Dystopian narrative/fiction

[atychiphobia]

So I have to write a dystopian narrative for school by Friday 2nd. I don't like writing this type of narrative as it's just something I find difficult. Anyway, here's what I've gotten so far, I've been holding myself back from getting too detailed because of MULTIPLE reasons. I am using a character that I do happen to use in roleplays because I have been using this character for a very long time now and it makes life easier c:

Any feedback/feedforward is encouraged as I feel like I can be bias on my work and also accidentally skip over things. It doesn't have a title yet and I have a few ideas, I'm also very secretive about where the plot is going to go as I am scared of judgement.

Enjoy!

I also know that my tenses are messed up, I don't know whether I will fix that or not. I've had a fair few friends and teachers read a bit and they haven't said anything about it, except for one friend.

[atychiphobia]

(Just a little thing here. I have left some parts out to apply to cs rules, but there is also a paragraph I am still unsure whether or not to add. Or to slowly introduce throughout the story. I may also come back and change/add to or take away parts of the chapter.)

Chapter 1
I hid behind the old and faded blue couch, looking across at the scared opal-like eyes which were staring back at me. "They'll stop eventually Joshua, don't worry." My brother - he was about ten - was with me, we were hiding from the feud that was currently taking place. Our house was the most rundown, rusted, filthy and broken house I have ever seen. Anyone who passed it would be surprised to know that five people still occupied it, and even more surprised to see that it was still standing despite the state it was in. Almost every other house was storeys high, with people obsessing over every perfect, aspect of it. Or at least that's what they seem like to me, I guess we're just unlucky.
"Eventually doesn't mean any time soon Sharni." It was Joshua.
Why did ten year olds have to be intent on making things difficult?
"Really? Too bad." He received little sympathy from me.
I ignored his whining now and tuned into the argument happening in front of us. My mother was arguing with our two house mates. I heard something about money, it was hard to tell with all three talking - or yelling for that instance - and slurring their words. It was rare to see them when they weren't either arguing or [......]. I heard something about betting, alcohol and cigarettes. Why'd it matter what they were arguing about anyway? Either way they were arguing. They started pushing each other around and yelling louder, now I had no idea what they were saying. I looked over to see Joshua sobbing, he tried to stop when he noticed I was looking, but it was too late.

"C'mon, lets go." And with that I squeezed my way out from behind the couch, heading towards the back door as the front was where the argument was being held.
"Sharni wait!" I heard Josh call out before running after me, wiping his eyes to clear them of the tears he had just been crying.
I was a few years older than Joshua, I think about four or five. But even so I was the only person whom he could dub 'family' because the word brother was more than just a label to me, unlike everyone else. All we were to my mother were little minions she could use to run around for her, not two living souls that she's actually responsible for. I stopped and waited for him, not moving off until he was at my side again.

I walked out the back, and towards our faded, collapsing fence. Scanning the fence in almost a robotic fashion, I spotted a part where the fence parted. Half of it going forwards and half of it going back, and a gap in between which we could climb through, saving me the trouble of lifting Joshua over the wooden doom before scaling it myself. I squeezed myself through the gap, just managing to scrape my leg, before waving Josh to do the same. He got through it easily and was at my side within seconds.
"The markets?" I looked down at him.
He just nodded and looked back up at me.

[atychiphobia]

Chapter 2
The markets were full of people, 'buzzing to life' others would say. I hated it. It was too crowded and loud, people were pushing and shoving anyone that got in their way. It was especially hard to 'tank' my way through like everyone else because of my small build. But somehow I still got around. And the crowds provided some use if I needed 'cover', so I guess it wasn't too bad.
"Sharni?" It was Joshua.
Knowing what he was asking, I just nodded. With that he jumped up a little bit before walking off into the crowd and leaving me to do my part. You see, every day we do this routine, we do it so often we named it, 'The Run'. It wasn't a complicated, or even unique. It was just, 'The Run'. Plain and simple.

I walked towards a fruit stall, staying slightly hidden in the crowd so I didn't seem like a keen buyer and the owner wouldn't try to serve me next. I stood there, ignoring the occasional bump by some ignorant stranger too rushed to care about politeness. Then - when the owner was serving an elderly lady and it seemed the crowd were looking anywhere but at me - I slipped two kiwi fruit into my sweatpants pocket, meaning to grab three but I couldn't quite get the third. Then, I just turned and walked away. I walked as fast as I could without standing out, eventually reaching the bay of people that I so dearly hate and so strongly rely on. It was funny in that way; everything I hated I still needed. Maybe that's why I hated it, I had no choice if I wanted the massive crowd in the markets or not, and I had no choice but to hide in them. I didn't have control over any of it. That's why I hate things I need.

Next, the bakers stall. I've tried stealing from there once but ended up doing 'the hundred metre sprint'. I won that race, but this time I'm hoping for things to go smoothly. I walked up to the stall, this time trying to appear as though I was buying. An employee asked for my order and I asked for a bunch of baguettes. He placed a handful on the counter and turned to grab more. For a second all eyes turned away, and in that second I slipped a baguette into my hoodies sleeve. The employee turned around and put the rest onto the counter.
"Actually.. I don't need them anymore, sorry." What a lame excuse, I could've come up with something better, a lot better.
The worker gave me a sly look before putting them back, a handful by handful as he'd done before. Me though? I just turned and walked away, beaming inside at my success.

.

