an idea // feedback welcomed

[kait-bryanne]

Take a look at the Bram family. What do you see? Perfection. The family that everyone wants to be. Mr. and Mrs. Bram have everything. The money, the big house, the beautiful children. That is everything you see from the outside. But what takes place inside is what nobody sees or hears. The blood, the fights, the tears. That is all part of the Bram family too. But you wouldn't know that from just looking. Because what may look beautiful on the outside, can mean death on the inside.

- this is my first time posting in this thread. i've always loved writing and have always been hesitant to share it online. for reasons like negative feedback, but also i was afraid people would steal my work. but i've also learned that in order to be a talented writer, you have to deal with the hate. so yeah with that being said hi i'm new to this writing thread. this is just an idea of a story i came up with a while ago and never really went anywhere with. all feedback is appreciated and yeah please don't steal my work xd -

[kait-bryanne]

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[zoloft]

It's wonderful!
All I would suggest is a bit of vocabulary change.
I've edited it a bit to what I think would sound better, but please don't feel obligated to change your work if you don't like my opinion.

Take a Look at the Bram's family. What is it that you see? Perfection. It's the family that everyone wants to be. Mr. and Mrs. Bram have everything. The money, the big house, the beautiful children. That's what you see from the outside. But What takes place inside is what you don't see. The Blood, the fights, the tears. That's all part of the Bram family too. But you couldn't see that from just looking. Because what may look beautiful on the outside, can mean death on the inside.

So the final result would be

"Look at the Bram's family. What is it that you see? Perfection. It's the family that everyone wants to be. Mr. and Mrs. Bram have everything. The money, the big house, the beautiful children. That's what you see from the outside. What takes place inside is what you don't see. Blood, fights, tears. That's all part of the Bram family too. But you couldn't see that from just looking. Because what may look beautiful on the outside, can mean death on the inside."

[kait-bryanne]

@broken blue

thank you c: i will for sure take hat into consideration. my teachers tell me that a lot too ;-; i tend to use the same words repeatedly

[zoloft]

No problem! I'm glad if I can help in anyway.
And yeah, a lot of people have that struggle, it's fairly difficult!

[kait-bryanne]

any more opinions? ;-; want to know if i should continue this