{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } LOCK! NEW THREAD

[Amethyst The Gem]

hi there! i posted this a few pages ago, but i don't think anyone replied, so here it is again. a nine stanza poem i wrote. surprisingly, it only took about 30 minutes.

a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
I've wondered why.

can anyone think,
what It'd be like,
being a star,
to light up the night.

so many to choose from,
how would I know?
which one is the best?
where should i go?

the constellations,
a wonderful sight,
helping the moon,
giving off light.

maybe Orion,
holding his sword,
or the southern crown,
a sparkling reward.

the Pegasus too,
about to take flight,
and then Ursa major,
don't get in a fight.

a comet zooms past you,
and meteors fly,
you see how far up you are,
high in the sky.

and then back to home,
what a wonderful place,
i think it is here i belong,
and not space.

a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
and now i see why.

what do y'all think? I'd like a couple of opinions please.

This is very nice, good job! Are you new to writing poetry?
Here's a few pointers: The first thing to strike me with this poem, was the apparent lack of direction. This is especially noticeable in stanza 8, when you say home is a wonderful place where you belong. After all the lovely descriptions of stars, it would seem the opposite is true. Perhaps you could make a stronger 'point' or else leave it simply as an imaginative description of space?
In stanza 6, it seems the last line is a bit 'forced.' You could possibly do some reworking here?
In stanza 7, the third line is a bit of a bumpy ride after the fairly smooth rhythm of the rest of the poem! Again, a little bit of reworking could solve this.
Also, watch capitalization!
Overall, very nice. I loved the descriptive phrases like 'blanket of stars' and 'sparkling reward'. Let me know if you decide to do some revision.

thanks, i will work on it!

[Lilysplash]

hi there! i posted this a few pages ago, but i don't think anyone replied, so here it is again. a nine stanza poem i wrote. surprisingly, it only took about 30 minutes.

a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
I've wondered why.

can anyone think,
what It'd be like,
being a star,
to light up the night.

so many to choose from,
how would I know?
which one is the best?
where should i go?

the constellations,
a wonderful sight,
helping the moon,
giving off light.

maybe Orion,
holding his sword,
or the southern crown,
a sparkling reward.

the Pegasus too,
about to take flight,
and then Ursa major,
don't get in a fight.

a comet zooms past you,
and meteors fly,
you see how far up you are,
high in the sky.

and then back to home,
what a wonderful place,
i think it is here i belong,
and not space.

a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
and now i see why.

what do y'all think? I'd like a couple of opinions please.

I love the feel, but agree with critiques above. Capitalization! I must stress this! Okay, some people do it for style, but I find lack of caps unacceptable in formal writing. X3 I sound harsh, but to become a good author, you must treat everything like it would be graded by a teacher or sent to a publisher for consideration. It's just informal to lack basic grammar like that.
Also, there are a few other minor things, such as comma misuse.
Ex. "a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
I've wondered why."
A comma is not required after each line. c;
Treat it like a normal sentence. If it were in prose, it would be like this:
"A blanket of stars covers the sky, stretching so far, and I wonder why."
Just convert it back to poem form and you should be fine.
Another biggie is the fact that you switch from first to second poster. You say that a meteor zooms past "you", the reader, when you were saying that "I", the narrator, was going to space. I would suggest converting that stanza to first person.
X3 I'm a bit of a hard critiquing person, sorry! I do like it, though. You just need to work on mechanics like things I listed.

[Amethyst The Gem]

hi there! i posted this a few pages ago, but i don't think anyone replied, so here it is again. a nine stanza poem i wrote. surprisingly, it only took about 30 minutes.

a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
I've wondered why.

can anyone think,
what It'd be like,
being a star,
to light up the night.

so many to choose from,
how would I know?
which one is the best?
where should i go?

the constellations,
a wonderful sight,
helping the moon,
giving off light.

maybe Orion,
holding his sword,
or the southern crown,
a sparkling reward.

the Pegasus too,
about to take flight,
and then Ursa major,
don't get in a fight.

a comet zooms past you,
and meteors fly,
you see how far up you are,
high in the sky.

and then back to home,
what a wonderful place,
i think it is here i belong,
and not space.

a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
and now i see why.

what do y'all think? I'd like a couple of opinions please.

