My Blatant Honesty. Miscellaneous Writing. No Posting.

[cat&bear]

A Step Towards Adventuring:
a personal guide for ideas to get to where I want to go, and where

Step One: get one of the jobs I've been applying for.

When earning money: decide how much money goes where (ex: 50%- college/savings, 30% adventures, 20% gas/spending)
-for adventures: create several secure jars/ containers that are intensely sealed- each for a different adventure.
-cash tips can go directly into an adventure jar.

My Potential List of Jars:
-Italy
-Rio De Janeiro
-Oxford/ London
-Thailand
-Japan
-France
-Vietnam
-Back Packing fund
-tattoos

[cat&bear]

A New Kind of Leap

The sunrise wakes me up with the crisp air flowing through my window, the sound of wind, and briefly quiet streets. One suitcase. A job and an empty apartment already for me in a new state 20 hours of driving time away. A jar full of saved up money from a job I just left.... -One suitcase. One suitcase to pack what I need. My laptop, my favorite scarf my favorite shirts, my favorite jeans. In goes the teddy bear the love of my life gave me when we were sixteen. In go the irreplaceable books- who's stories I can't leave behind. My camera makes a place in the case as does a single set of silverware and a camping bowl and an old mug or two, and a small box for commonly worn jewelry, finally- add another stuffed animal or two. All that gets to go in the car is the suitcase, the saved money, my phone, chargers, a pillow and a blanket, and a memory box- a box of old things, childhood toys or books or drawings (you don't let go or where you came from entirely). Then I go, and I drive, leaving everything behind. Start over. Go to good wills to get the basics, start your new job, change things to be exactly how you want them to be. Mostly new clothes, new city, fresh and clean. Trusting yourself to start a fresh and make it so you can be happier.

[cat&bear]

All I Want: Stream of Consciousness

It's bizarre how everything changes when you're really and truly in love. Your priorities change and you realize that a lot of things you are willing to compromise when it comes to being with that specific person. He is my number one priority and being with him became more important than my initial plans of where I want to live and go to college. I still want to live there and he already said that that's where we'll go, but I realized that if he said he didn't want to live there and there was a better place for him that I could also be happy- I'd happily go. I have my dreams about being an architect and being a dancer, but now I dream even more about being is wife one day and living with him. Those are the dreams that feel more concrete. I could change my mind about career and location and interests, but I don't believe that I'll ever change my mind about him. I will still have my own life and identity in our relationship, I will have a career and work and have friends and hobbies and passions, but I can't imagine not having him in my life.

[cat&bear]

What I Wanted to Say Out Loud

While you're walking through the halls between classes acting all high and mighty, like you're the hottest thing on the strip- just remember there's a real word to there and it doesn't know your name, and frankly it won't give a damn until you give it a reason to, and honey, you're a ways away from that point. I don't think I'm superior, I consider us equals, I'm just sick and tired of you acting like you're queen of everything.

[cat&bear]

Visual Dreams (Shorts)

Backpacking in the forest and mountains

One back pack and that all you need, life in the wild for a few days just for that sense of escape and adventure that I am always desiring. Old Hiking shoes still with dirt from the last adventure, baggy outdoor pants, and my yellow raincoat, and lots of layers ready to go. I like being on my feet and exploring and using my muscles. It's one of the best feelings in the world for me. Pitch the tent while it's still light out, make a fire and wait for the sun to set, and cook food from your pack to refuel from the day. Have you ever had camp food? It's not the best quality, but after a day of hiking- it's the best feeling ever: having hot food that you made. Look up and see more stars at once than you've ever seen, go to bed once it's dark, staying up late while camping isn't that late after all because of man made lights- we forget how early is actually gets dark, and is unlikely to happen unless you have a good big camp fire and friends. Mornings while camping are one of the best times, the light wakes you up naturally and its brisk outside, you make a morning fire and a hot breakfast and hot chocolate. Cleaning up and packing can feel meditative and the light is beautiful. Maybe I'm just a morning person, but I have a thing for the dawn.

