{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } A Thread For Writers

[eden .]

Username :: Fietelux.
What we will call you :: Fiete, or Kris. Or Supreme Chancellor. Take your pick, really.
Will you critique other's work? :: Of course.
Links to your story if you have any :: Street Lights, more coming soon.
Anything you want us to know? :: Nah.

accepted. welcome~

[crescent + cheep]

Ha ha! I've been known to read the dictionary when I was younger. I actually signed up on dictionary.com. They have this pretty neat game called Word Dynamo that helps you learn vocabulary words and things. It's pretty neat, if you're a word nerd like me. XP They have a lot of other great word games too.

Kat, I agree with Cherry-girl and asian. You should probably use something other then Warrior type names. You can still give them cool names though. They can be nature-type names or like asian said they might name themselves after things they see around the farm. Or you could make up names. ^^

Silver I'm so happy I found someone like me (:
I used to read [and still occasionally do] my dictionary from school, becaue I'd already read all of the other books in the classroom shelf xD

[eden .]

I have the latest version of my story that I'm entering into that contest that I mentioned a few pages ago. if you guys could read it over and give me some critique that would be AWESOME.

and if you aren't entering yourself, then you should TOOOOOTALLY make an account and "heart" [like] my entry so I actually have a chance. I don't like how it's vote-based -_- [because you could be a horrible writer, but as long as you have lots of hearts you could still win, and if you're a brilliant writer then you might not be noticed at all]. oh well

[O.G.]

Username :: Fietelux.
What we will call you :: Fiete, or Kris. Or Supreme Chancellor. Take your pick, really.
Will you critique other's work? :: Of course.
Links to your story if you have any :: Street Lights, more coming soon.
Anything you want us to know? :: Nah.

Hey, there! Welcome to the thread. =)
I read Street Lights, and I was just wondering if it would be alright if I commented there. Or would you rather me just comment here?

I have the latest version of my story that I'm entering into that contest that I mentioned a few pages ago. if you guys could read it over and give me some critique that would be AWESOME.

and if you aren't entering yourself, then you should TOOOOOTALLY make an account and "heart" [like] my entry so I actually have a chance. I don't like how it's vote-based -_- [because you could be a horrible writer, but as long as you have lots of hearts you could still win, and if you're a brilliant writer then you might not be noticed at all]. oh well

It'll be a little hard for me to critique someting on a different website, but I'll try. xD.
Like the last time, I like almost all of it. The only thing that I am not fond of the fourth paragraph. She really seems to randomly bring up the subject of showers without really saying that she was taking one when her brother was killed. It is just weird to see that mentioned, and then after a couple of paragraphs it is finally revealed that she was, indeed, in the shower when her brother was killed. I think you may need to revise that fourth paragraph or something.
Also, when she was quoting the officer and herself for the first time, I think you forgot to italicize what they were saying. But other than that, it's good. =)

[snowshoe.]

Username :: Fietelux.
What we will call you :: Fiete, or Kris. Or Supreme Chancellor. Take your pick, really.
Will you critique other's work? :: Of course.
Links to your story if you have any :: Street Lights, more coming soon.
Anything you want us to know? :: Nah.

Hey, there! Welcome to the thread. =)
I read Street Lights, and I was just wondering if it would be alright if I commented there. Or would you rather me just comment here?

Woohoo, thank you. ^^
Comment there. Or here. Either's fine.

[eden .]

I have the latest version of my story that I'm entering into that contest that I mentioned a few pages ago. if you guys could read it over and give me some critique that would be AWESOME.

and if you aren't entering yourself, then you should TOOOOOTALLY make an account and "heart" [like] my entry so I actually have a chance. I don't like how it's vote-based -_- [because you could be a horrible writer, but as long as you have lots of hearts you could still win, and if you're a brilliant writer then you might not be noticed at all]. oh well

It'll be a little hard for me to critique someting on a different website, but I'll try. xD.
Like the last time, I like almost all of it. The only thing that I am not fond of the fourth paragraph. She really seems to randomly bring up the subject of showers without really saying that she was taking one when her brother was killed. It is just weird to see that mentioned, and then after a couple of paragraphs it is finally revealed that she was, indeed, in the shower when her brother was killed. I think you may need to revise that fourth paragraph or something.
Also, when she was quoting the officer and herself for the first time, I think you forgot to italicize what they were saying. But other than that, it's good. =)

ah, okay. thanks. hm, I tried to integrate it a little more. I got a different critique saying that I should try and mention the shower earlier so that the entire interview doesn't seem as random as it is. anyways, I edited it a little, so hopefully it's a little better...?
oh, woops. I meant for none of them to be italicized. XD thanks for pointing that out. I didn't notice that.
thanks for the critique! c:

[thumper ;;]

Thanks for accepting me!