I love the feel, but agree with critiques above. Capitalization! I must stress this! Okay, some people do it for style, but I find lack of caps unacceptable in formal writing. X3 I sound harsh, but to become a good author, you must treat everything like it would be graded by a teacher or sent to a publisher for consideration. It's just informal to lack basic grammar like that.
Also, there are a few other minor things, such as comma misuse.
Ex. "a blanket of stars,
covers the sky,
stretching so far,
I've wondered why."
A comma is not required after each line. c;
Treat it like a normal sentence. If it were in prose, it would be like this:
"A blanket of stars covers the sky, stretching so far, and I wonder why."
Just convert it back to poem form and you should be fine.
Another biggie is the fact that you switch from first to second poster. You say that a meteor zooms past "you", the reader, when you were saying that "I", the narrator, was going to space. I would suggest converting that stanza to first person.
X3 I'm a bit of a hard critiquing person, sorry! I do like it, though. You just need to work on mechanics like things I listed.

no probs, i like harder critique! it makes it easier to make my writing better.

[Tsunami.]

Username:
Tsunami.
What we will call you:
Tsu c: (Pronounced: 'Soo')
Will you critique other's work?:
Umm possibly. I'm quite young so I might give people wrong advice).
Links to your story if you have any:
I don't have any on the internet, but I think this thread will help me post some ^^
Anything you want us to know?:
As I said, I'm not that old so I won't be as advanced as all of the others on this thread. :3

[PaperDragons1020]

I'd love to have some critique on my story 'Wolves Of Moon Pack', link in my signature.

[Kaerie]

hey guys, this is a little random and i dont post on here a lot but i was looking for some advice ovo
when writing in third person, i keep getting in that trap of constantly saying 'he', which gets repetitive and doesn't sound very good. i'll throw in the occasional 'John' [the name of the main character to whom i'm usually referring], but if i did it any more that would start to sound weird as well. i can't find a balance, and i'm not sure how to avoid it altogether.

That's one of the most annoying things for me in third person, since word repetition is a bit of a pet peeve of mine xD When I'm writing I use a few descriptive words to take the place of he/John. For example: The young man, the brunette, or perhaps if he has a noteworthy job, you might be able to replace it with his name. Ie: 'The young surgeon strode down the hall' and such.
^Just always make sure whatever you're using flows nicely :3

[mothkitty]

hey guys, this is a little random and i dont post on here a lot but i was looking for some advice ovo
when writing in third person, i keep getting in that trap of constantly saying 'he', which gets repetitive and doesn't sound very good. i'll throw in the occasional 'John' [the name of the main character to whom i'm usually referring], but if i did it any more that would start to sound weird as well. i can't find a balance, and i'm not sure how to avoid it altogether.

I've had this problem before, too. Sometimes I get around it by referring to the character by their species/position (e.g. "'We must move swiftly,' the soldier said." as opposed to "'We must move swiftly,' he said.")

Sometimes you don't even need to use a pronoun if you put the dialogue after an action: Peter walked over to the cot and rested the bow against it. "I am exhausted."

[Greenleaf]

Forgot to tell you my username changed, sorry!

Previous Username: ℓɛɢσℓαƨ~ɢяɛɛиℓɛαғ
New Username: Captain Greenleaf
What you'd like to be called now: Captain, Legolas, or Cat.

[Lilysplash]

I'd love to have some critique on my story 'Wolves Of Moon Pack', link in my signature.

Sure, I will if I can find the time in between my twenty pounds of homework, two exams, and four essays. c; One second.

[PaperDragons1020]

I'd love to have some critique on my story 'Wolves Of Moon Pack', link in my signature.

Sure, I will if I can find the time in between my twenty pounds of homework, two exams, and four essays. c; One second.

Thanks!