Life One Day

I can see myself actually being happy with home life one day. Cleaning my house- if I love the house I live in (just bing honest). Making breakfast in the morning.. I'd go back to my bed and claw up next to him and whisper, "Breakfast is ready" because I know I'll almost always be awake before him and it's something sweet I've always dreamed to doing for him. I would have house plants and paint in the afternoons and read in front of the big windows. We'll have goldfish and a dog or two, I'll probably have a leopard gecko or a bird, or some other odd pet I've always wanted. We'll play video games and cook for each other. I'll learn how to make candy and how to bake bread. I'll keep learning new things and get obsessive about new ideas like I do, and I'll keep making dolls and creatures. I'll keep dreaming of new places and keep jars for adventure money. I'll backpack and write and make my life what I want it to be. One day I want to keep a youtube channel that will be all over the place. School to animation, projects to traveling and things I make, occasional updates, some personal life, cooking, plants, letters to others, tattoos, random life things. A personal documentary.

[cat&bear]

Things That Make Me Happy

•Him
•Rain
•Puppies howling
•Feeling at home
•Adventuring
•Getting sucked into a book
•Babies/ little kids
•Plants
•Dancing
•Good architecture
•My favorite clothes
•Dolls and toy monsters
•A warm bed
•Daydreaming. Lots and lots of daydreaming.

If you have a similar problem to me, constant discontentment with your life and wanting to escape, I spend probably too much time thinking about what I do want my life to be. I use Pinterest because I'm a visual person, and I look and escape into images of things that spark my day dreams. Things that are absolutely beautiful and resonate with me on one level or another. I've been able to kind of fabricate what I want my future to hold and escape into it. I don't know if this is healthy for me to be doing because I'm obsessive, but it's given me something to work towards, and look forward to.

[cat&bear]

Daydreaming Again

•boutonnieres
•tents with clear tops
•light flowers
•rain and grass
•the smell of trees and rain and food
•candles
•cacti and succulents
•stamped forks
•sweets
•smiles and laughter
•tables and tablecloths
•little hanging lights
•games and good music
•hugs and forehead kisses and hand kisses
•wishes and promises and photographs
•pressed together, holding on to each other dances
•old stories and living the daydreams

One day I'll be older and have crows feet on the sides of my eyes, I'll blame you, and then I'll smile and thank you.

[cat&bear]

So things have changed. You're in your last year of high school and I have successfully gotten my GED early and am starting my first college semester next week. I have a job now. I got my drivers license and a car. We don't see each other everyday. But you know? I am happier than I thought I'd be. I am relieved to not be in high school, I am excited to start my college classes, and the time I get with you means so much every time, even if it's several days in a row. I love you so much, and we haven't changed despite our situation.

I'm only hurting because I can't dance almost at all this semester- one class, once a week... and you have 4 dance classes... I'm doing my best not to let that bother me, but it does. I was dancing 20 hours a week last semester, and now I'm down to two. Ouch. I really need to look into getting more classes, but that's tough when I work in the evenings.

So this is the last year. We talked about and want to go somewhere together after this year, but we haven't really.... talked about it further than that. I don't think you were just blowing air talking about it, but if you want this like i do... we need to start thinking about it more. It's a few months still before we need to get serious about it, but I don't want to wait until it has to be serious discussion. You know... starting college early, I've had so many people ask me about my plans, and I've had to kinda have a cover story- where I want to live and what university I want to go to, and I respond truthfully... but I feel a little stressed because I don't feel certain. I'll choose being with you over what city I want to live in. But I've had to make slight plans along the way anyways... and I need you to start talking to me about this. I'm high school you get the luxury of saying you don't know where you're going yet, that you're just taking a gap year, but you don't know where. I... I can't quite do that. This is real, and we can't ignore it much longer.

[cat&bear]

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