THAT'S ME -screams Caillou-

[Arabianwolflove]

• ••• - • - •••• •

i know your mother wasn't very motherly to you
but i really need you to be motherly to me

i want a mom
im not too sure what you are anymore
but you aren't a mom

i want a mom
that's all i really want
all i really want is someone to hold me after a bad dream while i cry
someone to tuck me in at night and scare my inner monsters away

i want a mom

i want a mom.

• ••• - • - •••• •

[Arabianwolflove]

• ••• - • - •••• •

so um,,
hello
welcome back to hell


damn
i don't know
i don't know anything honestly
i don't know who you are, who i am
im not sure if you exist, and i doubt that i do
my life is frayed

i never expected life to be perfect
or anything even remotely near it
but i don't think i ever expected life to be like this

i don't have a mother, i have finally come to terms with this
at least as much as i can
and no im not actually dramatic , though my 'mother' still lives
i purely don't have a mother
i have a woman that lives in the same house as i
a woman who is married to my father
a woman who is a mother to my younger brother
i have a woman that is related to me but has nothing to do with me


im going insane
and im utterly afraid

im struggling with myself
every minute is a battle
im no longer aware of what is keeping me alive

ive become so lost
ive seen my thoughts drift from simple joy to things of death
ive become afraid of myself

i no longer trust myself
im afraid of being left alone
im not going to last long

the depression is coming
its comes in unrelenting waves until it succeeds in drowning me
one day im afraid i will never surface

dissociation is killing me
im so damn lost inside
i hope to come out alive but honestly the chances of it are decreasing every second

"apply direct pressure to the wound"

the scars have started appearing once more
i don't want them
they remind me of my weakness and my failures
they remind me of how sorry i am to be breathing
-
i think my family has just become use to it
a few red lines here, there
a couple of misplaces blades

i don't try to stop this anymore
i know i cant
but it doesn't mean i don't want to

• ••• - • - •••• •

[Arabianwolflove]

• ••• - • - •••• •

what happened? honestly
i remember being tucked into bed after reading our pray stories
i remember...

i guess its just that
i don't remember a time when i felt i was a mistake
a burden
a trouble

even when you took care of me when i got sick i remember you having that sliver of annoyance
i remember being at your mother's and feeling like a blockade
i remember the times you became cold
and distant

i remember that when i was a tiny child you would let me play baby doctor with you

that's probably it honestly
i was a reminder of a struggle
a symbol of disappointment
a burden that played on your nerves without knowing

i remember i had a dream so bad once that i refused to sleep and so we played dolls even though you hated me

i remember when you told me to stop calling you
told me i was an embarrassment
told me i was pathetic
told me to stop being a baby
told me to get over it
told me to grow up

what happened?
im sorry

• ••• - • - •••• •