Well, I have a new story that i'm trying to fix. If you want to see it, click on this.

[Cherry]

AUGH. So does anyone remember the Aventure Novel thing I talked about? I DO NOT reccommend it.
He forced us to write in first person, we can't switch the point of view to another character EVER, the MC must be two years younger, older, or your age now.
And we can't really even start writing the story officially until two weeks from now!
And he moves his head every three words. And there's a lame intro EVERY stinking time (it's on a DVD).
I was planning on writing third person, too!
Grrrrrrr.

[Paradise;]

I finally got a new Thread up for a new story I'm thinking of writing.
I was hoping someone could Critique what I have written already.
That and I'd like to know if it's interesting enough for me to continue.
I don't want to waste time on a story that isn't even good.

Here's the link:

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1410295

Thanks,
Paradise

[eden .]

I finally got a new Thread up for a new story I'm thinking of writing.
I was hoping someone could Critique what I have written already.
That and I'd like to know if it's interesting enough for me to continue.
I don't want to waste time on a story that isn't even good.

Here's the link:

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1410295

Thanks,
Paradise

A few hundred years into the future, a nuclear explosion changes everything. Nothing remains the same and Earth is left in shackles; the inhabitants barely holding

I think you mean in "shambles", not in "shackles". Also, the semi-colon is unnecessary. It would the more correct to use a comma.

onto life. All the buildings, all the monuments, destroyed. Reduced to nothing but ashes and ruins. Earth's rules, politics, laws and regulations are all forgotten. They

because of the things you're listing [rules, laws, regulations], I would say "policies", not "politics" would fit better here

became things of the past. People were too busy caring for those who were injured and grieving for those who had passed on from this life.

For years upon years, Shapeshifters have remained hidden in the shadows; hidden from cizilization. They feared rejection and exile. When devastation struck Earth

I don't think a semicolon is your best choice here, either. a comma would suffice, and would fit better, I think.

at it's core, some Shapeshifters died and some lived. Those who lived remained hidden; watching as the humans let everything that once was crumble into the dust.

again, this isn't the correct use of a semicolon. a comma would be better here.

From the among the midst of all the devastation emerged a group who called themselves The Masked. The Masked were humans who had been horribly disfigured during the explosion. They had casted themselves away as freaks. That is until they discovered something that would cease any plans to return Earth back to it's

I think it's "cast" themselves away, not "casted". I don't think "casted" is even a word. And the phrase "That is until they discovered something that would case any plans to return Earth back to it's former state" is a fragment. I realize that you're doing it for dramatic effect, but I think the way you did it was somewhat awkward. perhaps a new line would be good to set it off and make it even more dramatic?

former state. The explosion has bestowed upon each of them a special power to be used wherenever they wanted. The Masked abused their powers and quickly rose to power. All humans became their slaves and received no mercy.

okay now I have a question: why did you mention that the Masked know how to get Earth back to its former glory in the first place? the next part of the passage doesn't really have to do with that, does it? it mostly talks about powers and how the Masked became tyrants, but it didn't discuss how they knew to return Earth back to normal. perhaps you should take out that phrase and put it somewhere else, because I think that where it is right now doesn't make much sense, and it doesn't really connect with all the other ideas in the passage.

The only ones who were unaffected by The Masked's rise to power were the Shapeshifters. The Shapeshifters joined together and selected six of them to become spies. Those who are chosen are to shift into their animal form and become the companion of one member of The Masked. They will learn what they can and after each week, they will return to their homes in order to share information with the other Shapeshifters. Their goal is to discover The Maskeds plan and to plot against them.

To over throw The Masked would mean freedom one again and the ability to rebuild the way of life before the explosion. To be discovered would mean submission and living the life The Masked want.

in general, you switch verb tense a few times, so I would watch out for that, maybe go back and edit those. otherwise it gets confusing.

plot wise, I don't think it's bad, but I personally don't think it's super duper interesting, but that's only because this is a plot that I've seen before. sure, I haven't seen this exact plot, but it doesn't really stand out to me.
of course, you've only written the first bit, so you might really make me eat my words [please do!]. I think there's potential here, you just need to be sure to keep adding twists that really make your plot pop.