dear x:
we became so close this summer. i really wish we could spend more time together! don't tell anyone the stuff i told you when i thought i was gonna die on the roller coaster, ok? gosh. i wish i didn't have to stay in that car with the girls who take so many pictures of themselves, ha ha. i really like your hair though. i wish you liked it too. i never thought you'd be the one who i stayed with. no offense. you just seem so close to that other girl.. i sound jealous. i'm lucky someone so cool stayed with me! that was great. i just wish i fell asleep as easily as you. maybe if i wasn't so excited, i'd be able to sleep. i feel really lucky that you stayed behind with me when everyone else went swimming. we just stayed together and watched old kids' shows. i know most people wanted to stay out and have 'fun' but that was fun too! i really feel at home with you. ...maybe i overshared a bit? no. you seem really trustworthy. we'll be friends for a very long time! i know it. alright..
xoxo
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dear x:
today was our first day of high school. oh, man, was i nervous. but you were with me! haha, and yes, that's the guy. he's really nice, even though he really seems like a jerk. he's just trying to be cool. in reality, he's a huge nerd. trust me on that one. i... told you even more than i did back in may. i'm sorry. i really need to curb that. good thing you don't mind my gender and stuff, ha ha. i'm really glad you were with me. you sat with me at lunch and i brought someone else over to our table. i didn't mean to make you awkward. but you get along well with everyone. you're polite and you're a genuinely good person. i really think..
...nevermind. it was nothing. just some more extraneous compliments... i'm sure you get them all the time.
xoxo
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dear x:
ahh, i heard about that dance coming up! only a month into school and here we are. gosh. you got me to ask him. i wish you were going too. i'd feel so much more confident. you really bring the best out in me. i really am sorry for shoving you onto this mental pedestal. i just... it feels like we're becoming so close and i can barely contain my joy! i've been too shy to talk to you since middle school. i've actually been kicking myself for not talking to you earlier. i'm glad you got that jewelry you wanted. i can't believe your parents let you! i'm not complaining. it looks lovely. i can't stop thinking about going to those little shops with you back in may. it was bittersweet, wasn't it? considering we were leaving the next day? remember that picture we all looked bad in? i'm keeping it, ha ha. gosh.. i just wish... a lot of things.
xoxo
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dear x:
the dance was cancelled, which is pretty lame. i got clothes and everything. i was so happy because the guy said yes. i bet he knows i like him because of how you shoved me into him and snickered. you're mean.. ha ha, i'm kidding. there'll be more dances one day, though. and i know. our math teacher has noooo neck. ha ha. you really are a funny girl, x. i'm just befuddled as to how no one's tried to become your friend or anything. maybe they're just blinded by your light like i was in middle school. i remember how we were sitting outside at the picnic table, and i told you something i read off of tumblr. you laughed and i started talking to you in class. we were school buddies. until may. that's when we became really close friends, and on graduation from middle school, we stuck together and i got a few glares from how loud i clapped for you. we hugged. even though you didn't really like hugs. i.. really like being your friend.
xoxo
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dear x:
i can't stop crying. why didn't he say anything? is it a rumor? i'm so confused. i'm so thankful you told me though. thank you. gosh... this september sure has been a roller coaster. i didn't know he was dating someone! even though he said he'd dance with me. i'm so tired... oh. this letter is much too short. thank you for letting me lean on you though. literally and metaphorically..
xoxo
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dear x:
oh, what a DAY yesterday had been. ha ha, high school really is tiring. i'm so glad i'm toughing it with you. i can't believe everyone thinks i'm dating her. first of all, no. second of all, i don't know who that is. i only have her in two classes and we don't even glance at each other. gosh. i really almost started crying, but then you told me not to worry and that everything would be fine, and i believed you so much. and you were right! no one asked about it, and it was squished today. i'm so glad i have you in first period. if there was anyone in the school i'd want to see first thing in the morning, it'd be you. gosh. i really do.. care about you. it's strange. i really don't feel stressed or pressured around you. you just put me at ease. if only you and i had more time together. but i understand that you have other friends. better friends. i understand... i just worry that you're going to leave me...
