↪ 【 journal/random writings 】

[✦ nemuri]

ahhh......... i want to break something. my piano? sure. my hands? why not. my laptop? seems reasonable.
myself?
.. but of course

it's funny how they think they know me better than myself. they claim that everything they do is in my best interest, and sure, they might think their motives are good and kind, but they stir up these restless feelings inside of me and only make me remember the pain. it's like they're blind to how i feel
i want them to stop ordering me around and trying to structure my life like it belongs to them. i might as well be a useless porcelain doll that can move their limbs

什么样的父母亲会叫他们的孩子 "垃圾"?

[✦ nemuri]

nnnnn 我想写东西，可是我不知道我应该写什么。今天的考试还容易，但我考完以后我的心又开始痛。不。。。 我不因该说痛。我没有感觉，而且我的头脑里的想法突然没有意思了。我的心不安。
啊啊啊啊啊啊 我又在哭了！我不是给自己说我不会继续哭吗？！好烦人。。。我应该去睡。 这几天的睡眠不太好。他们说我好好学习和考试就可以，可是那样子的生活可证没意思。

我中文不太好，可是因为我刚读完魔道祖师，我感觉我应该在联系我的母语。

但是我还是想学日文和继续联系我不好得法语。我不知道我写这个的意义是什么了啊哈哈哈哈哈


我爱蓝思追和金凌和蓝景仪和魏无羡和蓝忘机
都是应为魔道祖师。故事里的人我都很喜欢。就一个薛样我不太喜欢。可怜的阿箐 😔

[✦ nemuri]

idk i'm just tired. i'm really tired of their yelling and complaining. i can't even do something i love without them harping at me to do something else for them.
i really don't understand why they had to blow up like that. so what if i don't eat dinner at the exact same time as the two of you? i'm only human, i'm busy too. i'm sick and tired of your bull crap.

on a side note, i really need to find a way to manage my emotions more. it's gotten to the point where every time they speak to me i feel frustrated. they ask the dumbest of questions and treat me like an idiotic baby, yet turn around a second later to go on about how i should be more mature and act more like my age. i do everything i should. so stop complaining, because there's no reason for you to complain.

i don't owe the two of you anything. you two may have brought me into this world, but that's all. a human with free will? what the hell does that mean? i've only ever been your puppet so the two of you could live through me because you never had a life like mine.


2019 resolution: stop using this journal for dumb rants like this bc you know that this is unhealthy lmao. actually get friends and stop being such a damn pessimist christ

[✦ nemuri]

it's okay if im still sick. it's okay if i cry my eyes out. it's okay if things don't go exactly as planned

because they're still there. i love them so much

[✦ nemuri]

i mean im still empty inside and tired of everything but finding out that the ending of bsd's second season, the ending of bad apple (the bsd movie) and the opening of tsurune was sung by the same person kinda made me happy inside. im liking luck life's music a lot so far, so i'll probably go check them out more ,,

i only wish that i knew people irl who liked hypmic/mdzs/bsd/tsurune so i can scream at them about it lmao

[✦ nemuri]

im such an idiot. i'm so stupid. this hurts
but it's definitely better like this

[✦ nemuri]

I FJRIJFOJFAPJKDJIOKCKCJIGNIJIAJPODJKGJALSKJGL;JDFKJGLDFJLAJSDIOGLAJSKDJGLK

oh my GOD i had one job and i hecked itup. why didnt i check the trades on dec1 . why did i have to wait until now to check and then find out that THEIR BIRTHDAY HAD PASSED HHHHALKDJLGJOLJDGK
god im. im such a terrible friend hhPHTPHTPJT AM I EVEN ,, THEIR FRIEND AT THIS POINT I HAVENT TALKED TO THEM IN NEARLY A YEAR UHH

[✦ nemuri]

im ggoing through one of tt hthose moments again and i dont like it. what a great way to ease into 2019.

[✦ nemuri]

我真的很累。我没有力气了。
神是真的吗？我不敢相信。
我好害怕。

[✦ nemuri]

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.

It’s hard
To exactly pinpoint, but
It starts with something like longing -
A desire, a wish, a hope
Simple fantasies of what could have been
And ideals that would make me seem like
A fool. A lunatic.
I mean, to be fair,
I do feel that way sometimes
They aren’t wrong by any means.
(It doesn’t make it any less painful, though)

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.

The feeling
descends into something
It’s called loneliness, if I recall correctly.
The silent pounding of my heart -
Seems so much louder than what it should be.
Ba dump! Ba dump! Each beat
More prominent than the last.
What could soothe this overworked heart
That seeks words of comfort but pushes away
Contact from other people?
(My heart insists on fighting with myself)

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.

It bubbles
To the surface
The feeling I now know as sadness.
There’s no one to see me suffer, but perhaps -
It’s for the better.
I don’t want to have to explain, to justify,
Why every inch of me aches for comfort.
Tears remain unshed, words unspoken
Thoughts left to remain in my memory.
It hurts! - I cry to myself;
(But it’s a silent plea that no one acknowledges)

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.

Someone approaches
And I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly
Feeling the effects of anxiety.
I’m not sure why I fear so, yet somehow -
A single look is enough to send me running.
It’s embarrassing! I want to stop
Fumbling up my words, shying away from others.
Yet I still hide within the shadows of taller people
Wondering why I couldn’t be like them.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong.
(I still think they hate me, though)

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.

And then,
Red burns through my veins
Like something akin to anger.
What set me off? Where did I go wrong?
I cannot say.
I attempt to restrain myself
But I end up lashing out
Hurting friends, hurting family, hurting myself.
I push them away, I snap at them to
Leave me alone.
(I’ve never felt more like a primal beast)

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.

Life isn’t
Indefinitely bad, though,
As happiness caresses me gently.
It comes in many forms,
Of small jokes, quips, games.
All fleeting, but impactful at the same time
And I smile in response
This feels nice, I think to myself,
Relishing in the warmth.
It’s calming, refreshing -
(I want it to last forever)

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.

I want to feel more.
I want to feel less.
I want to feel more.
I want to feel less.
A never-ending war
Between me, myself and I.
Can I control the emotions I feel?
My mind says yes, my heart no;
It’s too much and not enough
All at the same time.
(And the cycle restarts)

I feel
More than I want to
But I feel regardless.