Just sharing.

[|Hype|]

Hello Friends!
Something I often do in my free time is write. Recently I have been working on a novel and I have written a lot of little pieces and parts for it. I will be posting a few of the little paragraphs here. None of them fit together very much yet. They are all just random pieces.


You know that feeling, when all of your hopes and dreams get shattered. When you can feel everything falling apart, and you try to pick up the pieces but theres too many to catch. That feeling when you know nothing is going to end right. When you know, someone is going to get hurt in the end. Thats what always happens, right? Nothing ever ends the way it does in the movies. But it takes that heart breaking, dream shattering moment for you to realize it. You realize it when its too late. And you end up broken. The broken pieces you tried to catch are scattered around you. Maybe it will work out for the others. And you will be their biggest supporters. But you always knew, deep down inside, that you would not get your happy ending.
I could feel us all splitting apart. I could see our bonds breaking. But we would all still be together. This wasn't the end for us.


Once you know how it feels to be in love, you will never forget it. Love is an emotion. It's something thats felt. And it cant be explained. Its the way my stomach has butterflies and my heart skips a beat everytime I see him, or think about him. You will know when you love someone. You will realize it all at once, and at first it will confuse you, or make you feel afraid. Then you become curious and interested. And thats when you realize that its true. Thats when you will understand the feeling of being in love.
But for me, it was too late. I fell in love with him, and now hes gone.


And just like that, I was instantly sent back to the place I was before. He was constantly on my mind. Everytime my phone buzzed I felt giddy to reveal the message from him. I liked being in this place. I was free to enjoy life while someone admired me for being me.


I looked over at my nightstand. The beautifully designed vase containing the once, vibrant and proud red roses, sat in the center. Those roses once made me smile, with just a simple glance at their beauty. They took away my fear, worries, and doubts. They made me feel proud. They made me feel like I could walk around showing them off, saying that my amazing, super sweet, boyfriend that I love more than anything, got them for me. If I did that now, I would be lying. Now, those once beautiful flowers are drooping, dull, dark, falling apart, dieing. Its too late to save the flowers. They died with the relationship. But I wouldn’t dare throw them away. They mean too much to me. It would hurt to throw them away. So they remain sitting there, continuing to grow darker and weaker.


He was just one boy. I cared so much about him. I know he didn't treat me right and I know that I am better off without him. I know that I'm going to be happier now. But I can't help but miss him. He was able to make me dress differently, he was able to make me hate, and stop talking to the people that mean the most to me. He changed the way I ate and the way I felt about myself. He had me under a spell and I didn’t even know it. Everyone knew except me. I didn’t realize how controlling he was until the very end. And then I found out that all of my fears, all of the things that scared me about him, the he constantly denied, they were all true. Everyone constantly warned me about him. But I was so naive.

[|Hype|]

I looked around at the new found room full of wadded up tissues covered in makeup and full of dried tears. Piles of towels were scattered around from times when I cried so hard that I vomited. He made me feel so horrible. I had put up with it for too long. But its over now. I am free to be myself, make my own choices, do what I want to do without the fear of someone getting mad at me for it. There were no more tears for me to cry, no more sorrys to be said. It was all spent on the long week leading up to the breakup. And when it finally happened, it was almost a relief. It hurt at first, then made me mad, then I felt accomplished. I grabbed the trashbag and walked around picking up all the trash, most of which he was the cause for. Once the room was mostly clear, I gathered his Shirts, hoodies, pictures of him that he gave me, letters and poems he's written for me, I wouldn’t dare read them now. And then I got to the frail black flowers. A month ago, I was laying in my bed, holding back my tears staring at those flowers. I watched them slowly die away. But even though they were dead, I didn't have the heart to throw them away. I still had a spark of hope left in me. The spark of hope is gone, but its now been replaced with the feeling of freedom. I pulled the dead flowers out of the vase one by one and dropped them into the bag.


As I walked down the hall, I kept looking forward, searching, wishing that he would be turning around the corner just like he always used to, with a smile on his face to greet me. But as I got closer to the end of the hall, realization grew stronger and stronger, that that would never happen again.


It didn't hurt, knowing that there was no going back to how it was. It hurt at first, knowing that we were so close, than losing it all again. But I got over it. But still part of me was upset. Not because we weren’t going to be getting back together, but because he moved on, and I still havent. I do genuinely want the best for him, and I'm happy that hes happy. I am happy for him. I just wish I could be happy too. And I will be. Deleting the messages was a start. Its smooth sailing from there. In just a few days, we will be on a break from school and I will get time for just my friends and family. And when we come back, it will be a new semester which means that the grades restart and the classes will all be changed. I wont have to see him anymore after tomorrow. Its a fresh start.


I became just another one of those annoying, insecure teenage girls that rely and depend on guys for their happiness. My mind has trained itself to believe that I am happiest with a guy, and that when I am not in a relationship I am bored, worthless, unimportant, sad. When really the only thing that is different about it, is that I no longer have another person that I need to care for. My body has trained itself to miss and ache for a single hug from a guy I once knew. I have become obsessed with even just the thought of someone loving me and caring about me the way I am supposed to love and care about myself. I have trained myself to believe that I am not ok without someone else.

[|Hype|]

He was a very suave guy. He walked with his head high, shoulders back, and was still the most approachable guy you would every come across. He greeted every stranger with a friendly smile, and then would talk to them like hes known them his whole life. He walks around with secrets, yet appears to be an open book. You wouldn’t believe the [censored] hes been through, mostly because he seems like hes never seen pain. His mind, always cluttered with dark thoughts, would make him seem like the most intelligent, bright kid. Hes always up to something, causing mischief, yet you can always trust him. Hes a sweet, down to earth guy, but knows your weaknesses, sees your flaws, and will push you away. Yet still greets you with the most accepting, warm, open-heart. He was a confident guy. He had life figured out and could trick people into doing whatever he wanted.


What is love?
Love is that feeling I got when you winked at me, and my heart got so excited that it jumped out of my chest. Its that feeling I get every time you simply smile at me. Love is when you care about someone so much, that you would do anything to keep them in your life. Love is when you are willing to make compromises, and agree to things you don’t want to do. Its when you would do anything you possibly could to make that person happy.
But sometimes, I think that people don't know the difference between love and lust.


Its hard to be upset about something when you knew the whole time that it was going to end the way it did. We weren’t good together. We are too different, it was too soon. I could make so many excuses. But I didn’t need to, because i wasn’t upset. This was no surprise. It had been creeping up since we first started talking.


That night, thoughts of him flooded my mind. I thought I had him out of my life, for good. But as usual, there he was, stuck on my mind like its his home. Im not sure how to feel about everything that happened tonight. It was exactly how it used to be, except more comfortable. Before, it felt more passionate, this time was just more intimate. As I was laying there, I desperately wished that I could talk to him. I just wanted to know how he felt. But of course, this same process wwill just keep repeating.