☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

Don't feed the creatures.
I'm trying to starve them till they die.
Why?
Because they are creatures with cruel intent.
I call them
insecurities.

[Gladis]

Me: ugh I hate myself
Also me: hehe I'm gonna be a memer nothing matters

[Gladis]

You inspire me.
I write pages crowded with honey sweet words when you hold my hand & tell me you love me.
I write pages stocked with bitter pain when you shut me out & criticize me for things out of my control.

Good or bad, you inspire me.
You inspired my inner child. The one that laughs at your corny jokes. The one that throws tantrums & argue
with you over petty reasons.
You inspired my inner critic for a while. The one that tells me I'll never be good enough.
You also inspired my inner warrior. The one that knows her own inner strength. The one that reminds me that
I'm better off without you.

Let's not fall in love.
I'd rather love myself.

[Gladis]

I'll find myself eventually.
I just need to give it some time.

[Gladis]

Oof life update ig???? I've been watching a lot of Jenn Im & ilikeweylie (& a few other Youtubers) a lot because they talk about a lotta things that touch up on body image issues, confidence, & negative emotions. One common trend that I see a lot is "once I got older these things didn't really matter to me anymore", which really gave me a lot of hope. It's nice to hear people who seemingly have their lives together talk about how they struggled with the same problems when they were younger. Seeing them thrive gives me a lot of hope. Like eventually I'll get my life together when I'm their age.

There's been a nice change in my mindset & attitude recently. I challenge my negative thoughts a lot. It's hard, to be honest. They've been winning & controlling me for all of my life, what power do I have against that? Sometimes, the voices in my head won't shut up. Whenever I see a pic from the past, my negative thoughts would overwhelm me. It didn't matter if the pic was good or bad, my thoughts always found a way to drag me down. No matter how much I've changed, it feels like I'm stuck in the past. Sometimes it gets so bad that it feels like my efforts to "get better" were all a waste. Life has been kinda a drag for me recently. Meltdowns & constant self-loathing wears me out after a while, & these days I find myself tired 24/7. But like I said, I'm getting better at battling my negativity. Though it's hard to believe myself at times, I refuse to let my negativity take over. Everything's been a constant battle with myself, & to be honest, it's very tiring. Sometimes I feel like my happiness is just a temporary lie I trick myself into feeling. But I'm taking big, big steps. I want to get better for the people around me, so I don't let them down. I felt so, SO hopeless one night. I had been breaking down for days & I really wanted to give up. I had a conversation through the phone with a kind stranger who was willing to listen to my problems through. Most of what I said was basically "I have everything in my life & I understand that I'm really privileged but I just don't know how to be happy & I feel awful about that." I slowly came to the realization that it was just one (?), big problem that I was facing. If I can overcome that ONE problem, everything was gonna be okay. Because everything else in my life is perfect (in my eyes). It's like a big mountain that is very tedious to climb. It's awful to climb, & I dread the fact that I HAVE to climb it no matter what. But after I get to the top, that'll be it. Everything is gonna be fine.

In the days that followed, I finally identified my insecurities & fears in a journal. I've been avoiding confrontation with myself because I was afraid of feeding my insecurities. But the first step to overcoming this is knowing what has been bringing me down. It was hard tbh, it took me 3 days to finish. Identifying them was a good step though because I was able to come up with "solutions" to them (they were more like reasons why my fears shouldn't affect me so much). For me, talking about them made me realize how unimportant it really was.

I also write about the things I'm grateful for. I have a lot, to be honest. I'm really thankful for all my friends, the ones who support me unconditionally, the ones who get together with me for lunch & dinner dates, the ones who complains about love & heartbreak with me, & the ones who are always there for me even when I lose touch with them. I'm also really thankful for my family. We've been through a lot but they try their hardest to change & they love me deeply. Talking about all of these makes me realize how nice my life is (or, has become). I remember how I used to sit alone at my new school freshmen year of high school. I also remember wishing I had nicer parents. I definitely was at my peak when I was a senior in high school. I did everything with my tight group of friends. I cracked jokes a lot in class & did a lot of stupid stuff, & I would be voted for a lot of class competitions & activities (only if they were things like "most memey"). Essentially, I became pretty well known I guess. I was at every party & social event, & so people from other schools knew me too. Obviously I wasn't perfect, & I had a lot of downfalls & conflicts with others, but I think my life was better than it was when I was a freshmen. I remember telling my group of friends how I was hella awkward & I had literally no friends at all in middle school. The responses I got from my sweet friends were shocked faces & "you're so funny & cool now, I could never imagine that."
I used to cry a lot, because I always felt like I didn't deserve all the love & support in my life. I don't know how people see me. It didn't really matter if people saw me as someone cool or if they saw me as someone awkward & weird. Because in my mind I was still that scared little middle schooler other kids always used as a laughing stock. The one who's words were brushed off by an eye roll or a rude remark (that was usually racist. Good ol' middle school days). But now that I think about it, I never got to enjoy my life because I was stuck in the past. I don't want to make the same mistake again, so by identifying what I'm grateful for, I think I'm able to let go of the past. Plus, my friend once said "I feel like everyone's a little bit awkward & ugly in middle school, so why bother?"

