Untitled|open for posting|

[Lycancore]

You forgot to do [/list] at the end.

Didn't the elves have some place to live? Couldn't the humans take over the elves places, especially since ti didn't seem the elves cared.
Does Ryan remember his sister?

Love these questions actually. And the plot is great so far! As for a title, the first thing I do sometimes is think of a word that makes you think of the main characters name, and add a word that encompasses a theme from the story. You might want to hit up a Thesaurus to find more interesting or complicated words. For example, search some synonyms for Flying and Romance. You'll be surprised!

[WolvesOfFire]

Thanks! I know, W.oH B.oH does bone up with amazing questions^^ I believe I might go with your suggestion for titles as well^^

[W.oH.oB.o]

That's why he was looking for a list, he wanted to know if his sister had died, escaped like him, or if she was still on A2 c:

"escaped like him," but didn't he say he never went to A2 in the first place?

"So how did you get off A2?" She asked.

"Why should I tell you that?" He asked, staring up ahead as though something interested him.

"Well, I'm tied up so I can't exactly go and turn you in," Ari reasoned.

"I guess so. I never went to A2 in the first place." Ignoring the look of shock on Ari's face, he continued. "You checked every house and every cave, and everywhere someone could possibly be, but I guess you didn't consider where I was."

[katomorakwarrior]

So, Ari is, uh, overly confident I noticed. 'Cause she really does need training.
Aside from that, W.oH.o... etc does a very good job of asking some of the questions I had.
But I do have some critiques; I hope you don't mind. It depends on your purpose for the story. If you're thinking professionally, I'd try to slow it down a bit and explain a little more as you go.
Stories don't start directly with the excitement; they start with the compulsion -- the forces behind whatever actions take place. Who is Ari? Who is Ryan?
Now, Ryan's just the 'boy-that's-got-to-be-there-cause-we-all-love-him' type character so if you're considering editing at any point, you don't necessarily have to have a chapter about him. But, if you really want to make this better, I'd seriously recommend giving Ari room to breath. I don't know her. Before someone gets kidnapped, I like to know them.
Is she a teenager? Is she married? Is she an old hag? I mean, the vast majority of readers will assume she's a teenager or young woman, but those sort of things should be explained inconspicuously by the author, not assumed by the reader.
You can spend time with her soon. I mean, you have a few chapters for her to recall her past life or something on that order if you don't feel like editing what you've got. That would nearly do the same thing.
Also, she has close connections with the commander. Why? Some background on her relationship with different people would be nice.
And the commander. Is a Commander or is he a Captain? Or is there some reason why he's called both?
Some of the information you should explain sort of need their own chapter to reduce confusion.
Other than that, you have a plot line that could be guided into directions that hold interest. Keep going and good luck.

[W.oH.oB.o]

The summary, in the beginning of the first post, says that Ari is 18.

[katomorakwarrior]

Thank you. One problem solved (due to my terrible reading abilities.)

[WolvesOfFire]

That's why he was looking for a list, he wanted to know if his sister had died, escaped like him, or if she was still on A2 c:

"escaped like him," but didn't he say he never went to A2 in the first place?

[/quote]
That's kinda what I meant by 'escaped like him' like he sorta escaped from the elves when they were searching

[W.oH.oB.o]

Oh okay. The wording was confusing

[WolvesOfFire]

So, Ari is, uh, overly confident I noticed. 'Cause she really does need training.
Aside from that, W.oH.o... etc does a very good job of asking some of the questions I had.
But I do have some critiques; I hope you don't mind. It depends on your purpose for the story. If you're thinking professionally, I'd try to slow it down a bit and explain a little more as you go.
Stories don't start directly with the excitement; they start with the compulsion -- the forces behind whatever actions take place. Who is Ari? Who is Ryan?
Now, Ryan's just the 'boy-that's-got-to-be-there-cause-we-all-love-him' type character so if you're considering editing at any point, you don't necessarily have to have a chapter about him. But, if you really want to make this better, I'd seriously recommend giving Ari room to breath. I don't know her. Before someone gets kidnapped, I like to know them.
Is she a teenager? Is she married? Is she an old hag? I mean, the vast majority of readers will assume she's a teenager or young woman, but those sort of things should be explained inconspicuously by the author, not assumed by the reader.
You can spend time with her soon. I mean, you have a few chapters for her to recall her past life or something on that order if you don't feel like editing what you've got. That would nearly do the same thing.
Also, she has close connections with the commander. Why? Some background on her relationship with different people would be nice.
And the commander. Is a Commander or is he a Captain? Or is there some reason why he's called both?
Some of the information you should explain sort of need their own chapter to reduce confusion.
Other than that, you have a plot line that could be guided into directions that hold interest. Keep going and good luck.

Thank you for your input^^ I realize I've got a lot of improving to do, and this is more something I impulsively jotted down as soon as it came to me. If it gets popular enough I'll probably rewrite it

((And yes, Ari is way too confident^^ that I had planned from the beginning))

[W.oH.oB.o]

Some stories are meant to be mysterious, with stuff yKato mentioned explained as needed. Even if it's not on purpose, the right stories can pull it off. You don't have to explain everything ... sometimes it's good to let the imagination of the reader take off, but again, only in the right stories. I kinda like how it is, despite all my questions. I dunno, this is only my opinion.