{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } A Thread For Writers

[Randy.]

@Sparrow Oh nonononono! I do not swear when posting! No worries!

[eden .]

Username: PlagueDoctor
What we will call you: Plague
Will you critique other's work?: Absolutely!
Links to your story if you have any: I don't have any currently...
Anything you want us to know?: I do have a tendency to swear and have a little violence in my stories.

accepted~

[crescent + cheep]

Could someone read my first couple of chapters of my story and tell me what you think of it? I need someone to critique it before I continue writing.

Sure (:

[deer;;]

I hope that this is better, the dragon`s name is subject to change;



The dragon stood on all fours, it`s glistening green scales flat on his back. The dragon opened it`s amber eyes the second the girl entered the forest. Bree, it called out with it`s thoughts. The dragon moved, it`s scales rubbing against each other as the rusty dragon moved off the perch he was sitting on The green scales blended into the forest, making it easy for the dragon to hide. He spread his massive wings and lifted up his front legs in a rear. He jumped, flapping his wings, straining to keep in the air. He wasn`t used to flying, he had sat on that rock for years on end, looking for the one girl that would change the world.

Bree entered the forest cautiously, bow at the ready. She looked around, watching for any sign of movement that could lead to potential disasters. She started walking, looking around at the large, dark trees. Bree had gotten only so far into the forest when she heard something inside her head, something saying Bree. She looked around, already frightened. She shivered. Was someone following her? Watching her every movement? Was a sorcerer trying to get inside of her head, to take control? Bree continued walked, she looked around cautiously, crouching down behind a bush whenever she heard something odd.

The dragon flapped his green wings, he turned around and saw the girl. She had blonde hair and green eyes. You`re the one, He thought nodding. He roared, Bree. I am Felkin`De, your guardian. Felkin`De looked to the ground and watched her, as her expression went from startled to scared. Do not be scared, I will help you.

[crescent + cheep]

I hope that this is better, the dragon`s name is subject to change;



The dragon stood on all fours, it`s glistening green scales flat on his back. The dragon opened it`s amber eyes the second the girl entered the forest. Bree, it called out with it`s thoughts. The dragon moved, it`s scales rubbing against each other as the rusty dragon moved off the perch he was sitting on The green scales blended into the forest, making it easy for the dragon to hide. He spread his massive wings and lifted up his front legs in a rear. He jumped, flapping his wings, straining to keep in the air. He wasn`t used to flying, he had sat on that rock for years on end, looking for the one girl that would change the world.

Bree entered the forest cautiously, bow at the ready. She looked around, watching for any sign of movement that could lead to potential disasters. She started walking, looking around at the large, dark trees. Bree had gotten only so far into the forest when she heard something inside her head, something saying Bree. She looked around, already frightened. She shivered. Was someone following her? Watching her every movement? Was a sorcerer trying to get inside of her head, to take control? Bree continued walked, she looked around cautiously, crouching down behind a bush whenever she heard something odd.

The dragon flapped his green wings, he turned around and saw the girl. She had blonde hair and green eyes. You`re the one, He thought nodding. He roared, Bree. I am Felkin`De, your guardian. Felkin`De looked to the ground and watched her, as her expression went from startled to scared. Do not be scared, I will help you.

"it's glistening green scales flat on his back" why shoudln't they be flat on his back? For me, this looks like you are trying to find an excuse to tell us what color the scales are. "it`s scales rubbing against each other as the rusty dragon moved off the perch he was sitting on" the rusty dragon? How can a dragon rust? sorry, but it doesn't make much sense to me, as I read on, I can see you meant its rusty from sitting tehre for years, but perhaps you could mention that before, merging the information with the "rusty" part. So maybe something like "The dragon moved off its perch, his scales scattered with rust from the years sitting there. Waiting." Thats my style, obviously, and doesn't fit with the rest of it.

" that could lead to potential disasters" Hm. This is kind of an overdo. Either say "that could lead to disasters" or "that lead to potential desasters" because with "could" you already show the probability, which you overdo with the "potential". I think you use some words too often. The second paragraph is essentially every sentence starting either with Bree, or with She, which flattens the whole thing and makes it slow.

"The dragon flapped his green wings, he turned around and saw the girl. She had blonde hair and green eyes. "
The green wings. Its the third time you mention that the dragon has green scales, and in the first paragraph you use exactly the same phrase. That description of Bree is kind of thrown in. Its just... I dont know. Maybe it would work better if you connected it to something; "The dragon flapped his wings, turning. A girl had come through the trees, a look of worry on her face, which quickly turned to shock. It was obvious why; you didn't meet a fully-fledged dragon every day, did you? He could see her thinking, the brains under that pretty blonde hair workign hard to find a way out of the situation."
Hm, well I don't know.

By the way; it's is only with a hyphon if you are saying "it is". Otherwise it should be "its".

Anyway, I feel really mean now, and I'm sorry D:
Thats my opinion, and it may not be true.
Sorry.
Holly

[Silverhart]

I need some advice, please.
Sometimes, when writing, I write too many thoughts, as in the character calculating how the other person will react and that. Any idea how to avoid that?

-Simple Sparrow-, I think you need to write more, not less, no matter what your teacher says. There is nothing you can gain from writing less. Imagine if J.K. Rowling had decided to write less!

But honestly, I agree. I don't mean cutting out everything, but not just writing about off-topic stuff. Which really isn't what Fang was having troubles with, but I guess my problem was quasi-related. I guess. 

J.K. Rowling didn't go on about everything, she was short and too the point in Harry Potter. [good] but to get enough text to fill a book, she just had many ideas. That was really her key to success.

I wasn't sure what the exact problem Fanged was having, so I wanted to cover everything. ^^ I know a lot of amateur writers who try to avoid going off on tangents and try to stay on topic, but I've learned the best way, at least for me and many other writers I know, is to go off on every tangent and write down all those extra details and thoughts and then edit them later. I can't tell you how many stacks of pages I have (I write longhand with pencil and paper, not a computer) of scenes and ideas and tangents that I cut. But all those extra scenes inspired other scenes and stories and possibilities, so I'm always glad when I do go off topic a bit. It's definitly not a bad thing to go off topic when writing. It's just all in the editing to make it look all pretty. ^^

Calestii, I'd suggest a stronger opening sentence. I think it's a great scene but it needs that 'hook' to draw readers in and keep them reading. It might be more interesting if you switched the paragraphs, so that you start with Bree, not the dragon. You could build up the tension, maybe she feels like she's being watched, and then switch to the dragon's point of view as he hears her and approaches. That's just a suggestion. Try it out and see if it works any better for you.
I think someone mentioned this, but you should avoid using the same word, like dragon every sentence. Try mixing it up, with words like 'beast' or 'creature'.
Remember to show and not tell! And some more detail sprinkled in wouldn't hurt. Think of interesting ways to write your sentences, so it isn't all "the dragon did this, she did that."
Also, like Fanged said, replace the 'it's' with 'its'. 'It's' is a contraction of 'it' and 'is', so it doesn't really make sense as is.

[deer;;]

Will do. ^^

But for some reason every single writing book I look in says tell not show so, I`m a bit confused.

[crescent + cheep]

Will do. ^^

But for some reason every single writing book I look in says tell not show so, I`m a bit confused.

No, its better to show, not tell, though you should probably have a good mix of both.
EDIT: I heard the same, Silver

[Silverhart]

Really? I've only ever heard it as 'show don't tell'. Personally I think showing rather then telling the reader is always better.

[deer;;]

Major revamp is going on now with the first chapter. xD
I`m gonna re-write it.