MODS PLEASE LOCK~ I am rewriting

[Small Child]

No problem! I'll be keeping an eye out for more!

[Iselka]

k thanks

[Solar Flare]

Interesting start!
Do your best to avoid using parentheses, though. Where you said “Relax”, the shadow said changing it’s form again and then stepping into the light (it was a man clothed in a red robe with golden embroidery), it could have been, "Relax," the shadow said. He briskly changed his form, then stepped into the light, the golden embroidery glinting off of his red robes. (Just an example.)
Also, there were many missing question marks and commas, while where some periods should have been, there were commas. If you want a character to shout a question, write ?!, rather than !!.
Also, when R'am is warning Chin Tao, the phrasing could have been more like, 'If you tell anyone else, you and the receiver will be killed', as opposed to saying it like he hadn't, even though he just did.
One last thing- instead of writing "Your name sounds like Taomoan," (Which I thought was an insult until I read further), it should be "Your name sounds Taomoanian/Taomoanese or however that would be stated.
When you write dialogue, try to remind the reader of who is speaking, that way they don't get lost. As for thought, try using something different from speech- I myself use italics to represent thought.
You also said that R'am wasn't that close with her sister, but then said that she was shocked and angry at the storyteller for not having said anything. I'm not really clear on this much...

[Iselka]

Interesting start!
Do your best to avoid using parentheses, though. Where you said “Relax”, the shadow said changing it’s form again and then stepping into the light (it was a man clothed in a red robe with golden embroidery), it could have been, "Relax," the shadow said. He briskly changed his form, then stepped into the light, the golden embroidery glinting off of his red robes. (Just an example.)
Also, there were many missing question marks and commas, while where some periods should have been, there were commas. If you want a character to shout a question, write ?!, rather than !!.
Also, when R'am is warning Chin Tao, the phrasing could have been more like, 'If you tell anyone else, you and the receiver will be killed', as opposed to saying it like he hadn't, even though he just did.
One last thing- instead of writing "Your name sounds like Taomoan," (Which I thought was an insult until I read further), it should be "Your name sounds Taomoanian/Taomoanese or however that would be stated.

First of all thank you for the critique. Second of all the only thing I have to say in contrast is that Taomoan (T-AY-oe-moe-un) is the term for the people of Taomo (T-AY-oe-moe).

[Iselka]

Chapter 3

Ra’m woke the next morning, got dressed and went downstairs.

“Good morning,” she said with a disdainful tone.

“What is the matter?” Hochiesa asked.

Ra’m stayed silent hoping he wouldn’t continue.

“Fine don’t say anything why should I care?”

Ra’m was afraid of him she had spent her life loathing were-foxes and yet here was one protecting her. A few days ago she would of screamed and ran but now… she didn’t know what to do. Here was her turkey on a silver platter and she was too afraid to shoot it.
The rest of the day she ignored him and did her normal routine. She went to town and shopped for food and traded items she found and or made until she found a beautiful florally engraved bow

“How much”, she asked the old lady.

“For what,” the old lady replied curious.

“This bow, this beautiful bow.”

“Oh, well it depends.”

“Depends on what?”

“Whether or not you know how to use one.”

“Oh… well I’m afraid I don’t know how to use it… yet.”

“Then the bow and training is free.”

“Wel... wait, whoa, what, training?”

“Yes, my son will train you.”

“I...I can’t.”

“What? You have something better to do.”

“Well… not really.”

“Then you start tomorrow at dawn...I suggest you start walking towards the mountains. East then west then follow the path of light. That will lead you to a cave. Follow it in as far as you can. Knock three times on the wall to your right and say,” at this time the woman came closer to Ra’m’s face and whispered, “Light the corridor Johnson, let me in.”

The old lady gave Ra’m the bow and some arrows then sent her on her way.
Ra’m spent an hour getting ready then left her house unaware that Hochiesa was following her in fox form. It took her till sundown to reach the mountain.

“Now to find the path of light”, Ra’m thought looking through the brush.

“Ahh… Ra’m sneaking away I thought you were better than that”, Hochiesa said to Ra’m slyly.

“Go away”, Ra’m replied unperturbed by his tone.

“So you can run away again, I don’t think so.”

“I wasn’t running away I just…”

“Followed some old hags advice and got a bow for free.”

“First of all she’s not an old hag. Second, how did you know?”

Ra’m was terrified even though he hadn’t guessed the real reason she had left.

“Oh, so you want to do it that way do you. Well two can play at that game. First, yes she is. Second, and you should know this, I followed you,” he replied flustrated.

“Shut up,” she said starting to hate him now.

Disregarding the previous command he continued to speak, “So do you know where the path of light is exactly?”

“No and do not think I am a fool for following the “old hags” directions because so far they have been straight forward and… oh here it is, I think”, she said as her eyes set upon a beautiful wooden path laced in glowing earth, like stars upon the sky.

