C6H12O6 wrote:.: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:A man in a long white lab jacket stood next to a short heavily pregnant woman.Idk, should there be a comma between "short" and "heavily"? I guess it's not strictly necessary, according to grammar rules..: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:Scientists walked into the room, a count of approximately twenty, and began to work.perhaps hyphens: "scientists walked into the room -- a count of approximately twenty -- and began to work" might work better than commas?.: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:They checked through all their books, selecting a certain tube from here, and a specific needle from there.personally, I don't think the comma between "here" and the "and" is necessary unless you take out the "and" completely [in which case it'd be "...tube from here, a specific needle from there"].: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:One scientist put a mask on the woman, and her head fell to a pillow.woop, she's lying down. okay, so this is where I got a little disoriented. If I had to tell you the truth, I was actually envisioning the woman sitting at a table similar to that of one in an interrogation room, and the room is devoid of all personalization and is flat and rather cold. idk if that's the image you're going for, but clearly she's lying down on ... I'm assuming an operating table, yes?.: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:He moved over to the tubes that the scientists had so carefully arranged, and added some sort of black liquid to one tube, and a light blue liquid to the next. Within seconds he had left.k, so I don't think the commas in the first sentence are really needed at all. that implies that "added some sort of black liquid to one tube" and "a light blue liquid to the next" can stand alone as their own sentences. I ... don't think they can, personally. They sound more like dependent clauses, so you don't need the commas.
my verb tenses suck, so idk if this is right, but is it "he left" instead of "he had left"? idk, that's my weakest spot. ^^''.: |•| mamba |•| :. wrote:Hours later she was woken, and the scientists told her everything had gone beautifully. They lied. What had gone in was a mystery to even them.YOSH. NIGH-SUH ENDING.
/shot
no, but in all seriousness, that's a good ending. it's very cliffhanger and it puts up a sense of mystery and foreboding. and you have to wonder what exactly "had gone beautifully" [even if it was a lie]. I have my own hypothesis, but I'm not saying ~
- I OVERUSE COMMAS.
Okay? xD
I knew I kind of skipped the whole part about the scenery because I was supposed to be in bed about a half hour ago, and didn't want to get caught. iPod is easier to hide! Thanks though!
Ridiculous wrote:@mamba. I'm in so much awe over Roman's name. It's epic. I mean, not only is he called 'Roman', which is epic in itself, but his middle name is 'Excalibur'. Too cool. I'm scared of your story now. The whole idea sounds very creepy. And I hate injections. Blegh. *bookmarking*
- I thank you. His name is easily my favorite.
