{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } LOCK! NEW THREAD

[TheSongOfTheStars]

Oooh! oooh! I love fighting scenes... Only problem? I'm way more detailed then nessisary.
I love writing all parts of writing scenes. The minutes leading up, the first punch, the end.

[Agent Cooper]

Could I have critiques please?

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2428617

It has a nice start, but the pacing is a bit weird? It's a bit fast, I guess. It's kinda hard to find the balance between things going too fast, and having too much fluff.

[Falls]

Could I have critiques please?

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2428617

*Reads*
*sniff...*
Wahhhhhhhh!
It was a good story. I can't say I "liked" it though, because I blacklist all the stories that give me the FEELS. But it was good!

Critique:
I would like to second that advice on pacing. That story was great, but it moved sooo much faster than it could have. Some details, like the girl's nickname and its origin, should have been explained in the first scene so that we wouldn't have to be caught up about it during the action scene.
Also, some things went unexplained. Who took her and why? Why was Zander allowed in there with the cops for the rescue? Or did he sneak in before they got there? What happened to the girl's kidnapper afterwards? Jail time? Shot by cops?

Don't let the critique dishearten you. It was a good plot and a good ending. You just need to work on those finishing touches now. Good luck!

[TheSongOfTheStars]

Sorry I had a hard time following it. I couldn't tell if it was a gril or boy as main chacater. Maybe if you made it longer it would be more understanable

[Mercury.Muses]

I took it as the main character was a girl, but now that you say it, it was never pointed out. Except for the small line containing "Anna" in it. But what I need to now is.. More please between the time of getting out to when she was in the room? how did she get found? how long was she out? what happened to the guy? why did Zander break through the wall?... (or door, as far as I know, wall.) you left out some important details and I missed the word façade in there. It was a good story though, I hate hospitals.
It just needed to be slowed a step and taken a bit more in depth unless it is a short story.

[iWonder]

I finished writing a story, I would love. It if you read it.
Username: Machenza
Story link: Here.
It is in need of editing. So if you see a typo or see any other errors or suggestions please tell me what page and chapter. And maybe the sentance it is in so I can fix it.

Thank you.

[Guest]

Could I have critiques please?

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2428617

*sits and waits for the tears to stop*

Anyway.
Let's start with the things that need to be changed and finish with the good things:
•It's a bit too fast paced. Maybe if you slowed it down a little, it would be an even more pleasurable read. Perhaps expand a bit about when she's in the kidnapper's lair.
• I am left with several questions. What are the motives of the people who kidnapped her? Who are they, anyway? Why doesn't Anna talk? What's "stage one"? Presumably, it's not very nice, but some details would help, even if they're just a few threats. I understand if you wanted to keep it child friendly, though! ^^;
• It would be nice to build up Anna and Zander's relationship a bit. if you had Anna daydream a bit about Zander while she's captive, it might give the reader a bit more of an idea how strong their relationship is. As it stands now, all the reader has to go on is Anna's short sidenote about him being her best friend, the fact he rescued her, and her reaction to *SPOILERS* his death. I know that might seem like a lot when it's written down, but this story is high on action, and if the relationship doesn't stand out it gets lost.
• Your placement choice for the required words seems a bit forced. I think the word "superfluous" might work better when she's in the kidnapping place: "he gave me a superfluous, unnecessary smile." The word "maniacal" is a bit to strong to be used to describe hair. If you break it down, it's "manic-al," as in maniac, like psycho. It also implies that some conscious decision was made. The hair is not crazy like a maniac, the gunshots are more maniacal.

The good things:
• Incredible plot and idea. I know everyone says this, but you made me feel something from a two-page short story. That's some amazing talent you're wielding. This reminds me a bit of The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton: it packs a lot of pain into a short plot, with heavy impact.
• Excellent grammar. You have no idea how hard it is to find a short story like this with proper grammar. I applaud you.
• This reads like a bestselling young adult book! I am serious: the emotion, first person POV, plot, action, and present tense verbs, which make you feel more connected and for some reason are all the rage, are all there.
• All in all, lovely read which only needs some small edits and a few... major... pacing changes... XD

[Dare,]

oop, randomly popping in again. anyways i come in search of a bit of critiquing.
if you wouldn't mind taking two seconds of your time to read my little short story
and let me know what you think, i'd love you forever. thanks! here's the link ♥

[Kaerie]

I have a question for you guys, if you don't mind.

The story I'm currently working on includes a prophecy, and I was wondering is it theoretically possible to alter the result of a prophecy? For example, there is mention of a trait pertaining to the main character in the prophecy (long blonde hair) and as an indirect result of someone tampering with the prophecy it changes (her hair is cut).

In most stories with prophecies there's only a vague warning or it states you have one choice or another and the character works towards the favorable option; of course I'm being a bit sadistic and there is no favorable outcome, and the idea of the prophecy not being entirely steadfast is interesting motivation for the main character.

Thanks for your time! Doubly so if you reply!~

[Agent Cooper]

I have a question for you guys, if you don't mind.

The story I'm currently working on includes a prophecy, and I was wondering is it theoretically possible to alter the result of a prophecy? For example, there is mention of a trait pertaining to the main character in the prophecy (long blonde hair) and as an indirect result of someone tampering with the prophecy it changes (her hair is cut).

In most stories with prophecies there's only a vague warning or it states you have one choice or another and the character works towards the favorable option; of course I'm being a bit sadistic and there is no favorable outcome, and the idea of the prophecy not being entirely steadfast is interesting motivation for the main character.

Thanks for your time! Doubly so if you reply!~

It's always an interesting theory, especially with prophecies based on looks. Like, my character has naturally black hair, but general keeps it pink. Does the prophecy change? Do all of the books shift? Or does it pick another person with black hair because the gods don't feel like changing the prophecy?

The prophecy plot is a bit of a dead horse, although it could still be shifted a bit. No one seems to realize that prophecies don't all have to be "This person will save the day." What if the prophecy is "This person will die to the hands of evil." or "This person will become that evil." I'm sure the latter has been done before, but it would still be interesting to see.

I was thinking of a plot where the main characters all misunderstand the prophecy, and grow up thinking that they're going to be the heroes, but if they aren't? What if it's someone else? What if the prophecy actually means that they will be that evil?