by Kodabomb » Mon Jan 06, 2014 7:42 pm
Um... hey peoples! Could I get some crit on the first chapter of Horizon? I tried getting my mum to, but I only got grammar nazi'd.
I'd really appreciate it if I could get some in-thread crit and commentary on this first chapter. Thanks guys! <3333
Chapter 1
“Are all the puppies in the nursery? All of them?” I demanded.
“Yes, Quinn. All of them.” Beau sighed.
“Nobody tripped on a floor crack or fell off a wall?” I asked playfully.
“Stop it,” he chuckled, leaping up and resting his head on mine, chewing on my ear.
“Get off you big stupid!” I giggled, turning to nip him on the scruff of the neck and take off down the darkened stone hallway. I happily squealed as he raced after me, his slim body and muscled legs making it very easy for the big dog to leap up and roll on top of me, pinning me to the floor and making me squirm. Eventually, I just let my head flop, gazing up at his cheeky face with a smirk.
“You’re completely evil, Quinny.” Grinned Beau, licking my face.
“You’re completely evil. Now, get off me so we can go hunt.” I shook my head, wrapping my forepaws around his neck to shove him off my stomach. When we both stood, we glanced at one another, looked ahead down the hallway, and walked side-by-side along the corridor. We exited the stone passage into the entrance hallway, where we crossed through the gatehouse and into the early morning sunshine. The sun glimmered through the leafy treetops of the heavily overgrown castle grounds, and just beyond the wild flower bushes and messy but neatly-spaced trees, lay the crumbling remains of the outer wall and wooden gates.
Beyond the gate was the forest. The dark, grassy and gorgeously lush bushland in which the hunters stalked prey. The woods were flourishing with a well-managed population of animals such as deer, rabbits, cattle, sheep and horses. Wild creatures that we were able to kill for the purpose of feeding the pack and the Alpha. We were forbidden, absolutely banned from killing the animals for fun in our territory. Nobody knows what it’s like for the others, but our Alphas since the Third Escapes have preached that to the Forest Pack.
Beau and I were hunters. It was our job, along with many others, to capture one kill each and bring it back to the castle. If all the hunters catch one animal per dog, we are able to feed mass groups in our pack to keep everybody full and healthy.
“I’ll meet you back here in an hour.” Said Beau softly. He leaned to lick my muzzle, before barking and taking off into the thick undergrowth to his right. I yipped to farewell him, then ducked into the bushes to my left.
I wriggled through the shrubs and leaves for a while, not smelling or seeing anything of interest. The area around me sloped, and I found myself creeping down a pre-trodden track over the squashed grass and leaves. The strong scent of dogs from days and days before wafted to me, indicating that the track led to a good hunting spot. I was very curious to know what kind of animal made its home up ahead.
The track sloped further and further, until I was delicately sliding myself down the steep, shady hill. The bottom was just ahead, and digging my back paws into the dirt I sprang forward. Stretching my front claws out and bracing my entire body for impact, I landed at the bottom of the hill in a green, short-grassed clearing. I may have been here before on a different route.
The area was deeply covered in stones, glass, bricks and other items that the humans apparently used to make their houses from. It was a common sight in the Forest territory; the trees we lived amongst grew over the very foundations of their old ‘towns’. But it wasn’t very noticeable. All I could see was beautiful grass, trees, leaves and sunshine.
And much to my delight, a herd of tightly-packed sheep. They were bundled in a tiny flock, their fluffy chests going up and down rapidly with their breathing. The strong, delicious scent of their body came directly at me with the light breeze, and the smell of their wool’s lanolin was even stronger.
I was lucky sheep were not at all intelligent or could smell well.
They grazed the undergrowth with their wooly bums facing me, allowing a swift run at them to duck behind a tree merely metres from their ankles. By then, I could sense their tension. In their muscles, in their chewing, in their shuffling steps…
I crouched so low to the ground my stomach tickled the soil. I grinned, baring my drool-coated teeth.
When I tightened my thighs, the glance of the suddenly frightened ewe before me was too late. She bleated in a cry of fear, alerting her fellows, as my back legs sent me soaring through the air toward her hindquarters.
Digging my claws into her side, I leapt directly onto her back and sank my teeth into her throat. Terrified and absolutely surprised, the sheep tried to buck and flee my grasp while her peers sprinted and bounced into the forest. She cried in fear while I shook, biting harder. Greasy wool filled my mouth while I tackled her to the ground, pinning her. She tried to kick more, but it was practically over for this sheep. I took her down well; if I had chased her to catch them, I would have been bruised and bleeding by that point. But the element of surprise was so valuable.
The sheep was dying. I licked the blood from my lips, bit her throat once more, then latched my jaws around her back leg. It was going to be a long but rewarding trip back to the castle. I’d done well on my own.
***
It took a long time to get back there, but I lay my catch’s corpse down near the gates and lay beside it. I panted and sighed, yawning a few times and cleaning the wool pieces from my fur. Beau hadn’t returned yet, as I’d caught the sheep very quickly. I considered carrying the meal up to the grand hall, but I thought it’d be sweeter if Beau and I went back together.
After about half an hour of waiting; about half an hour longer than I’d originally expected; rustling bushes announced the arrival of Beau and perhaps a companion. When they came out, it was just the two I expected it to be – Beau and his adoptive brother, Jackson. Jackson was hauling a massive doe along with all his might, while Beau carried a fat hair in his jaws.
