Kree. [ please comment/critique ] [ finished ]

[Asherwy]

Yeah, this is great! It still has suspense, which is hard for me to keep up in my book. also, I don't have it on this website, it's on a word document on my computer, and is too long to post on this forum, but I'll give you an overview. So far me and my friends have gotten caught in a tornado, woke up the next day to find about 500 black birds at the window, gotten caught in a earthquake that followed street signs when time stopped, found a scroll at the library up a tree, and when we flashed a black light on it, it glowed with the words "come find me". :D . great job on your book! it still has me hooked, and I hope to see more! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Your story seems quite mysterious, and it makes me want to know why the note was there, why had the earthquake happened? What were they doing when the tornado struck? I like your overall events, but it seems a little choppy and thrown all over the place. Of course, I can't judge it since you only gave me to gist, but I'm pretty sure that it's great.

Thank you so much! I've been aiming for the reader to never want to stop so I hope my other chapters are like that :)

[borador]

I'm a really harsh critique and I hope you don't get offended. I've only read the prologue and the first paragraph or so of the first chapter but:
The prologue is really confusing. I know prologues are supposed to draw you in but I didn't know who of the two characters were opening its eyes and who's which name. I would suggest that you put a defining feature or line to the two separate characters. It's mysterious and vague which is good but not in the case of characters and pronouns.
In suggestion, after hearing the spoken words, you could assign a gender to the person that spoke. Or use "shadow" more instead of "it". I feel like there are two "it"s but I'm not completely sure.

So far, it seems very very creative and I love your writing style! It's illustrative and has the tone of a mystery or horror novel. I think that if you finished it and then sent it to a publisher's company without editing it, it would still be published. In truth, your writing is a LOT better than mine. I also like the shorter chapters--it gives more of an edge-of-your-seat feeling and you dropped off at just the right moment. You weren't dragging it along but made the reader want to read more. You didn't hold too much information from the reader until the middle of the book (like some published authors have done) but still kept some to yourself to urge the reader on. In other words: *applauds* this some of the best writing I've ever read (a creative plot and nice writing style)

[Asherwy]

I'm a really harsh critique and I hope you don't get offended. I've only read the prologue and the first paragraph or so of the first chapter but:
The prologue is really confusing. I know prologues are supposed to draw you in but I didn't know who of the two characters were opening its eyes and who's which name. I would suggest that you put a defining feature or line to the two separate characters. It's mysterious and vague which is good but not in the case of characters and pronouns.
In suggestion, after hearing the spoken words, you could assign a gender to the person that spoke. Or use "shadow" more instead of "it". I feel like there are two "it"s but I'm not completely sure.

So far, it seems very very creative and I love your writing style! It's illustrative and has the tone of a mystery or horror novel. I think that if you finished it and then sent it to a publisher's company without editing it, it would still be published. In truth, your writing is a LOT better than mine. I also like the shorter chapters--it gives more of an edge-of-your-seat feeling and you dropped off at just the right moment. You weren't dragging it along but made the reader want to read more. You didn't hold too much information from the reader until the middle of the book (like some published authors have done) but still kept some to yourself to urge the reader on. In other words: *applauds* this some of the best writing I've ever read (a creative plot and nice writing style)

Thank you so much for your opinion, I'd never thought of the prologue being confusing. Thanks!

[Asherwy]

ｆｉｖｅ.

The creature looked like a white splotch against all the grey shadows that loomed up on every side, threatening to engulf both of them. The white Kakushi peered into the eyes that were so similar to his own, frightening and soothing at the same time. They were black pools like his, but the other one called 'Josiah' did not have the tear stain on his left pool. Kree stared at Josiah. Josiah stared at Kree. Both of them waited for the other to say something, something that both of them could understand.
"What's your name?"
That voice again. The unfamiliar tone of voice he had never heard until now. It was terrifying, but a warm sensation seemed to tingle at his fur. He felt wanted. He felt like he belonged. But the stone cold voice of his father forced into his mind, overtaken by another voice of his father. The other voice of his father was stone cracking. The white pup blinked once, wondering what to say to answer the stranger's question.
"Kree."
It was an accident. The undersized Kakushi hadn't meant to say it out loud, but Josiah's eyes urged it on. His voice was strange too, rasping like two roughened stones rubbing against each other. It was tainted with a word he had heard in the song, agony. Grief. Why did it sound like that? Voices never sounded like anything but stone or fluff, nothing like broken stone or sunlight.
"Hello Kree."
White ears pricked at the sound of his name, spoken by an unfamiliar voice, in an unfamiliar tone. Thoughts raced through the pup's mind, his name did not sound like that. It was supposed to sound like a dull, smoothened rock. This was too unusual, too nice, too welcoming. He could not find the word for it, but many other words he knew that best described the voice popped into his mind. It was a strange place with strange sounds and frightening changes. Looking upwards, strings of faint light seemed to shine through the rock ceiling. Only, it wasn't rock, it was wood.
"Where am I?"
It no longer sounded like broken stones, it sounded like water trickling on dirt. His voice was too wet, peculiar to his large ears. It sounded more normal, but different against the puzzling surroundings. Josiah advanced towards Kree, following the small Kakushi's gaze and replied with a different tone, one that carried a burden of loss.
"Keizen."

← chp. 4

chp. 6 →

note; sorry it took so long! I had writer's block for the story ;A;

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[Asherwy]

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[Asherwy]

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[Asherwy]

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[.:A r i c a R e e:.]

This is awesome, you gonna post more? =D

[Asherwy]

This is awesome, you gonna post more? =D

I am, and thanks so much ;3

[Asherwy]

ｓｉｘ.

He knew that word. It's definition, everything. He had endured that his entire life. It meant alone, helpless. Ears lowering slowly, the young Kakushi stared at the unwelcoming floor, at it's cold grey surface. Josiah edged towards the depressed figure, using his size as an advantage to get right under Kree's muzzle. Two pairs of black pools met, each gazing into another's sorrow.
"Can I call you Cookie?"
Taken aback by the undersized Kakushi's sudden speech, Josiah cocked his head and frowned in thought, as if trying to sort out his thoughts. Kree noted that his voice sounded different than when he first spoke to the gingerbread like creature, like a drip of water slid off his reserved ice ball. It felt good.
"Okay."
Raising his snow-white head up to face the source of the voice, immediately paralyzed by the sight that contacted him. The white gingerbread creature's voice was strange. Something similar to sorrow and joy had made up the reply. It made Kree warm inside, but he was still dumbfounded with the display. Josiah was smiling. Smiling. Nothing ever smiled since he was born. Sienne had smiled once when he was very little, but that was barely anything either. His mother had also explained what a smile was one morning before Zorr had woken up, acid green eyes glowering suspiciously at Sienne. This one was big. And happy.
"Do you want to have a tour?"
It's the same voice that agreed to being called 'Cookie,' the same tone and the same mood. Except it's a question, with a hint of hope that Kree would accept. Would he? Would he want a tour of a place called Keizen? Somewhere so sad? So lonely? The white pup blinks once at Josiah, about to ask what was there to tour, but something else tramples those words and leaps of his tongue.
"Yes."

← chp. 5

chp. 7 →

note; woooow this chapter is shooorrt. sorry guys ;-;

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