent experiences.
((Sorry if I'm not making any sense its 1:49 rn & I felt like writing this but I don't know to words to express myself atm)

[Gladis]

”if this one doesn’t work out,
then find another.”

[Gladis]

yesterday we came back to our hotel at around 7PM. My mom immediately fell asleep while I showered. For some reason, I felt a sudden impulse to put on the lock chain on the door even though our family never bothered with it (or whatever you call it... The slidey thing). I fell asleep at around 10PM.

When I woke up, my phone indicated that it was 4AM. I saw a strange light & I got up to investigate. I found that the light was coming from the hall & the door was open. (Mind you, it was the kind of doors you have to use a hotel card to open) Luckily, I had impulsely slid on the lock chain, so the door was still KINDA locked. I immediately messaged my friends & found it hard to sleep. Who the hell opened the door when my mom and I were both sleeping?

Thank god nothing happened, but we’re zooming outta this hotel ASAP cuz that’s pretty sketchy.

[Gladis]

Be careful,
if you forget about the world,
the world will forget you too.

[Gladis]

I’ve found my happiness,
I promise I won’t lose it again!

[Gladis]

I watch the rain click against the dark green leaves.
The cover of grey cotton clouds chases away the scorching China heat.
The scent of green tea fills the room.
Inside the sacred temple, a flower blooms.

[Gladis]

i hate conflicts,
but sometimes they bring out your true feelings.