by apathy, » Sun Nov 08, 2015 12:25 pm
June Twenty Third, Two Thousand and Fourteen
------There’s a lot going through my mind. There are at least a million and two thoughts fading in and out with every passing second. It gets rather overwhelming sometimes, to the point where a headache just bangs and bangs and bangs. I sleep to escape those headaches; those thoughts. I think I sleep more than strictly necessary; I sleep whenever I get the chance and I sleep even when I’m not tired. Although, the bags under my eyes would suggest that I don’t get enough sleep. I wake up restless and irritated, temperamental and on edge. Then, if I deem myself to still be tired, I go back to sleep.
------I think I’ve been so happy lately because I’ve been pushing all my problems to the back of my mind. My mom dragged me to a therapy session yesterday; the therapist was talking about boundaries and asking me the types of questions I didn’t have the answers to. I was fiddling with the basket in front of me, picking at the rich brown wood and being OCD I kept trying to make loose ends fit together. It got to the point where the therapist startled me out of my thoughts and gave me some play-dough. I was content for less than ten minutes. In the end, I left more scarred and broken than I wanted to be, old wounds slowly peeled open once more; my perfect reality was shattered with the reminder of some of my past pain. The pain from two people I cared deeply about leaving, the memories flooding in despite how much force I was pushing back with. I was trying not to drown; it seemed unavoidable at this point.
------The therapist told me to write. So here I am, writing once again and hoping I don’t fade away like I usually do. I really think there’s only one person who understands the pain I go through. We both are very close; we both are hiding behind our insecurities with bright dazzling smiles and false hope lingering in our eyes.
------The future scares me.
------It scares me enough to the point where I don’t even know if I want a future.
A Lifetime of April: Day Seventy Six
------“Ow!”
------A piercing scream echoed throughout the small classroom. Everyone’s laughter soon began to fill the silence, pointing, clapping, cackling. It was magnificent and Mylo was basking in the glory. April was crying at this point, her hands in her hair as she ran away from the group of rowdy kids. Mylo sat down with his friends, retelling the event that had just taken place a moment ago.
------“Mylo!” He knew that voice – he knew it like the back of his hand – whatever that meant. He slowly turned towards the voice, an angry Mrs. Gavin stood at the other end of the room, her hand clutching April’s like a lifeline. “Come here!”
------Oh, she was mad. This is the maddest he has ever seen her – including that time he captured some worms and put them in her coffee one morning.
------He slinked over anyways, his chin to his chest as he stood in front of her. His hands were clasped tightly behind his back.
------“Tattle-tail! Tattle-tail! Tattle-tail!” The other kids chanted behind him, he felt tears pricking in his eyes when he finally looked up at Mrs. G. He was scared, oh-so scared, and he was ashamed, and he was mad at April for telling on him. He hated her.
------“Why did you pull April’s hair?”
------“Because he likes her!” One of the girls giggled behind him.
------“Ew!” The boys groaned in exaggeration.
------His face lit up like a flare, turning a bright crimson red. The thoughts of him ever hating her; vanished.
------Mrs. G continued to stare down at him, although she cracked when he refused to talk. She knelt down to his level, gripping his shoulders and staring into his eyes. “April, will you give us a minute?”
------“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! Johnny told me to pull her hair!” The dam broke; tears trekked their way down his face, making his cheeks turn puffy to match his already red face.
------“But, you went along with it.” Her voice became a soothing whisper. She continued to tell him how wrong it was to do such a thing, and then proceeded to ask: if Johnny told you to jump off a cliff, would you? He shook his head no. She hugged him and told him to calm him down, and then had him go sit at his desk and finish his drawing of his favorite animal. After another round of duck, duck, goose! she told everyone to go back to their tables. April was across the room, facing him. Her tear stained face made him glance away.
------A pang of guiltiness lingered on throughout the day.
November Fifth, Two Thousand and Fifteen
------I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want you; or want someone else. My constant flirting and dopey charm won you over quickly. I had you wrapped around my finger, to add to all the others, within, my god, only days. I would like to think I was prepared, but then again, was I really?
------I love the chase. I love working up to gradually getting someone’s full attention. But, I have to admit, the hardest part is watching them lose interest. Or I lose interest, which usually happens more often than not. The moment I realize they like me, I flee. I’m a flight risk. If I feel the slightest bit of commitment I’m out of their life faster than they fell into mine.
------I don’t kiss because I feel as if it’s too much of a ‘seal the deal’ type thing. A kiss to me: means I’m yours. I’m not yours. I never will be yours. I’m my own until I find that one person who is worth all my own. Let me tell you a secret: that person usually isn’t in love with me, as I am with them. So, the chase continues and I let myself fall.
A Muck Among Us: Prologue
------She has a petite figure, a curvy body and if you look close enough you can see her ribs. She is rather thin, but not alarmingly so. When she lays down her tummy sinks in and you can see her hip bones and just how skinny she is. I like how she has a bit of fat around her tummy, her thighs touch and she has chipmunk cheeks. She has these big, pale blue eyes that look like they have seen everything beautiful in the world, everything the world is meant to be. They never show anything except wonder and curiosity. It’s what I love most about her. The way she can be disappointed in no one, and be sad with nothing. I also love the way she talks. She has these plump, bright pink lips. They’re always closed because she is always watching, she never does the talking. Her hair is brown, a light brown that gets darker in the winter and lighter in the summer. I like it most during the spring because she picks flowers and puts them in her hair. It’s incredibly cliché, but she's the girl you read about in books. With her long hair, she likes it when you play with it; braid it and brush it. She likes it when you play with her fingers too, and when you give her quiet attention. When you whisper sweet nothings in her ear, she likes that. And I like to do that for her. She deserves anything she wants, and I will do that for her. I’ll give her everything I have; and I have a lot to lose for this girl.
Swim: Part One
------The moment the buzzer sounds is the moment a swimmer tunes into the water. Their heads become clear and their body releases.
Begin Route: Kilo Kish
------OUT HERE TRYING TO FIND. IT’S LIKE THAT ONE SPACE THAT YOU CAN’T GET TO. YOU’RE GOING IN ONE DIRECTION AND ITS LIKE YOU JUST END UP STOPPING AND STARTING, BACKPEDALING AND SHEET. IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS AND THERE’S THIS MOMENT WHERE YOU LOOK UP AND YOU’RE LIKE: “I GOT IT.” WHERE YOU PLANT YOUR FEET INTO THE GROUND AND YOU SAY “I’M OKAY. I’M OKAY HERE. I’M OKAY. I DON’T KNOW, I JUST WANT WHERE YOU CAN HEAR YOURSELF BREATHE. ALONE OR NOT ALONE. AND EVERYTHING’S OKAY. I JUST WANT TO BE HERE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT.”
