Kree. [ please comment/critique ] [ finished ]

[spiff]

I personally love how vague your story is. The short chapters also work in its favor; because the reader hardly knows anything about it, they'll probably be more reluctant to give the devotion that it takes to read longer chapters than if they knew what they were getting into.
I really love your writing style. It's difficult to explain, but it sets the mood quite nicely. Keep up the good work! C:

[Asherwy]

I personally love how vague your story is. The short chapters also work in its favor; because the reader hardly knows anything about it, they'll probably be more reluctant to give the devotion that it takes to read longer chapters than if they knew what they were getting into.
I really love your writing style. It's difficult to explain, but it sets the mood quite nicely. Keep up the good work! C:

Thank you so much. This is my first time writing a story so it really means a lot. I'm currently working on the third chapter.

[Asherwy]

ｔｈｒｅｅ.

"Kree."
That stone cold voice melted into a smothering whisper, those piercing emerald eyes brimming with anticipation and satisfaction. His father's ears had purposely ignored the eldest son's inquiry, they seemed to only focus on the white one. Not just his ears, but all his senses were set on the pup as those massive paws creeped slowly towards him. Trembling, the pup edged backwards counter to his father's advance. When the young Kakushi looked up again, the emerald eyes were bloodshot and burning with cruelty that he could not decipher, right in front of him. The battle-scarred muzzle leaned down next to his ear, the smell of blood so strong that he could taste it as his father hissed.
"Your mother is gone."
It was as if something shot him, whatever it was, that feeling embedded itself into his body. He could feel it growing, millions of black roots weaving around within him as his father backed away, eyes sparking with something else the pup couldn't pick out. Soon the black roots clasped his muscles and body as he crumpled to the ground, a black tear forming on his left eye while his right eye was overcome with a black wave. All the colours he could see were fading from sight, leaving a dull world of black and white. A grin had formed on his father's muzzle, dripping with a dark liquid.
"Run."
That word carried so much heavy weight with it, it came out of his father's mouth as a wicked snarl. Your mother isn't here to protect you now. Kree could hear exactly what his father was thinking, so his little white paws seemed to have anger, pulsing into them.
Shhhrriiiipp.
A set of small, sharp claws raked his father's face, across one emerald eye. There was no flinching, there was no howl of agony. When the white Kakushi again looked into his father's eyes, all that frightening anger and wicked satisfaction was gone. Those eyes were pools of melancholy, regret pulsing in them.
"I'm sorry."
Thick inky liquid washed around the Kakushi's paws, rising rapidly and soon engulfed him. But he felt no fear, no grave acceptance. Only confusion. Who is Zorr?

← chp. 2

chp. 4 →

note; please comment guys!

intro post

[.:A r i c a R e e:.]

o.o wow. Post more!!!!

[Asherwy]

o.o wow. Post more!!!!

I will! Thank youuu

[Butterrat]

Hey, a fellow writer! same problem here, with the short prologue, but for me, it's the WHOLE BOOK. See, I'm a writer too. I'm writing a book, but the chapters are a few pages long. But great so far! I've only red about the prologue and a bit of the first chapter, but I and already hooked, and THAT'S the sign of a great writer.

[Asherwy]

Hey, a fellow writer! same problem here, with the short prologue, but for me, it's the WHOLE BOOK. See, I'm a writer too. I'm writing a book, but the chapters are a few pages long. But great so far! I've only red about the prologue and a bit of the first chapter, but I and already hooked, and THAT'S the sign of a great writer.

Thank you so much! It means a lot, really. I could read your book if you want.

[Asherwy]

ｆｏｕｒ.

"I'm sorry."
That anguished stone whisper whistled in his ears. Blinking, the pup freed his black eyes from the darkness of his lids, only to see more shadows. There was no light, no colour, just black dancing with white. He knew it was dark, but he could see that he was in a cave with no entrance. Something was above him, above the stone ceiling, threatening to fall through and crush him. Nothing happened. Listening hard, he could depict small voices bouncing off the walls, pummelling his ears and flanks. You must stay here. You can't get out. Stay with us. Forever. There was one voice, overpowering the others. One of stone, raw with coldness.

Stay in the dark
Stay in the shadow
Stay in the agony
Forever

Wander on your own
But don’t leave your home
For if you do
It will collapse

So keep to your place
Keep by yourself
Don’t go outside your home
Ever again

A song? He sings the song! It is decided! You will stay here for- Plip. Twisting his head to see where the noise came from, he spotted a small puddle of water against the cave wall. A crevice in the cave wall trickled with clear water, feeding the puddle. Rising to his paws, the Kakushi hobbled over to the puddle, lapping up the cold liquid until something fell on his head.
"Salutations stranger."
This was a different voice, a different tone. Unfamiliar. This voice was friendly, there was not a speck of stone inside, but warm embers flickered as it spoke. The weight that had landed on his head vanished, the white Kakushi swivelled his head to look behind him. There stood a small white figure, no bigger than his leg. Those eyes that belonged to the figure were black dots, just like the pup's. The little mouth of the figure opened, revealing a smile that spoke with welcome.
"My name is Josiah."

← chp. 3

chp. 5 →

note; the song in there was written by me, no stealing!

intro post

[Asherwy]

Any opinions so far?

[Butterrat]

Yeah, this is great! It still has suspense, which is hard for me to keep up in my book. also, I don't have it on this website, it's on a word document on my computer, and is too long to post on this forum, but I'll give you an overview. So far me and my friends have gotten caught in a tornado, woke up the next day to find about 500 black birds at the window, gotten caught in a earthquake that followed street signs when time stopped, found a scroll at the library up a tree, and when we flashed a black light on it, it glowed with the words "come find me". . great job on your book! it still has me hooked, and I hope to see more!