...ignore that last sentence. i'm joking.
xoxo
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dear x:
how about that rain today? i can't believe we still had P.E. out there! good thing they made us go inside. i love the smell of rain, though, so it wasn't all that bad.. you know, i'm sorry your best friend was out... but i'm here! i know you missed her. i don't mind that you texted her on the bus sometimes. you can't always be with me. i try to understand, but... i'm just a bit lonely. i'm sorry. i'm also sorry for apologizing so often, ha ha. i think i'm going to stop biting my nails. you seemed upset when i showed you my bandages from biting them too low. it is quite a pain. i have to change them and it feels odd to take the bandages off. oh well. it was nice being on the bus and talking with you. you seemed cold. i.. could've given you my jacket, you know. ..gah. i'm sorry.
xoxo
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dear x:
i know you were probably busy last week but.. i mean, i was really sick. i guess it's okay because you did text me back- oh! maybe it was because you knew that i have that dislike of IM systems and such? thoughtful of you. ahaha, for a second i thought you didn't care. thanks. ...
not much to say as i'm drained today.
xoxo
--
dear x:
this is a rumor, right? you're not with him. i know you're not. oh god. oh my god. that's why you've been so distant. i hope you know i threw up because of you. no, no, no NO. that can't be true. but... it is, isn't it? i hate you. you liar. you backstabbing, dirty liar. i hate you with all of my cold, clammy heart. god. you never wanted me anyway.
i thought you were all good. turns out, you were all bad. i guess even the devil was an angel once. i can't believe you. you're throwing me away, just like the others. i hate, hate, hate, hate you.
i hope you get thrown away one day too.
xoxo
--
dear x:
it's december now and i still can't get you out of my head. i still feel the need to sit with you. to lean on you and whine outside at dismissal. now i'm seeing the past with rose colored lenses. i don't feel so delirious though - i see that it was a rise and fall. i see that throughout the school year, i just liked you more and you just grew more distant. and then you realized it was really gone and now you...
are you hurting? i guess not. you laugh and smile and look so alive with the guy i cared for so deeply.
how does it feel to set someone all the way back to square one? after i told you about the other girl. you know, tell him he made my day. i'm making the decision. i'm leaving this ghost town as soon as possible.
when you see me in january, i'll be a new me.
xoxo
--
dear x:
it's gone now. the anger is all gone. you knocked the wind out of me. yes, tell everyone that. splatter my rep with mud and your own self hate. you're sick. sicker than me. you lied. or maybe that was your little boyfriend. god, i'm a moron. to trust you with everything... i h... i... i can't bring myself to hate you. you can't fathom what you've done to me.
you didn't only lie about me. you lied to me. 'oh, see my new piercing'? it was FAKE. i found that out real quick. you weren't prevented from calling me, you just didn't want to. you just didn't want to try. you know that was the first time i've tried in five years? thanks for setting me back...
xoxo
--
dear x:
february had absolutely nothing noteworthy. i see you still love to stare at me, here in march. all alone because your friends left you. all you have is your jerk of a boyfriend. i'm glad you took that bullet for me. you unknowingly saved me from hurt. i heard what he did to you. you're still with him. none of my dang business. that's what i'd like to say.
but he can hurt you and you better get out while you can.
...
why do i still care, you may ask? ha. ask yourself that, too, dear.
xoxo
--
..
dear x:
it is the first of april and i have not gotten over you. i actually still cry over things i remember so vividly. i can't listen to certain songs without feeling my heart pound and my appetite shrivel. i actually am at my wit's end, shaking in trepidation at the thought of having you forget me. yet i pray that you do try to start over with me. i am weak. weak and dysfunctional, i fear abandonment and claw at any semblance of reciprocated emotion. you seem to miss me and i can't get over you. i will overcome my weak will and my overflowing eagerness to share all my secrets and self-induced issues with you if you ever come back. i will treat you with my usual wariness that i have forced myself to implement. it gives me a mad headache, but i will try my best to be aloof and indifferent.
that's the best that you can hope for. as far as i'm concerned, you have to build from the ground up, perhaps lower, as you have really screwed up this time. i suppose you've served your time. he's dumped you, yet will talk to you simply to p' me off. silly boy, doesn't know that i don't care anymore. your best friend is distant. your *real* friend has been scorned and is no longer inclined to speak to you. you are alone, and i am no longer in that position.
this is the farthest i will write of you. just know that you're the biggest contradiction to ever afflict me.
you're my favorite headache, the most repulsive yet intriguing issue to befall me to this day.
congratulations, you've surpassed the last one to leave their knife resting in between my shoulder blades.
xoxo.