“Sure looks like a path of light… judging by the radiance and such”, Hochiesa told her.

“You zip it”, Ra’m said angrily, “I’m still frustrated.”

“Oh… I can tell.”

“QUIET.”

They then walked on following the path silently for hours, until they finally came upon the cave, but something was wrong. It started as a loud clanging of metal then the blowing of a war horn.

“What was that?” Ra’m asked scared.

“That was a Dwarf horn”, Hochiesa replied seemingly unperturbed by the sound.

“What’s a Dwarf?”

“Just about the hardest to kill, most prideful and gullible race in the nine lands.”

“Oh, so not friendly.”

“No, not at all. Get behind the rock.”

She did what he asked without question, him close behind. Once they settled they started to hear footsteps coming up the hill. Hochiesa peered from behind the rock to see what was happening. What he saw was not encouraging, two hundred foot soldiers, one hundred on the back of Rhino’s.

“Ok, that’s very bad”, Hochiesa said coming down startled.

“Why?” Ra’m replied about to look.

Hochiesa pulled her down and told her, “Because they’re preparing for war.”

“Oh.”

“We have to get into that cave without them noticing… any ideas?”

“We could throw a stick taking their attention for enough time to get us into the cave.”

“Great idea, if we were in a book.”

“You have anything better.”

“No.”

“Then we try it”, Ra’m said throwing the stick.

“ARCHERS”, The lead Dwarf said.

The two then, as the archers shot at the stick, ran inside the cave running down the path until they came to a dead end.

“Great, what do we do now”, Hochiesa said.

“Well I turn to my right, knock three times then say light the corridor Johnson, let me in”, she said while doing the commands.

The door opened revealing a scrawny boy with black hair and green eyes. The two walked through looking in awe at the gold and silver lacing the walls. The ground was emerald with seams of sapphire and turquoise. They kept walking admiring the white crystals as they went.

Ra’m noticed the lack of candles and asked the boy, “How is there light when I see no candles?”

“The light comes from the gems”, the boy said mysteriously.

“What do you mean?”

“See those white crystals?”

“Yes, you mean to say those are the ones that are giving off the light?”

“Indeed.”

“Amazing, does it dim at night?”

“Neigh, it shines brighter.”

“How can you sleep?”

“We close the heavy blinds in front of the windows.”

“It must be hard living here.”

“You have no idea. Every kid I know wants to leave someday but their parents tell them it’s too dangerous. I mean isn’t that why we’re being trained to fight.”

“I feel your pain kid I was told to come down here by an old woman.”

“You mean Rima.”

“She didn’t tell me her name.”

“Yes, but that is her handiwork”, the boy said pointing to the bow.

“Really”, Ra’m said marvelling at the skill of the woman.

“Yeah, she taught me.”

“You must be pretty good then.”

“Not really.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“No, really I’m not that good. Here we are Rima’s son’s house, I suggest you go inside.”

“Thank you, I enjoyed our little chat.”

“Your welcome.”

Ra’m went inside not knowing what to expect, Hochiesa close behind. As she walked in she marvelled at the grandeur of the house. The banisters were covered in grape vines, the seats wrapped with gold. The stairs were steep but possessed a touch of beauty in the stone carvings upon them that she had not thought possible till now. It was only when she saw a man sitting in one of the chairs did she realize what this house was for. It was a palace, a castle meant for the king of this little world below.

“We did not build this place, it was made by the dwarves the third people on Frescheir”, the man in the chair said conspicuously.

“Sir, may I speak”, Hochiesa said unwavering.

“You are not the one who was told to come here.”

“H… how did you know?”

“I know many things, that is one of them.”

“Are you telepathic?” Ra’m asked the man.

“Indeed, your very perceptive.”

“Thank you, are you to teach me?”

“Yes.”

“When do we begin?”

“Tomorrow at dawn be ready, oh and you may stay in the inn tonight tomorrow you will have a room in the academy.”

“Academy?”

“Yes, the academy. You didn’t really expect tutoring did you?”

“No sir.”

“I know you weren’t now go.”

Ra’m did as the man asked and left Hochiesa in tow. They walked until they found a sign that said, “Tioshi’s Inn.”

“Odd name”, Hochiesa said laughing.

“Says you”, Ra’m commented back.

They walked inside and rented a room. They walked up the Golden stairs to the room where they were staying. Ra’m opened the door and walked in seeing two beds.

“Your pick”, she said generously.

Hochiesa walked over to the one closest to the door and sat.

“So, it’s going to be a long day tomorrow, better get some shut-eye”, Hochiesa said to Ra’m.

“Ok… Hochiesa”, Ra’m said submittingly.

Ra’m went to sleep glad that the day was over.

[Iselka]

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