Prolouge; Criticism Wanted!

[*Hollystar*]

This is the prolouge to a story that I have not named or finished yet, I'm looking for some constructive criticism to decide whether or not to continue with it.

The wind blew the leaves in frantic little circles, we ran as fast as her little legs could carry her. She held tight onto my hand, I could feel her shivering in the autumn mist. I can't cry, not now. I need to be strong for her.
"Mommy, I'm cold." She whispers. I stop and kneel in front of her.
"I know baby." My eyes water. "We're almost there."
"I don't want to go!" Her eyes spill over and she flings herself into my arms. "Mommy I want to stay with you!" I can't look her in the eye.
"I know," I kiss her on the forehead and brush her long silky tresses behind her ear. "You'll be happy with them." I can't hold back my tears much longer, I look up and blink them away.
"I won't!" She cries, "Mommy I just want to be with you." I give her a big hug and she sobs into my shoulder.
If only I knew. I would never have lead her to that door. I held her one last time as those awful people took her. If I had known, I would have never let go.

[*Hollystar*]

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[*Hollystar*]

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[peachy keen-]

first of all, don't let anyone but yourself decide whether to continue with a story or not. if you constantly aim to please everyone, or write for anyone but yourself, you're not going to have much success.

that being said, this is good. :) here are my edits. i'm not a professional editor ( not even an amateur one ), so take it with a grain of salt. ^^



The wind blew the leaves in frantic little circles, we ran as fast as her little legs could carry her. She held tight onto my hand, I could feel her shivering in the autumn mist. I can't cry, not now. I need to be strong for her.


i'd suggest either changing the wording so that you don't need to use semicolons ( i.e: We ran as fast as her little legs could carry her as the wind blew the leaves in frantic little circles. I could feel her shivering in the autumn mist. ). or, if you'd prefer keeping it how it is, separate a few of these sentences using semicolons ( i.e: The wind blew the leaves in frantic little circles; we ran as fast as her little legs could carry her. She held tight onto my hand; I could feel her shivering in the autumn mist. )
in case you don't know, semicolons are used when a sentence could be split into two, but if it was, would look choppy. ^^

you switched tenses. the first two sentences are in past tense, and the last two are in present.
seeing as most of the rest of the prologue is in present tense, stick to that. so it would be: The wind blows the leaves in frantic little circles, we run as fast as her little legs can carry her. She holds tight onto my hand, I can feel her shivering in the autumn mist.



"I know baby." My eyes water. "We're almost there."


there's supposed to be a comma after 'know' ( "I know, baby." )



"I don't want to go!" Her eyes spill over and she flings herself into my arms. "Mommy I want to stay with you!" I can't look her in the eye.


there's supposed to be a comma after 'mommy' ( "Mommy, I want to stay with you!" )



"I know," I kiss her on the forehead and brush her long silky tresses behind her ear. "You'll be happy with them." I can't hold back my tears much longer, I look up and blink them away.


there's supposed to be a period after 'know' ( "I know." I kiss her... ). if your not typing a way that she is saying what she said, then there should be a period.