I sat with Joshua in our 'meet up spot', which to be frank, was only an old alleyway. I pulled out the kiwi fruit out my pockets and the baguette out my sleeve, waiting for him to show me his 'haul'. You see, we're quite competitive over this. I had taught him to steal and pickpocket so he takes pride in getting more stuff than me. But, I like to believe that I allow him to win.
Smirking at me, Joshua held out his handful of 'stolen treasures'.
"Good job, I think I see a wallet, watch, phone and bunch of coins." Maybe he was getting good at this, better then me. But of course, I'm not gonna let him know that.
"Don't forget the bracelet. It's gold." If I had to guess which was his favourite, this 'golden' bracelet would win by miles.
"Let me look." So he passed me his favoured piece, grinning like some idiot.
"Joshua.." I said as soon as the 'jewellery' was in my hands, laughing at idiocy, "its plastic."

[KaleidoscopicBird]

Love it.
But you're missing some key words.
"You see, every day we do this routine, we do it so often we named it."
As opposed to,
"You see, every day we do this routine, and we do it so often that we named it, 'The Run.'"
It appears that English isn't your first language - or at least it does to me. Was English, in fact, your first tongue?

[atychiphobia]

Yes XD
Yeah it's my first language. I haven't actually been taught too much about word placing (or something) come to think of it. Spelling - yeah, and somewhat grammar. And I also haven't written a piece like this in a LONG time, role playing yeah but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll fix it up in a bit, rearrange some stuff.
Thanks.

Edit;; now that I think if it, I did a role play on here that really developed my writing and style. The person I was mainly replying to didn't have English as their native tongue. I think my style and wording is very similar to theirs...

[atychiphobia]

Chapter 3
I slammed the door to our bedroom shut, rubbing my head to try and relieve it from the headache I managed to gain. Joshua was already on his bed - or should I say mattress - eating his kiwi fruit. I sat on my mattress and started peeling the skin off of my kiwi fruit.
"I think we almost have enough money to get some food from Din." Din Tai Fung - or Din as we called it - was the Chinese restaurant, we can't steal from it too easy so whenever we do 'The Run' Joshua goes and pickpockets for money. Then we save it up and buy some Chinese, always making sure to get a fortune cookie.
"Really?!" Joshua yelled excitedly, he still had half a kiwi fruit in his mouth.
"Yes you grot!" I laughed and threw my kiwi peel at him, then my pillow.
Before I knew it we had attacked each other with our pillows and there was half a kiwi fruit on the wall, but now I had him in a headlock and was messing with his dirty, brown hair.
"Sharniiii..." I guess I had had him in a headlock for a while. I let go and we sat back down on our mattresses again.

I picked up the baguette, snapping it in half and throwing some to him.
"I might go." I simply said. There was little to no emotion in the three words, and I had said them surprisingly fast and quietly.
"What do you mean?" Joshua asked, he had no idea what I was saying.
"Leave, disappear."
"You mean run away?" The look on his face was a look I will never forget, despite our 'lifestyle' Joshua was alway happy. I guess this day was the first time I had actually seen him sad. I've seen him cry plenty of times, but this was different. These weren't the same tears he'd cry if there was an argument like this morning. These were worse, and I felt the same way.
"Yeah." I mumbled. I wanted to scream no, to stop breaking the one person who I cared about to pieces. But I couldn't stay any longer.
"No, why?!" Tears were already streaking his face.
"I just can't. I hate it here. Everyone's always arguing and I constantly get a headache. No one give us anything, that's why we steal stuff Joshua! The only thing that's good about this place is this mattress, and it's almost falling to pieces!" I didn't mean to yell at him, I didn't mean to leave out how much I'll miss him, I didn't mean to hurt him this badly.
"Please don't go. Not yet." He looked straight at me, "promise that you'll wait a bit longer, pleasssse."
I look at him. I didn't want to make a promise I couldn't keep, but to say 'no' would be just as bad. So I nodded, still unsure whether to promise Joshua this was a mistake or not.

.

The stars were piercing through the night sky, creating a beautiful backdrop for the bright full moon. I turned away from our bedroom window. Joshua was asleep, the same as the other three people occupying the house. I knew what decision I was making, and what effect it would have. I made a promise but not one I'm going to keep. I walked out of our room, trying not to think about Joshua waking up to find I've left him. Heading towards the dining table I picked up a cigarette lighter, that'd be all I needed; I could steal the rest. Then I pushed open the front door and walked out, looking over my shoulder only once before walking away.

[Ranger of the North]

'Ey I really like this! c:

I can give a bit of constructive criticism if you want? Idk what you're wanting cx

But I like it! I hope she brings Joshua with her...

[atychiphobia]

'Ey I really like this! c:

I can give a bit of constructive criticism if you want? Idk what you're wanting cx

But I like it! I hope she brings Joshua with her...

thanks
Yeah constructive or just telling me what you like. I haven't had a chance to do much more just yet but hopefully I will tomorrow. I'm planning for it to get interesting soon...

[atychiphobia]

(This chapter is still incomplete and I am yet to fully check through it)

Chapter 4
Waking up I had no idea where I was. I know that after I left the house I found an old abandoned school to stay in for however long the night remained, but I wasn't in the same spot, or in the same building at all. I sat up to observe my surroundings. I was on a bed that might as well be in a dump. The bed was in the middle of a room, but the walls were cracking and falling to pieces and there was no roof, only a few remainders of it still clung to the top of the building. I stood up, this place looked like it had been dumped and left to rot a long, long time ago. I pushed the door of the room open, there was a kitchen and dining room that was in just as bad of a state as the bedroom. Where am I? Something wasn't right, something definitely wasn't right.

Outside appeared to be a city, an abandoned city. Some buildings had crumbled to the ground and the road was full of potholes.