﴾Sᴇssʜᴏᴍᴀʀᴜ-sᴀᴍᴀ﴿ wrote:Can I get thoughts on this? Not finished yet.
Sesshomaru noticed that the light streaming through the trees was beginning to redden, signifying that the day was drawing to a close. His golden gaze settled on the slumbering child next to him, a small smile gracing his lips. Extending a hand, he gently drew the back of his claws across her face before shaking her shoulder. "Rin, wake up. It is time to return to the village."
"Ok," the child muttered, rubbing her eyes sleepily. Feeling something wrap around her waist, she giggled and latched onto Sesshomaru's fur as he jumped skyward. An instant later they were on solid ground, a few villagers hastily backing away at the sight of the tall demon. Cheerfully waving as he disappeared, Rin followed Kaede to the hut they shared, unaware of the dangers lurking in the forest.----------------
"Lord Sesshomaru! Please, help me!"
At Rin's strident scream, the demon quickly ran in the village's direction, smelling fire and a group of humans. The scene that greeted him as he exited the trees made a savage snarl rip from his chest, yoki spiking in his rage. Held in the grasp of a raggedly clothed man was the young child, her fists beating against his chest. A number of huts were ablaze, bathing the entire area in an eerie glow. Uttering a deafening roar that brought the remaining villagers into view, Sesshomaru pinned the human clutching Rin with a glare. "Let her go, now!"
[Maybe add something here before Rin speaks? It's somewhat confusing when it shifts from Sesshomaru to Rin to the Leader.]
"You killed my family! I recognize you thieves! My entire home was slaughtered because of you!"
"And what are you gonna do about it, runt?" the leader hissed, shifting his grip so he was holding her by the neck. Hand slowly moving toward his sword, his fingers had just clasped the hilt when a bolt of agony coursed up his arm, followed by the ting of metal hitting the ground. Blood dripping from the deep gash in his wrist, the human used Rin as a shield just before Sesshomaru charged. The ensuing impact was hard enough to send him several yards back, the child crying out as the unyielding spikes of the demon's armor pierced her skin. [I spell it armour so it makes me wanna correct it haha cx]
Flashing his fangs in a warning [a warning to what?], Sesshomaru approached Rin cautiously, nose wrinkling at the scent of fresh blood. Satisfied she would recover, he rounded on a nearby villager. "Get her to a safe distance." Watching him nod frantically and gather the whimpering child into his arms, the demon once again faced the group of thieves. "So, you are the vermin who destroyed that girl's attitude toward humans." His yoki flared around him, tendrils of pink energy licking against his skin as his features morphed. In merely a few seconds he towered above the village, acid frothing at his maw. Baying wildly, the demon proceeded to crush the scattering humans beneath his paws, sadistic pleasure gleaming in his crimson eyes. Aware that the last man was trying to flee for the trees, Sesshomaru surged toward him, reverting back to his human form before he slammed into the thief. Lowering his head, he whispered in his trapped victim's ear. "Demons need to eat, just like humans."
Rin looked up when a warbling scream rent the air, her gaze drawn to where Sesshomaru was bent over a weakly struggling man. When he jerked his head harshly to the side, she was unable to glance away as the demon swallowed something, though she was smart enough to hazard a guess. It suddenly dawned on the child that, during her time traveling with him, he could have turned on her. Hearing the villager beside her inhale sharply, Rin saw that he was approaching, silver hair stained red. Before her[he ;^)] could kneel in front of her, the child jumped to her feet with her hands held up to ward him off. "Just leave me alone!"
"Rin! Come back, it is not safe in the woods!"
You wanted critique gg.
I'm not the best at it but shrug here lmao.
If there are any mistakes I'll use red to point them out, and possibly write alternative sentences below[which will be marked with red stars in the original]
I like it. The layout of the story is going well so far.
I like how you gave Sesshomaru more of a caring personality towards Rin, and a savage one towards those who dared to test his patience by attacking her.
All in all, though, I think it's a very well written story- though I'm not a professional writer so i certainly can't give a professional answer ;p
I actually meant to post my thoughts on it yesterday, but then I became a lil cramped on commissions, so I had to get started on those. You reminded me though haha.
Inuyasha was actually hte first anime I watched. It will forever hold a place in my heart.
Also, Inuyasha and Koga? Best. Fights. Ever.
I'm not the best at it but shrug here lmao.
If there are any mistakes I'll use red to point them out, and possibly write alternative sentences below[which will be marked with red stars in the original]
I like it. The layout of the story is going well so far.
I like how you gave Sesshomaru more of a caring personality towards Rin, and a savage one towards those who dared to test his patience by attacking her.
All in all, though, I think it's a very well written story- though I'm not a professional writer so i certainly can't give a professional answer ;p
I actually meant to post my thoughts on it yesterday, but then I became a lil cramped on commissions, so I had to get started on those. You reminded me though haha.
Inuyasha was actually hte first anime I watched. It will forever hold a place in my heart.
Also, Inuyasha and Koga? Best. Fights. Ever.
^^