I stood and stared at both boys, laughing and shaking my head. “Oh my gosh Beau, that’s pathetic.” I cried in giggles, watching Beau’s unamused gaze as the hare dropped from his mouth and fell limply onto the gravel path. He pursed his lips, eyes sliding over to Jackson who released the deer’s leg with a snort.
“Yeah Beau; pathetic!” he chuckled, leaping away from his brother’s swipe as he ran around in circles, fluffy husky tail flailing over his back. They began barking at each other, the teasing turning into a playful game of tag, running around and around the body of the deer.
I laughed. “Ok, I’m going to take my kill into the hall… you boys keep doing whatever you’re doing.” I smiled, picked up the leg of the sheep and hauled it over the dirt to the gatehouse doors. I blinked at the guard occupying the small building, as I walked backwards down the hall leading directly to the grand hall. I knew the doors were open, so I went inside as normal and plopped my heavy, fat load down on the mossy stone floor of the hall. A couple more hunters were there, laying next to their kill with pride, and I simply rested my head on my paws and watched the castle entrance way down the corridor. In just minutes did Beau and Jackson walk in, Beau trotting in front of his brother, hare in mouth. Jackson was dragging his load with difficulty.
Due to the fact that my mate was walking so much faster, he was at my side when Jackson was only a quarter way along the hallway. I looked up at Beau and sighed, licking his chin. “You are a very kind brother.” I said in a tone of sarcasm.
“I know. That’s why I know you’ll have the immediate instinct to go help him.” He smiled. I shook my head and stood, walking away from him to go help poor Jackson. When I got to him, the husky looked at me in a face of sadness.
“He’s so mean.” He said, pretending to be insanely depressed. I grinned.
“Oh definitely. Let me get the hind leg.” I said, making him nod in gratitude. I grasped the thick, bony ankle of the massive doe when he got the front, and in a few minutes we arrived in the grand hall. Beau was rolling all over the deer with the lying on its stomach, getting hair and wool absolutely everywhere. The doe was dumped a few metres away, so we all lay side-by-side to watch the multiple other loads of various animal types being dragged in.
They ranged in all sizes, as the dogs caught all animals. All animals with the exception of cats, foxes and wolves. We didn’t associate ourselves as much with foxes and wolves, as they weren’t… dog to be fair. They also didn’t make the effort to speak with us. They sometimes came by, like messengers from the borders and unreachable areas of territories, but weren’t accepted as part of the pack. It had been so for seventy Four Seasons.
Cats were simply cats. There were very, very many around, but they isolated themselves to the far distant edges of every territory; mountains, valleys, caves, plains and other places we didn’t care for as much. There were some cats in the area around the castle, however we avoided them and were absolutely banned from killing them. Third Escape law.
In a moment, I was alerted by the hushing of the dogs in the room. From the other door came three dogs; Stella the Alpha and two of her closest guards, Erik and Amber. It was the most wonderful feeling of security around Stella; she was aged, calm, beautiful and ultimately caring. She wanted the best welfare of all for her pack, and she was the one who implemented the nursery law upon us. All parents were banned from leaving their puppies alone in the rooms when they were doing their jobs; puppies were to be walked every morning to the safely-guarded nursery.
Stella walked in all highness and beauty to her throne, a crumbling stone chair in a position where she could look over all of us in watchfulness and protection. She was a wise, sweet old soul who anybody could speak to. She was gorgeous; tall and shaggy and very spotty. Amber and Erik sat on either side of her throne, speaking to her in friendly conversation; they were far more her friends than guards.
After around five minutes, a time where we basically just talked about random stuff, the other dogs of the pack began making their way into the hall for the feast. It was a set system of ‘see what you like and go for it’, but dogs around here found themselves eating in friend groups, consuming what their hunter friends managed to catch.
In which case, our pile of sheep, hare and deer ended up surrounded by me, Jackson, Beau, my best friend Ayla, Ayla’s mother, Jackson’s mate Tracey and my best family friend Skyler. We did it every day, though Ayla’s mother normally ate with her mate and some of the other older dogs. She adored spending time with her daughter too, and we of course appreciated her company. I had a nice group of friends, we were all so close. Though Skyler was not as connected to the others as he was to me, his mate Tracey were extremely close to Ayla, Beau and Jackson. It was tight. We were almost a family.
We were to begin eating. I munched on the hare I seemed to end up sharing with Skyler, while the others tore up the sheep and deer. Not much conversation went on, but we were so hungry. The hare was nice, filling me up quickly, and I had my bite of lamb too. Of course, that much meat wasn’t going to be consumed in one sitting, so the nursery watchers took some back and the leftovers were stored for dinner and the guards on duty at that time.
Soon we were full, and because our hunting chores had been completed, Jackson, Beau and I were off for the rest of the day. Ayla had to care for the puppies in the nursery, Skyler had to return to guarding Stella’s quarters, and Tracey went back to clearing and cleaning the living areas of dogs in the north-west side of the castle. The hunters, though our jobs were tough, did get the most free time of all the dogs in the pack. We were able to idle about until the morning hunt or until we were ordered to kill something specifically. It was nice.
