A collection of poems

[Cadin Araceli]

Life
has a pattern.
Everything
falls apart.

When
How
Why
When
That remains a mystery.

[Cadin Araceli]

I cried today

and not because of the dull pain
in my wrist
or my thigh

and not because I thought maybe
I had ended one of the greatest things
of my life
due to stubbornness

No
I cried because I remembered
and I shared
and I opened up
about the s*** in my life

And unlike the dull pain
in my wrist and thigh
and unlike that feelings
of completely failure

all the s*** in my life will never
go away.

I cried today
because I couldn't keep myself
ignorant any longer.

[Cadin Araceli]

Feelings are erratic
They have ways of coming upon you
And you have no idea of which way
They will come.

They can creep slowly
Filling you from head to toe
And you know it's coming.
The inevitability.

They can pounce on you
All at once
Like a tidal wave
Carrying you away.

Then there are those
That are always with you
Sometimes covered
Sometimes exposed
Crushing everything else.

And there is no way of controlling any of this
And yet we all with try
To stop the creep, the pounce,
To erase the always present.

Still, there is the human condition
Try
Fail
Try again.

[Cadin Araceli]

"Don’t do something stupid"

You say

“Ok"

Is all I say

But I can’t keep

The stupid numbness

And the emptiness from

Filling me up

And I know how to release 

All of the nothing

But that 

Would be “something stupid"

Just a call for attention

Of course that’s all it is

There is no way it could be

Something more. Something bigger.

But I said ok. 

And I would rather

Be empty and numb

Than face what my emotions are.

[Cadin Araceli]

There are times
I feel heavy
And grounded
Like nothing could move me

And there are times
I feel weightless
Like the world is slipping away
And I am going to float away.

Like the normal rule
of E=MC2 doesn't apply to me
And it all can change
Based on you.

[Cadin Araceli]

Maybe I'll just re-invent myself
Replace everything I am
With everything I've kept myself from being

Maybe instead of repeating history
I'll erase the past
and fabricate myself a happier story

Then I'll be able to sleep at night
And dream instead of more nightmares
And I'll fill myself with all these lies

Because I would rather do that
Than continue the way I am.
Empty. Numb. Sad. Useless.

[Cadin Araceli]

I know you won't respond
And I know you don't want to hear from me
And I know there is no way that you care

But I still have this itch
In the very back of my mind
saying I should send you a letter telling you how I am

But I ignore it. And I ignore you.
And you ignore me.
And this is how we will die.

[Cadin Araceli]

I love writing.
The tap of hitting a key on a key board
Or the feel of dragging a pen across a page
Watching words and meaning
I've created
Appear right before my eyes.

I hate writing.
The constant drumming of a keyboard
Or the cramp I get in my hand from using a pen
Erasing something I've made because
It's not good enough.
Hours of time wasted.

I love writing.
Creating worlds and characters.
The plots and the relationships.
Exploring life.
While in the comfort of
My home.

I hate writing.
Attempting to make a concept.
Failed character designs.
Being unable to explore my new world
Because it all feels so
Fake.

I love writing.
Sharing what I have made with others
Seeing them taking in this piece
Of myself.
And tell me that
I'm great.

I hate writing.
Being force to share my writing
And watching dead eyes stare back.
I can see it in their dead eyes.
Not wanting to tell me that it sucks.
That I suck.

I am a writer.
And I will never know
Whether my love of writing
Or my hatred of it
Will end up winning in the end.
Or if it will always just be like this.

[Cadin Araceli]

When it's past 1am
I begin to imagine
someone's arms around my waist
and the bed less empty

When it's past 2am
I long for a good night kiss
and to fall asleep only
to wake up to their face

When it's past 3am
the tears often flow
as I lay awake alone
and very much so lonely

When it's past 4am
I have forced myself to sleep
and there are no dreams
and there are no nightmares

When I wake up
I wonder why
I wish for someone company
when I push everyone away

[Cadin Araceli]

I think I know why I keep randomly get
hit with all those bad feelings.
I start to feel completely
alone, and helpless.
I start to think that maybe
no one really knows me,
because I put too much of
a guard up between myself
and other people.
I don't even know how to take the
guard down.

Sometimes, I think I'm just
masquerading around as someone
I'm not.
Like being nice to everyone,
and not being just an
emotionless slut who only
cares about herself.

I get hit with the reminder that
I only reveal pieces of myself to people,
like giving everyone a single puzzles piece
so there is no chance they can put it all together.
And the messed up part about all of this is there is
no chance of changing.

This is what I am.
A fool with a mask
who pretends that they belong
and that people knows them
and that they actually have
someone who can be there for them always.

I don't.

I have spread myself too thin.
There is no putting myself together.
I don't even live for myself.
I live for others.
There is nothing about me worth living for.
And I have fooled everyone into believing differently
so that I don't kill myself.
Because then what would those I gave hope to do?

That's such a messed up existence.
That's my existence.
And I keep trying to deny it,
but it's very clear now.
I'm broken.
I'm very broken.
And I can cut myself of from feeling anytime
Ineed to
If I need to do anything.
I don't think I was meant to succeed in life.
I think I am just a puppet for other people.
I think that there is no way that I am going to live a long life,
and there is no way I'll have a fairy tale ending.
I'll kill myself first.
I don't deserve it.
I'm a big horrid fake.
And I am such a big horrible fake
I don't even have to try.
I don't love.
I don't feel.
I don't behave like a normal human at all.

I'm broken
I'm broken
I'm broken
I'm broken.
so
so
broken.