{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } LOCK! NEW THREAD

[ede]

Username: Purplesugarmonster
What we will call you: (a maximum of four.) Purple
Will you critique other's work?: (yes, no, or possibly.) Possibly
Links to your story if you have any: I don't have any but I would like to start one on a forum somewhere.. I will post a link if I do.
Anything you want us to know?: This is a great idea! I love writing!

[broker]

cut-

[oui.]

Username: oui.
What we will call you: Jaden.
Will you critique other's work?: Yes.
Links to your story if you have any: None yet, will be making some.
Anything you want us to know?: Nope.

[OutlawQueen]

Username: H2OMermaidRitafan#1
What we will call you: (a maximum of four.) Oreo
Will you critique other's work?: (yes, no, or possibly.) Yews, totaly
Links to your story if you have any: viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2008456 poetry & soppe, viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2087897 Agent Fins: Agent Pepper A Life's story, viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2178311 The Story of Ricolen
Anything you want us to know?:

[Silverhart]

Is there anything specific you need help with Bonus? ^^ Is this for a roleplay or character reference or something, because a couple of things don't make much sense to me. Like the first paragraph with the Lycanthrope Family (is it an actual family?) and the congregation (what congregation?).

There are a couple of places that need polishing up, from what I can see. Maybe try reading it out loud to yourself.

[broker]

nothing specific x'D It's not a biologically related family but it's community is just referred as one. Is that unclear or did you assume that they're all related to the Brodys?

I guess I used congregation out of context. ;o; I'm sorry for that, it was referring to the community. I guess I was more of looking for variety with the wording but that's not necessary. //lolo I'm stupid don't mind me

Alright I'll try doing that again ; v ; is there anything painfully obvious I need to polish up? I know that's a hard question since my writing's hard to read in the first place ahhh q v q /dies/ please let me know

and yes it's a roleplay form. <3 I'm sorry for not making that clear in the first place. ;A;

Thank you so much for taking the time to help out! 'v'

[Silverhart]

Yes, it was unclear that is not an actual family. I assumed it was an actual family until you mentioned the 'Brody heritage' and then I thought 'wait, are there more then one family?' I also don't think you used congregation incorrectly, but I think because it was referred to as a 'family' and not clarified as a 'community', it didn't make sense to me. And you're not stupid! Don't say that! ^^

Um, I'd have to reread it, but nothing stuck out too bad. A few sentences that could be shortened, or words that could be dropped, just to get a better flow. Like for example, "And overtime, their numbers gradually decreased from the lack of new comers, and for the leave of families who questioned the terms of Dominick Brody and his successors to come." That's a little wordy, so that could be fixed up a little, maybe split into two sentences. I'm not sure if 'for the leave of' is grammatically correct either, so you could probably find a better way to say it. Stuff like that. Overall it made sense, but you could just probably have it read a little better.

Anyway, don't worry or feel too sensitive. ^^ Nobody's judging you, when they critique your work. You get critique so you can get feedback on how to better express your ideas. It doesn't mean your ideas are bad, or that my or anyone else's ideas are better. I know I'm probably not helping - it's still hard not to feel like you're being judged sometimes, but you're brave for putting your work out there for some critique.

[Iselka]

I'm going to give you guys a sneak peak to chapter 4 of the Fox Grove please if you see anything wrong correct me.

Ra’m woke the next morning to hear singing. At first to her the words were unintelligible but as it grew louder she started to hear a beautiful (and perfectly intelligible) song. It went something like this:

I went along the fiery road
The trees abroad with flame
Trapped within a glowing rock
The heat upon my fur
I was found then lost again
Left to die that day

Fire burning
Turning trees to dust
I cried for help but no one came

Fire burning
Till the end of day

She now saw that it was Hochiesa who was singing. She walked over to him to tell him that his song was beautiful, but she saw that he was sleeping and went back over to her bed and slept for another hour.
Hochiesa woke up before Ra’m hoping to get some breafast. Nothing was on the table so he started cooking. He made eggs, chicken, and rice, (a rare delecacy according to his parents) with which a certain type of cheese would go nicely.
Smelling the food Ra’m awoke.

“I see you found the food I bought last night when I woke up the first time, the crystal does really get brighter you know, said Ram still a small bit distrustful.

“Yes”, Hochiesa said suprised, “ You got these?”

“Yes, I did I woke up after you sang as well it was beautiful.”

“What song?”

Then Ra’m repeated the song that he had sang. It had been beautiful in his voice but in hers it was harmonious.

[Sister-Dan]

Username: ~LiLǤι∂ɛσи~
What we will call you: Gideon, Bailey.
Will you critique other's work?: Possibly.
Links to your story if you have any: http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2100970 http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2129819
Anything you want us to know?: Good day!

[broker]

Yes, it was unclear that is not an actual family. I assumed it was an actual family until you mentioned the 'Brody heritage' and then I thought 'wait, are there more then one family?' I also don't think you used congregation incorrectly, but I think because it was referred to as a 'family' and not clarified as a 'community', it didn't make sense to me. And you're not stupid! Don't say that! ^^

Um, I'd have to reread it, but nothing stuck out too bad. A few sentences that could be shortened, or words that could be dropped, just to get a better flow. Like for example, "And overtime, their numbers gradually decreased from the lack of new comers, and for the leave of families who questioned the terms of Dominick Brody and his successors to come." That's a little wordy, so that could be fixed up a little, maybe split into two sentences. I'm not sure if 'for the leave of' is grammatically correct either, so you could probably find a better way to say it. Stuff like that. Overall it made sense, but you could just probably have it read a little better.

Anyway, don't worry or feel too sensitive. ^^ Nobody's judging you, when they critique your work. You get critique so you can get feedback on how to better express your ideas. It doesn't mean your ideas are bad, or that my or anyone else's ideas are better. I know I'm probably not helping - it's still hard not to feel like you're being judged sometimes, but you're brave for putting your work out there for some critique.

Alright <33 I'll see what I can do to make that a bit more obvious as their title than as an actual family name. (Do you think I should mention that Lycanthrope means werewolf or is that unnecessary?)

Okay, :') I fixed that particular sentence up a bit. Hopefully that's a bit more clear now.

No no you've helped me to have a bit more of an open mind with my wording and gave me your opinion a stranger. (If I may be so bold to say x'D) And that's exactly what I needed, thank you so much!

Yeah I really have to work on my whole 'sensitive' issue if I ever want to get serious about writing. ;o; haha thank you again ; v ; I really appreciate your help and understanding.