Weylie had said: "If you can't control something, then learn how to control the way you think about it." & it really stuck with me.
Changing the way I think is hard, but I'm still young & I am persistent. This battle with myself seems impossible to win, but change comes with time.

[Gladis]

wow never thought I'd be making an introduction at pagE 9 but it be that way sometimes. So yee let's go

- Liz. Short for Lizard & Lizardboi
- Birthday is on Aug 18. Don't forget it. I expect Gucci flip-flops as my birthday gift
- Textbook Leo ig (??)
- She/her
- Chinese-American mixed with some Mongolian (12.5% to be exact, except I just tell people I'm Chinese because I know NOTHING about Mongolia & I get awkward when people ask me about that place)
- Aspiring engineer. Pretty decent at math but sucks at everything else. (ULTIMATE WEAKNESS IS CHEMISTRY OOF)
- Talks a LOT (if you haven't figured by now)
- I'm a people person, I think I'm fairly approachable (?), & I just REALLY like knowing new people okaY
- Has a really gross hyena laugh, but still laughs at everything
- Young adult ig??? Still has the mentality of a 12-year-old bruv
- Really bad at social media. Probably takes me 2 business days to reply I APOLOGIZE.Which is ironic because I have around 75 Snapchat streaks atm & it stresses me out but I don't wanna break em aofdjdsafa
- Crocs + Clout goggles + Birks & socks = My fit????
- Contrary to the last statement Likes fashion, clothes, fashionable things. Shiny things REEEE
- Likes makeup!! & makeup looks!!! Everything makeup!!! Didn't have gross ass sharpie brows in all of 8th+9th grade for nothing!! I used to only do my makeup for events n such so my skills are lowkey kinda lacking & I'm still learning how to do eyeliner >:0
- My hair is always changing since I get bored of myself pretty easily. Pixie cut or long hair??? Bangs or no bangs??? Colored or black??? Who knows?
- Told the teacher she wanted to be a velociraptor when she was in 3rd grade. Almost got ass beat by Asian parents. Still wants to be a velociraptor
- "LMAOOOOOOOOO"
- Shamelessly has a different love interest in my life every 2 months... Gotta keep my friends on my toes ; )))
- If a murderer slams my door & appears behind me, I would literally be that person that'd ask what bills they be paying to be slamming my damn doors
- Takes mirror selfies with one leg up on the counter cuz homegirl lacks a full body mirror

[Gladis]

you know what? Screw it.
I’m happy with the body I’m born in.
I like myself.

[Gladis]

I can’t wait to be a part of something bigger

[Gladis]

Cute back then, even cuter now.
Pretty without makeup, smokin' with makeup.
Beautiful on good days, & still beautiful on those not-so-good days.
All those so-called flaws were never imperfections.
Because your existence is already so, so perfect.
So wander on, babe.

- My body has been aching for love,
& so I’ll learn how to fall in love with myself again

[Gladis]

To whoever sent that anonymous kamp postcard regarding this thread,
um, wow, where do I even begin? I ADORE you!! Honestly, that whole thing is just super sweet & inspiring I can't even exPRESS my happiness! It's really nice to hear that some of my work can be inspiring since I have a bad habit of deleting the stuff I put down on this thread cuz I feel like I'm being overdramatic at times. For a while, I wanted to stop this thread & continue writing stuff in my secret journal but amazing people like you who read my writing is what keeps me going, so thank you! & thank you for appreciating (idk if that's the word fasojdfsa) my recent works about seeing things in a different light, I'm quaking!!!

So yeah, that's all! Bless your soul & everything about you, you beautiful human! If you ever wanna talk, don't be afraid to PM me!